Dear Nurse Ansalong:
I am desperately unhappy. My best friend (who is now 18) and I have been friends for years with no problems. It was more then a casual friendship - we were closer than brother and sister, closer than blood. But now, he has gone and supposedly fallen in love with a girl my age (19) who has a 3 year old daughter. They started off as flatmates, but soon were sharing the same bed. (By that, I mean it at it's face value - they don't have sex, cos he's "saving himself" for the right person- who is apparently not her - which is funny if he was into her as much as he says he is.) The problem is that he doesn't REALLY love her. By having her as his girlfriend, he avoids all the stories about his being gay. He loves her daughter, Tia, and she looks to him as "Daddy". Although I am happy for him in that he's found a family (of sorts) and seems to be happy, I am worried that when he fully realizes how he truly feels he'll be hurt. When he's drunk he starts to talk about it, kind of admitting it, but when he sobers up he denies it - to himself. An even bigger problem (the one that I actually set out to talk about in the 1st place) is that his girlfriend doesn't like me. I've only spoken to her a couple of times, and didn't say much either time (definately nothing derogatory) but I really don't think it would make any difference if I had; she doesn't like the close relationship that we have. I should say "had", because it's changed since he first met her. I haven't seen, spoken to or had any contact with him for ages. Any attempts to do so seem to lead to trouble with his girlfriend. I don't want to feel this way about her- she seems like a nice person, but it is because of her that I have lost my whole world. And no matter what happens, he always has to go back to her, believing everything she says and drifting further and further away from me. In fact, he's drifted so far that I don't think I'll ever find him again.. and my heart is breaking.
-In Pain
In Pain, I'm sorry to hear about the problems that you're having with your best friend. When people change, especially as radically as your friend has, it can be really hard for the person left behind to understand what happened and why it occured. From what you've described, it sounds like your friend has found a girlfriend who feels threatened by his old 'relationship' with you. This woman could see the friendship that the two of you had and feel threatened that something will happen and he could decide to go off with you. This would explain why she's keeping your old friend on such a short leash. If his feelings are as you described, it sounds like this relationship won't last very long. That being said, my advice to you would be to try and wait it out. It might mean that you don't get to see your best friend nearly as much as you'd like, but it would guarentee that, when or if this relationship falls apart, you will be there to help him. Even if you don't get to hang out with him, be sure to tell him that you are always there for him if he needs you and you always will be. It might really hurt to do this, but it would definately be a good idea to wait for your friend to decide which relationship he cherishes more. It might take a little while, but your description makes it sound like you won't have to totally lose a friend.
