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And Hugh Jackman was there In black leather "underwear", Kevin Bacon was the Hollow Man. Then something went wrong For Ol' Bobby and Fong; They got caught in a viral jam. Then at a deadly pace Freiza blasted the Saiyan race. And this is how the message ran: Charity w/Chorus (Plays in the background during the opening credits): Science fiction, double feature Doctor F will torment a few creatures. See androids fighting while as Goku tries to "can" it And Francis X stars in Phantom Planet Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh At the late night, double feature, picture show. THE TOASTY HISTERIA PICTURE SHOW Starring Lucky Bob (Jeff Bennett) as Lucky Bob (A Hero...of sorts) Cho-cho (Tress MacNeille) as Cho-cho (A Heroine.. well.. oh nevermind) Joseph Stalin (Tim Curry) as Joe Stalin (A Dictator, A dead dictator but still a dictator) Froggo (Nathan Ruegger) as Froggo (A "Little Friend", mind out of the gutter now folks) Charity Bazaar (Laraine Newman) as Charity (A Domestic "Adopted Daughter") Pepper Mills (Tress MacNeille) as Pepper (A Groupie, talk about your type casting huh?) Franklin D. Roosevelt (Jonathan Adams) as FDR (A Rival World Leader) Toast (Tress MacNeille) as Toast (A "creation" if you can call him that) Loud Kiddington (Cody Ruegger) as Loudie (A... little boy WTF?) Father Time (Frank Welker) as Father Time (A well Father of Time what'd you expect?) Charity Bazaar: I saw Cheetor in peril Was also so agile When Tarantulas took to the hills. And I really got hot When I heard McNeil, Scott Voice a triplet but seems like poison but thrill. (We see pictures of Piccolo, Duo Maxwell, and Dinobot on the wall.) Dana Carvey played Bush As "Abyss" gave us a Rush And showing us one of Jimmy's last "skills". But When "Worlds" Collide, Said Mega to Prime on that night, "I'm gonna show you some terrible kills," Like a... C.B & Chorus: Science fiction, double feature Doctor F will torment a few creatures. See androids fighting as Goku tries to "can" it And Francis X stars in Phantom Planet Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh At the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go Oh Oh Oh To the late night double feature picture show, By UHF...huh? (Big pic. Of Weird Al.) Oh Oh Oh To the late night double feature picture show, In the back row, Oh Oh Oh To the late night, double feature, picture show! (The Story begins but we take a different turn. We are now in a certain odd Russian house. Were we find a certain man and her "adopted daughter" soon enough.) Communist Thug #1: Here they come! Communist Photographer: Let's get them close together now. The girl and her "parent" Yes, all of that "close" family. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful! And... smile! Congratulations! Charity: What is going on here? Communist Photographer: We've brought you and you're father here. Charity: OK first off he only thinks I'm his daughter and why pray tell are we here? Communist Photographer: We've brought you here cause our leader wishes to talk with your father. Charity: OK then why am I here? C.P: Because our leader's "little friend" has a little picture book of friends he carries around. And you look like one of those people in that book. Not too mention that you and your father will be here for a while by our leader's request, why is that I dunno. Charity (now a bit curious): Really, is that so? C.P: Yes Charity: And who pray tell is this "little friend"? C.P: He is just upstairs in the attic madam and you are allowed to see him. Charity: Ok (She goes upstairs and it doesn't take her long to find that certain friend who is none other than Froggo himself.) Charity: Froggo? Froggo: Charity? Charity: I've finally you, huh? Froggo: I don't think there's any doubt about that. I haven't seen you or the others since our show met its demise. Charity: Well to tell you the truth, Froggo, my "father" was the only reason I showed up in the first place. Froggo: O.K. that will be it. Charity: Well it looks like we're going to be here for a while. Froggo (to himself): Yes! Yes! Charity: Hey little froggo, whats on your mind, huh? Froggo: Who knows. *Snicker* (As Charity looks confused.) Charity: Well its nice to see you Froggo. Guess we better find a way out of here Froggo. Froggo: Oh to be honest I don't think so. But this place can be beautiful. I can't believe it. An hour ago I was just plainly by myself now... now I'm with Ms. Charity Bazaar. Charity: Yes but uh Froggo are you OK? Froggo: Yeah but uh.. don't mind me I was just...lonely all this time. Charity: Uh yeah...well though I sense something strange that is coming all too fast I will be here for you Froggo. Froggo: Yes, thank you. Charity: Why we will be out of this ourselves, in about a... (checks the script and yes this will be a common thing in this story) year or two? Froggo: Yeah. Charity: I'm not happy. Froggo: Indeed CHARITY, THIS IS A RARITY! (Froggo's voice will not be all that dramatically different it will be just smoother. And yes I'm aware of a certain blatantly obvious problem but I said this was going to be different.) Froggo: Hey Charity. Charity: Yes Froggo? (And is now in a more "appropriate" hat that she found while searching the room) Froggo: I've got something to say. (As he temporarily removes his hat while putting on some glasses he found in the attic.) Charity: Uh huh. Froggo: I really uhh.. like the... fortunate way...you got here in this... house today. Charity (a bit surprised): Froggo. Froggo: My mind was boggled but now I'm in Clarity. (Charity) Oh all of this was to des"pair me". (Charity) Oh boy this isn't being a good parody. (Charity) I've one thing to say and that's Charity, this is a rarity! For I uh.. "like" you. Oh I remember when we all caused so much hilarity. (Charity) Our humor usually hits the right..(Checks the script) polarity? (Charity) Though Father Time was always a bit too hairy. (Charity) But I've one thing to say and that's Charity, this is a rarity for I like you. (Is on his knees holding charity's hands. While she is confused on whats going on) Here's something to prove that I'm no joker. There's three ways that this can grow. That's good, bad, or mediocre Oh, C-H-A-R-I-T-Y I like you so. Charity: Oh, I guess this will be a nicer show. (Froggo) Now pardon me if I'm a bit too slow (Froggo) But shouldn't this be sung by Bob & Cho-cho? (Froggo) But I've one thing to say and that's Froggo, I'll show, that I like you too...y'know. (As they dance with eachover closely) Oh Froggo... Froggo: Oh... what a rarity! Charity: I'm not sad... Froggo: Oh... Charity. Charity (smiling): Oh you. Froggo: I like you too. Froggo & Charity: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo. Froggo: And though I may need some good therapy. (Charity) All of this couldn't com"pare" - thee? (Charity) Oh sorry the only other rhyming word I can think of is Laramie. (Charity) Now I've one thing to say and that's Charity, this is a rarity, for I like you. Charity, Rarity Charity: Oh Froggo lets go. Froggo: Charity, Rarity. Froggo & Charity: I like you. (Meanwhile we are in a rather odd room with a rather odd old man and a rather odd baby. But don't worry the baby doesn't do much other than making small baby noises now.) Father Time: I would like, if I may, ...to take you on a strange journey. This is a story of reunion, family, friendship, romance, betrayal, jealousy and extreme confusion but do not worry this will not be all that soap operatic. Yes we have a young blonde girl by the name of Charity alike a certain actual soap opera but still... Director: *Ahem* Father Time: Oops...sorry...hee hee...It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Lucky Bob and his friend Cho-cho, two young, somewhat ordinary & healthy kids left for... Hey wait a minute how come they are not in the story yet? Director: They will be in momentarily and besides this is a "satire" not a remake. Father Time: Yeah...okay. Well they left in that evening to visit a Franklin Delano Roosevelt, famous ex-president, and now oddly enough a friend to both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were going. It's true, also, that the spare change they were carrying for a phone was spent on cheap hats, but, they being normal kids and, on a night out... well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening, were they? And don't ask me why they're out in the middle of a stormy night in the first place but hey I doubt that this story was suppose to make the slightest bit of sense so. *Ahem* On this night out... it was a night out they were going to remember... for a very long time. Though some "shock treatment" is always available. (Grins) (Everybody else groans. While we see Cho-cho & Bob out in the woods.) Cho-cho: Gosh that's the third bicycle that's passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all. Bob: Yes/no uhh.. (tries to act dramatic while reading the script) "Life's pretty cheap to that type". (Cho-cho looks surprised on how he reads the script so oddly well.) C.C: Uh. ...What's the matter, Bob? Bob: Why we walking in the rain? C.C: Because we don't have the money nor are we old enough for a car. Luckily I've brought this small radio that is oddly enough not affected at all by this rain. Bob: Neato Nixon: And I shall start my defense by stating... hey whats going on here? Bob & C.C: Hello Mr. Nixon! Nixon: AH NO NOT YOU KIDS AGAIN! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU STINKING BRATS TORMENT ME LIKE HOW YOU DID ON THAT SHOW! Ohhhh.... Wait a minute I can't be here this is set in the days of Stalin & FDR years before I'm a part of presidential history. After all you folks strive for "historical accuracy". Director (ov): Ok, ok kids put the radio away. C.C: Alright. Bob: Oh no! But uhhh. (tries to read script but thankfully not dramatic) "we must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back." Cho-cho: Ok, but where did that bicyclist came from? Bob: Hmmm... well I guess we just turn back. C.C: Oh! What was that bang? Bob: Duh.. We must have a blowout. DANGIT! Duhh... (Reads the script) "I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed". C.C (now REALLY confused): Uhh.. if we're oddly enough walking why do we have a spare tire? Bob: Oh we do not have a tire I just shouldn't have ate those beans earlier. C.C (while groaning): I can't believe we did such a weak & smelly gag. Bob: It not smell weak to me. C.C: Well I was right about the "smelly" part. Bob: Well, uh... you just stay here &... try not to get sick & die and I'll go for help. C.C: Ooookay But where will you go in the middle of nowhere? Bob: (Again reading the script how is he able to read it so well & read it while its poring raining is anybody's guess) "Didn't we pass a big house back down the road a few miles?" "Maybe they have a telephone we could use." D'oh I hope its not a pay phone. C.C: I'm going with you. Bob: Oh no, "there's no sense in both of us getting wet." C.C: Umm.. We've been soaked wet and besides I'm coming too! (and in a pleasant but teasing voice) Besides the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, and you might never come back again. *Tee hee* Bob: But I thought you were the only "beautiful" woman in the world ...ya told me yourself. C.C (smiling, blushing and extremely embarrassed): Uhhh can't we just get to the next scene please? OVER AT THE COMMIE'S FINE PLACE (And yes I'm aware that the change is little) C.C: In the velvet darkness, Of the blackest night, Glowing bright, and its not that yellow star. No matter what or who you are. Bob & C.C: There's a light... Com. Chorus: Over at the Commie's fine place. Bob & C.C: There's a light... Com. Chorus: Burning in the fireplace... Bob & C.C: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life. Froggo (in a very peculiar costume & signing voice at the window): The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Go Mother Russia go, let the sun and light come streaming Into my life... Into my life... Bob & C.C: There's a light... Com. Chorus: Over at the Commie's fine place. Bob & C.C: There's a light... Com. Chorus: Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light Bob & C.C: ...in the darkness of everybody's life. Bob (now really going dramatic so brace yourselves folks): I see the flag fly I see the rain And theres sumthin to see Sumthin better for you and me. (Meanwhile) Father Time: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Bob and Cho-cho and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they? Yeah I don't buy that too, we all know trouble is going to happen anyway. Oh well lets just go on. (Now back to the story as the kids reach the front door of the house.) C.C: Bob, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened... Bob: Now Cho-cho they might have phone. Father Time (while actually doing a ov narration in this part, why I dunno): And now we see our "little friend" but he is now dressed in black and oddly enough has a cheap bald cap covering up some of his hair. Richard O' Brien: Hey it wasn't that cheap! And besides you're not supposed to do these kinds of narrations! Father Time: Sorry... Froggo: Hello. C.C: Froggo? Bob: Yes/no well I be Bob and she be Cho-cho we got lost and... C.C: Bob do you even know who this is? Bob: Duh... (She briefly removes the bald cap and reveals his covered hair then puts it back on.) Bob: Oh you, well you got some "splanning to do!" Froggo: Yeah... Well... um... "You're wet". C.C (even more confused): Yeah - it's... raining. Bob: Yes/no. Froggo: Yes... I think that perhaps you better both come inside. C.C: You're too kind. Oh Bob, I'm frightened. What... just... what kind of a place is this? Bob: Oh, (reads the script but with a different result) "it's probably some kind of lunking hodge for witch rear-o's. C.C: Ok that made no sense. Froggo: Walk this way. And don't walk like me. C.C: Are you having a party? Froggo: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the leader's affairs. C.C: Oh, lucky him. (Now we see Charity on the stairs and she is wearing a cute little common french maid outfit. But is one the stairs looking a bit "intoxicated".) Charity: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha... Froggo: *snickers* I know I can be with a drunk someone dressed as a French maid. Uh... (Realizes he has just said that out loud) oops! (Charity gets up and whacks him with the bottle. Though she still seems to be a bit woozy.) Charity: That was just said soda you little perve! Froggo: Sorry heh heh but uh... why were you... Charity: I dunno that stuff just seems to make me so giddy. (Giggles then snaps out of it.) THE WORLD WAR Froggo: It's astounding; Time is fleeting; Madness truly took its toll. But listen closely... Charity: Not for very much longer. Froggo: We've got to get control. I remember learning of the World War Thinking those moments when The blackness would hit me Froggo & Charity: And a voice would be calling... Com. Chorus: Let's do that world war again. Let's do that world war again. Father Time (while pointing on a map): It's just an attack on Hawaii to the left. All: And a Bombing on Japan of the right. Father Time: Put your head between your legs. All: You survive with all your might. But it's the bombing thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do that world war again. Let's do that world war again. Charity: It's so steamy, oh fantasy free me. So you've barely have seen me, or, not at all. In another dimension, with historic intention, Well included, I've seen all. Froggo: With a bit of a mind flip Charity: You're into this time trip. Froggo: And nothing has ever been the same. Charity: As we've started out the Russian relevation. Froggo: OR AT LEAST AVOID NAZI GASTRATION! All: Let's do that world war again. Let's do that world war again. Pepper (seemingly out of nowhere): Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise He had a pickax & hammer & that "red" devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again. All: Let's do that world war again. Let's do that world war again. Father Time: It's just an attack on Hawaii to the left! All: And then a bombing on Japan of the right. Father Time: You put your head between your legs.... All: You survive with all your might. But it's the bombing thrust That really drives you insane. (And pepper does a little tap dance number.) Let's do that world war again. Let's do that world war again. C.C: Bob, say something. Bob: Say, do any of you guys know how to do...Mambo #5? (Everybody now looks really confused as they now look at a certain soldier) That certain soldier (with a peculiar voice): What are you looking at me for? C.C: Bob, please, let's just get out of here. Bob: "For Glod's sake keep a grip on yourself Cho-cho." C.C: But it... it seems so unsanitary here. Bob: It just a party Cho-cho. C.C: Well - I want to go. Bob (slightly dramatic): Well we can't go anywhere until we get a phone. C.C: Well then ask Froggo or someone. (Thinking to Herself: Oh boy why do I have a feeling that help is one of the last things we will ever get here.) (Meanwhile as they squabble there is a certain somebody coming down the elevator by right now all we see is the boots but that will soon change. And while Bob & C.C are bickering everybody else is grinning.) Bob: Now Cho-cho we not want to stop their party. C.C: This isn't the (reads script) "Junior Scouts of America, Brad?" Bob (take a guess on what he is trying to be this time): "They probably be weird folks with ways weirder than our own. They may do some more...weird dancing!" C.C (while REALLY trying to maintain her patience): Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared! Bob: Me here Cho-cho there's nothing to worry about. SWEET COMMERITE (Now our "Friend" which is Mr. Joseph Stalin himself is now on the floor. Sadly he has no makeup but he is in a strange cape so hey 1 out of 2 can't be all that bad. And of course he scares the kids at first sight.) Stalin: How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful "little friend" He's just a little part of this... Latest part Of that "RHPS" spoofing trend Don't get strung out or be all that tarty. Don't be a dummy but do be a smarty. I'm not much of a man even after 1940. But tonight I want you in the communist party. (Now removes the robe. But instead of the traditional furter-wear he is in the more traditional stalin wear, sorry but I was lucky enough to talk him into being here in the 1st place.) I'm just a sweet commerite From the Commie Central of Communist Russia (ha-ha) Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something somewhat visual That may be a bit abysmal, We could take in an old commie "propie" movie. Bob: We glad we caught you at home, Could we use your phone? We both in a bit of a hurry C.C: Right and please don't let be a pay phone. Bob: We just stay where we are, Then goes back to the...(reads the script again) car? Say why you sound like Mista Tim Curry? Stalin: Well you got here you (reads script)..."hip cat"?, well, oh boy is this song going flat? But, kiddies, don't you panic. By the might of our fight it'll all seem all right. I'll show you something... "russianic cosacnic"? I'm just a sweet commerite From Commie Central of Communist Russia (Now sitting in his chair with Froggo to the left, Pepper to the right & Charity on top. And not the... way you probably think because stalin is just not that kind of guy.) Why don't you stay for the night? Froggo: Night. Stalin: Or maybe have a worker's right. Pepper: Right Stalin: I could show you my favorite possession. I've been making a young man With blond hair and a lot of tan

And he's good for relieving my...tension I'm just a sweet commerite From Commie Central of Communist Russia HIT IT! HIT IT! I'm just a sweet commerite Stalin, Pepper, Froggo, and Charity: Sweet commerite Stalin: From Commie Central of... Pepper, Froggo, Charity: Communist Russia. (And is now in the door about heading up to the top floor.) Stalin: So - come up to our fac., And see what's out of the sac. I see you shiver with antici --- pation. But maybe my reign Isn't really to blame. So don't remove my cause. And not the symptom C.C: Oh! Bob! Bob: It be all right Cho-cho. We play along for now and get out whens da time is right. (Charity & Froggo proceed to remove Bob & C.C's clothes) Pepper (while reading the script): Oh, slowly, slowly? It's too nice a job to rush? Ewwww... who wrote this disgusting stuff? Richard O' Brien: That would be me Miss mills. Pepper: Eww... take this you freak! (She throws the script book at him and bonks his head.) Richard O' Brien: Ow that hurts! This Pokejedservo guy is the one you should be bashing. Director (and yes it's me): You call me, Richard? R.O.B: Yes and I think I shall do the proper justice upon you. (He bashes me rapidly on the head with the book.) PJS (thinking to myself): Jeez I haven't even finished the story yet and I'm all ready getting bashed. (Now speaking to the others) Well let's just skip this scene all right? Everybody else: All right Bob: Hi my name is Bob... Froggo (abruptly): Yes Bob we know who you are. Pepper: You're very lucky to be invited up to the Communist Factory. Some people would give their freedom for the privilege. Ehhh... I think. Froggo: Unlike the nazi lab's where they have given their lives. Charity: Yes but then again the people in there wouldn't exactly call their visits "privileges". Froggo: Too true Bob: Duh...(reading the script) "People like you maybe." (Now everyone looks even more confused than usual) Charity (while whispering to Froggo): Say Froggo do you know where the headache medicine in this place is? If any? Froggo (while whispering back to Charity): Believe me I wish I knew, especially for right now. Pepper: Ha! We've seen the factory. Right guys? Froggo: Yes & please come along - the leader doesn't like to be kept waiting. Charity: Yes lets get on the elevator people. (They are all now on the elevator) C.C: Is he, um, Joe I mean - is he ...oh why are you guys with him? Froggo: Why I am simply his "little friend" and these two are my "guests"...of sorts C.C: Oookay (They are now leaving the elevator as they were "walking and walking" into the lab as we see Stalin in a Lab coat. Along with the other communists.) Stalin: Charity, Pepper - go assist Froggo. I will entertain ...uh huh huh... Bob: Name's Bob. This is my friend, Cho-"sho". C.C: cho Bob: cho? duh... Stalin: Excellent... *ahem* Well! How nice, & what charming uhh... (take a guess what he is reading and yes it's a overused gag) "clothes you both have"? Oookay but here. (Gives them lab coats) Put these on. They'll make you feel less... "Vulnerable"? What the? Uh... Its not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... hospitality. Bob (once again badly acting dramatic): Hocpictality!? All we wantsed was to use your phone, Gloshjanet, a reakonable rekest which you've shusen to ignore! Stalin (whispering to Cho-cho): Whats with this guy? C.C (whispering to Stalin): Oh I'm sorry I knew it was a bad idea to let Dan Quayle to give him English lessons. (Bum-bum-ding!) C.C: *Ahem* Bob, don't be ungrateful. Bob(like I really need to you what he is trying to do): UNGRATESFUL! Stalin: My how forceful you are, Bob. Such a... "Specimen" of uh... boyhood. So...domi... oh I can't say this garbage! WHY I... uh... You must be awfully proud of him, Cho-cho. C.C: Well, yes I am. (I think) Stalin: Do you have any symbols, Bob? Bob: Sirtainly not! Stalin: Oh well... how about you? C.C: No. Froggo: Everything is in readiness, leader. We merely await your... word. Stalin: Tonight, my unconstitutional communists... you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and paradise is to be of all for Russia! It was strange the way it happened... suddenly you finally get a break... whole pieces seem to fit into place, not a sign of being.. What a fool I be! The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen... AN ACCIDENT... Charity & Pepper: An accident! Stalin: ...and that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that SPARK (3 communist soldiers that look like Scott McNeil, I.J Cortlett, and David Kaye): *ahem* Stalin: *sigh* NON-cybertronian sparks! (The three same soldiers): Thank you! Stalin: *ahem*... that is the breath of life... Yes, I have that knowledge... I hold the secret... to life... itself! You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Up now! ...throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator... (And Froggo does that) Stalin:... and step the reactor power input THREE MORE POINTS! Charity & Pepper (as they look into the tubes): To tah taya tah! No see... doya day ma e! (Sorry if I got it wrong) Stalin: Please ladies I will not have any "Toast in the Shell" just yet. C.C: Oh, Bob! Bob: It be all right, Cho-cho! (Our "commie" trio is now untying the "creatures" bandages.) Stalin: Oh! Toasty! THE SYMBOL OF COMARADES (They are busy unraveling our new friends bandages. Which reveals to be Toast a young teenage boy with blonde hair & a blue cap and is in communist uniform except that the crouch area is in gold. Yeah I'm terribly cheap so sue me.) Toast: The symbol of Comrades is hanging over my head, And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread. Stalin: You FOOLS!! (Pushes Froggo out of the way while he heads over to Toast) Toast: Oh, woe is me, dude this is so "heinous"-y. Oh, can't you see that I'm just a part of Russia's big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. (Charity & Pepper finish cutting up the bandages with little "sickles") All: That ain't no crime. Toast: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread. All: That ain't no crime. Toast: My high is low, dude I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm just a part of Russia's big downer. Stalin: Oh, Toasty! (And they're off as they chase around.) All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Toast: Oh woah woah woah All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Toast: Oh woah woah woah All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Toast: Oh woah woah woah Toast: The symbol of Comarades is hanging over my head. Stalin: Oh really! All: That ain't no crime. Toast: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread. All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Rocky: Oh, woe is me, dude this is so "heinous"-y And, can't you see, that I'm just a part of Russia's big downer Stalin: TOASTY! All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Toast: Oh woah woah woah All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. Toast: Oh woah woah woah All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la Stalin: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. Toast: Duh yeah... whatever Stalin: But since you're such a...exceptional...beau...ahh forget it, look I'm not going to kill you for this okay? Toast: Uh sure... Stalin: Oh, I just love success. Froggo (while desperately trying to maintain a straight face): He's a... "Credit"... to your... genius, master. *Shudder* Stalin: Yes. Charity (doing the same as Froggo): A uh...triumph...of...your...will. *Shudder* Stalin: Yes. Pepper: He's uh... (Smirking as to spite him) "O.K." (Toast & pepper blow raspberries at eachover.) Stalin (absolutely POed): O.K.? O.K.?!? I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Bob and Cho-cho, what do you think of him? Cho-cho: Well except for Bob, I usually don't like men with not many brain cells. (Pepper giggles a bit in the background.) Stalin: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the "Surfer Chuck"?... seal of approval. I CAN MAKE YOU A RUSSIAN (part I) Stalin: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds Will get a "brand" in his face When knocked into the ground; And soon in the gym with a determined chin, The sweat from his chores as he works for his cause Will make him glisten ...and gleam. And work with machines that work with just a little bit of steam, He'll be pink but not quite clean He'll be a strong man. Oh toast & honey... Stalin & Communists: But not the wrong man. Stalin: He'll eat nutritious, high protein. And swallow Faberge eggs... Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs. Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days... Stalin & Communists: I can make you a Russian! Stalin: He'll do oppressings, and some sinnings, & maybe snatch some clean jerks. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just don't understand, When in just seven days, oh baby, ...I can make you a Russian. (Then out of nowhere a young child broke in through a freeze dry door by a bike. And after removing his helmet he is Loud Kiddington... in a biker outfit.) Pepper & Charity & Froggo: Loud?! Froggo: *snicker* Check out the outfit. Charity (suprisingly somewhat impressed): Oh yeah! BIG FAT BABY (BLESS HIS BOWELS) "Loudie": Whatever happened to "Hysteria night", When we dressed up sharp and we felt all right? It don't seem the same since that comic night Came into our life, We'd thought we're divine. We used to go for a ride with some prick who'd show, While others listen to that music on the MP3 radio; A saxophone was blowin' in a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the big seat, you really had a good time. (Pepper was ready to dance but loud went to dance with charity instead and pepper felt a little peeved. But Froggo was especially peeved when charity was dancing with loud but he holds it in well at first.) Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. (While pepper seems to be O.K. of whats currently going on but Froggo is getting worse as the two dance some more and very racy I might add but not "too" much.) Our heads used to swim from that "perfume" we smelled. Our hands wish we'd never stumbled upon that white plastic bag. We'd wipe "waste" from his baby pink fanny and that's when we'd hag And we'd wish it wasn't here tonight it really wasn't fine. Wipe up the back & front, put some baby oil on But don't put the pants hard in like a very di-cast thong. With our arms around the boy we'd try to sing along. It felt pretty good. Woo! But we really didn't have a good time. (Loud & Charity both stopped dancing as he continues to ride about knocking down the communists, Stalin was actually moving to the beat but he notices Froggo's peeved face and he is about to get into action.) Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. Big fat baby, bless his bowels, he'd really love to rock 'n roll. (First Stalin notices Toast dancing and he places toast away on a cage the he comes in and chases loud into the vault as he carries the "communist" sickle and starts to "slash" loud into the cold vault. Pepper & Charity look in horror while Froggo looks extremely embarrassed.) Stalin(as he comes out): One for the vaults. (He notices toast trying to get out of the cage.) Oh baby!.. Don't be upset... It was a... mercy killing... he had a certain youthly charm, but no mu...well he wasn't as "mature"... (Toast puts his hat off to Stalin) Oh! I CAN MAKE YOU A RUSSIAN (part II) Stalin: But a mentos and a "bicyc". A hot-cut coin and a "tricyc" Makes me, uuuh... shake? Uh...makes me want to take "Surfer Chuck" by the...ha-ha-hand. Stalin & Communist Chorus: In just seven days I can make you a Russian. Stalin: I don't want no detention, just dynamic tension. Cho-cho: I'm a rocker fan! (Everybody else is once again confused). Froggo (briefly whispering to charity): Woah it took more than a few seconds for us to get confused. Charity (briefly whispering back): Yeah that's got to be a record. Stalin: In just seven days, I can make you a Russian Dig it if you can In just seven days, I can make you a Russian. Communists: Stalin and Toasty, rah-rah-rah! Stalin and Toasty, rah-rah-rah! Stalin and Toasty, rah-rah-rah! Stalin and Toasty, rah-rah-rah! (Our new little couple is off for now where they will go is anybody's guess. Meanwhile...) Father Time: There are those who say that life is an illusion & that reality is but a figment of the imagination and no I'm talking about that Keanu Reeves picture... *ahem* If this is so, then Bob and Cho-cho are quite...safe? OK O'brien who in the sam hill are you trying to kid huh? Richard O' Brien: *Ahem* This "fanfic" is a spoof on the movie I wrote and the movie I wrote was a spoof on the b-movies of the past... get it? Father Time (embarrassed): Opps... yeah. Richard O' Brien: Alright now get on with it before this story gets anymore pointless! Father Time: OK *ahem*... however, the sudden departure of their host...and his creation...into the seclusion of his sombre bridal suite (whispering: don't worry nothing actually happens) R.O.B: SHUT UP! Father Time: ...had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. (Now we see Cho-cho in this bedroom wearing a nice little blue nightgown in this nice little room. But there is a knock on the nice-looking door. And no I'm not obsessed with the word "nice" so to quote Nostradamus SHUT UP!) Janet: Who is it? Who's there? (We see Stalin in a cheap Lucky Bob wig.) Stalin (Bob): It's only me Cho-cho...uh...yes/no (shrugging: I can't believe I've been doing this.) Cho-cho: Oh, Lucky Bob, come in. Oh! Bob (as Stalin moves "closer") Um... Bob...I know we're the best of friends but still... Stalin (Bob): It be all right, Cho-cho, everything gonna be alright. Cho-cho: Oh, I hope so, Bob. Uh...(notices how "huge" he is) Uh... (Notices a little slip near the face) Uhh (Now removes the mask to reveal Stalin) OHHH! Oh it's you! Stalin: I'm afraid so, Cho-cho, but isn't it nice... C.C (Looking seriously peeved): Umm...NO! (Punches stalin to the left) you beast! (Punches Stalin to the right & knocks him to the floor) you monster!... Oh what have you done with Bob? Stalin: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should? (C.C uncharacteristically growls) Uhh...nevermind. (Thinking to himself: Why did that freaky dressed guy in that movie got it so easily?) C.C: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...say what were you going to do anyway? Stalin: Oh its quite simple I was going to try to "conform" you I think you'd really find it not quite bad. C.C (Bitterly skeptic): Oh? Stalin: Yes, I mean sure we may have not been "morally clean" but at least we're better than those nazi's & fascists! I mean sure we may have our problems but I mean WE at least try to HELP stop the war! C.C: Oh, stop! (Jumps on Stalin's ribs) Stalin: OW! YOU STOP! ...I mean help (Stomps on his ribs) Stalin: OW! ...Lucky Bob! (She stomps on him a couple more times) Stalin: AH! OH! (Lets just say he is not feeling good.) C.C: Oh Bob!! (She stomps on him even more) Stalin: AHHH! OH GIVE ME A BREAK KID I WAS JUST FOLLOWING THE BLASTED SCRIPT! AND BESIDES HES PROBABLY JUST ASLEEP! (As he calms down but still in pain) Do you want him to see you like...This! C.C (now absolutely ticked): SHUT UP! (She gives a swift crushing stomp right into his windpipe but not killing him) Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame... I was saving myself! And besides I don't want to be stereotyped for having facial hair! Frank: Well, I'm sure you've been STEREOTYPED yet... C.C: That's it! Stalin (now in a very meek squeaky voice): Mommy... (And C.C gives him a full elbow slam right into his gut but don't worry we will be alive he just really wants some hazard pay for this role.) C.C: And I promise I will tell Bob about this. (She slams the door on her way out). Stalin (as he tries to recover from his wounds): Oh frost my heart and hope NOT to die...again. Ugh...please oh please don't let the other one be as nasty. (Meanwhile in the other room Bob is in his PJ's and yes that is inappropriate but nobody wanted to see him in briefs so...well anyways a "certain someone" visits Bob.) Stalin (C.C as he is awfully near L.B): Oh, Lucky Bob, it's no good here. It'll destroy us. Bob: Don't worry Cho-cho we be away from here in the morning. Stalin (C.C): Oh, Bob you're so strong and protective. Bob: Duh... (Removes the mask on Stalin) YOU! (Suprisingly gives Stalin a nice swift uppercut to the jaw and knocks him out of the bed.) Stalin (while REALLY frustrated): Oh CoMe On BoB cOuLd YoU bE a LiTtLe MoRe NiCe... Bob: Why YOU! What you done with Cho-cho? Stalin: Nothing. Why? Do you think I (notices Bob's peeved face)...should? Bob: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...I've never...never...duh...never... Stalin: Oh please don't do that kind of joke, even though you've done that on the show. Now what was I to do...oh Yes yes, I know...but bob is it really all that bad is it? I mean not even half bad? (Voice gets weaker as he is more desperate) I think you really should try to enjoy it... please? Oh... be a little more soft on this old body... Bob (as Stalin tries to restrain him from attacking): Stop it...stop it...oh Cho-cho...CHO-CHO! Stalin (getting really restless): STOP! She's probably back asleep by now, do you want her to see you... like this...ugh... Bob (now going back to overdramatically reading the script & yes its been awhile since the last time he did this): "Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the real thing!" Stalin: Oh shut up Bob I don't like this as much as you do! But there's no crime IN ACTUALLY FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT BOB! Oh Bob, we've wasted so much time already...Cho-cho needn't know, all I'm doing is just some harmless "conformation", (really desperate in an almost sobbing voice) it won't hurt. Bob: Well, promise it won't hurt... Stalin (giggling as in almost cracking up that he might've actually succeed for once): On my mother's graoouuuuuu.... (Meanwhile in another room Froggo & Charity release Toast from his shackles at first Toast was confused then Froggo tried to scare him away with a candelabra. Why I dunno. Now Froggo goes back into our previous scene.) Froggo: Master Stalin: WHAT?! Froggo: Toasty has uh... broken his chains and vanished. The new worker is loose and somewhere on the grounds. Charity has just released.. the dogs. Stalin: Uhhhh.... Froggo you're lucky I'm too exhausted to be any more stressed out otherwise I would've smacked you too. Froggo: Duh... thanks sir. (Meanwhile C.C is in another room watching all of this in progress on video.) C.C (trying to act scared): What's happening here? Where's Bob? Where's anybody? Oh, Bob. Oh Lucky Bob, how could we have done this to ourselves? Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey in the first place... if only WE ACTUALLY HAD A CAR... oh, if only we were amongst friends...oh wait a minute we were... Uh or sane people, Oh Bob, WHY AM I SCREAMING THIS SEXIST SH... (Notices what is going in one of the cameras) Oh, Bob, Oh Bob-How could you? (Then notices on how it was really a "hand puppet simulation" from Stalin on how that recent scene "should've" been. Pathetic isn't it?) C.C: Huh?! (Shakes her head then just walks away.) (Now she is in a room here she finds Toast in the room.) C.C: Oh, but you're hurt...Did they do this to you? Here, I'll dress your wounds... there... (Again, meanwhile on the same different place with that same old man.) Father Time: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from what Charity and Pepper eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that C.C was, indeed, ... its slave... I think. Charity and Pepper: Tell us about it, Cho-cho. C.C: Hey we're not supposed to be able to hear you... oh... its bad enough that I'm actually doing this. Toast: Don't worry little dudette (starts to smile) y'know this doesn't have to be just you & me any of you ladies want to come down and join us? Charity: No Pepper (in a suprisingly bitter voice): Not if you're the last man on earth! Toast: OK but you ladies don't know what you're missing... *snickers* Charity: Yeah right Pepper: Cho-cho you cannot imagine how much we pity you right now. Cho-cho: It's all right he may not be bob but he'll do. (Toast & Charity & Pepper look confused) AY-IE AY-IE AY-IE AY-E! C.C: I was feeling done in, couldn't win I'd never even been dissed before. Pepper: You mean she's... Charity: Uh...huh. C.C: I thought there's no use getting Into heavy fretting It only leads to trouble And babyseat wetting. Now all I want to know is how to show. That we wish to waste this to a "dud" no more Charity & Pepper: No more, more, more C.C: I'll put up no resistance Hey you can look like the guy who did "go for the distance" (Now Toast finds his all too conveniently hidden guitar and starts playing.) I don't really want a shag No offense but it'll really make me hag. Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-e! I don't want to be flirty But thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the plight Then if anything goes, while you pose, I'll put my voice up or do it down. Charity and Pepper: Down, down, down? C.C: And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction You need a friendly woman and let's get into action. Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-e! I don't want to be flirty But thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the plight Pepper: Oh why is this Song & Story getting so PC? Charity (looking slightly disgusted): Do not be oh-so sure-e. (Notices that C.C is oddly looking into Toast's guitar in a odd way.) Pepper: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me? Charity: Creature of the plight? C.C: Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-ie! Ay-e! I don't want to be flirty But thrill me, chill me, fulfill me Creature of the plight Toasty: Creature of the plight Bob: Creature of the plight? Stalin: Creature of the plight. Charity: Creature of the plight. Froggo: Creature of the plight. Pepper: Creature of the plight. (Briefly does that "laugh") Toasty: Creature of the plight! C.C: Creature of the plight. (Meanwhile in a other part of the communist home. Stalin is having a friendly "chat" with Froggo about Toast's whereabouts.) Froggo: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I thought you weren't going to hit me! Stalin: I feel much better now and besides how did it happen? I understood you were to be watching! Froggo: We were only away for a minute...oh great leader Stalin: Ha that's all the time you need for that drunken girl (Charity was about to beat Stalin senseless but Froggo managed to stop her.) Stalin: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. Froggo: Uncle Joe...we have a visitor. Stalin (after smacking Froggo on the head): Don't call me that in public. (They noticed a certain wheelchaired American president out in the door.) Bob: Its, Franky! ...Uh... "President Franklin Delano Roosevelt". Froggo: You know this... American ...president? Bob: I certainly do! He happen to be an old friend of mine. Stalin: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose. Bob: "Me told you, our car broke down." I was telling the truth. Stalin: Uhhh... I thought you didn't have a car. Bob: Duhh... oh right HIYO! Stalin: Yeah... Well I know what you told me...but this President F.D.R, his name is not unknown to me. Bob: He be a American President. Stalin: And he also works for your government doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you catch commies! Which will probably get worse about decade after the 2nd World War isn't that right, Bob? Bob: He might be...me not know. Froggo: The intruder is entering the building, leader. Stalin: He'll probably be (reads the script)... "In the Zen room". (Thinking to himself: We had a zen room?) Shall we inquire of him in person? Bob: Duhh..."Grace Cot! (Once again everyone is befuddled) FDR: Joe Stalin, we meet at last. Bob: FDR! FDR: Bob! What are you doing here? Stalin: Don't play games Roosevelt! You know perfectly well what Lucky Bob is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you. (Giggling as he thinks to himself: Woah America is spting on us now that is a switch!) Well, unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I am adaptable, FDR; I think I know Bob is. FDR: I can assure you that Bob's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. (Thinking to himself: Ugh I should've known these kids are going to be trouble. I know that loud one was bad enough.) I came here to find Loudie. Bob: Loudie! We see him! Stalin: Loudie! What do you know of Loudie, FDR? FDR: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Loudie happens to be my "little friend". Stalin (while laughing): Oh this is rich whats the matter didn't you have enough with old churchill? FDR: He is a political friend as besides loud is my "little friend" as Froggo was to you, and besides he was the only one who'd accept the position so why not? And besides speaking of which for a Russian why do you have this British accent? Stalin: It's a long story. Brad: FDR. (They now noticed Toast & Cho-cho in the tube vat.) C.C: Huh? FDR: Cho-cho? C.C: FDR? Bob: Cho-cho? C.C: Bob? Stalin: Toasty? Toasty: HYSTERIA! C.C (after hitting him in the rib): Not now! FDR: Cho-cho? C.C: FDR? Bob: Cho-cho? C.C: Bob? Stalin: Toasty? Toasty: HYSTERIA! C.C (after hitting him in the rib): Not again! FDR: Cho-cho? C.C: FDR? Bob: Cho-cho? C.C: Bob? Stalin: Toasty? Toasty: HYSTERIA! C.C (after hitting him in the rib): OK lets just stop this! Stalin: Agreed...Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily. Charity: Leader, um... dinner is prepared! Stalin: Excellent what are we having? Charity: "Beef Wellington" Stalin: Nice...*ahem* Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. Father Time: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread in the upholded France, the last meal that a condemned Jew in Nazi Germany should have , and now, this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be very little.. bon ami. Stalin: A "other" toast... to absent friends? All: To absent friends? Stalin: And Toasty. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Toasty... Shall we? Toast: Huh? Dude my birthday is not for a while Stalin: You're birthday IN THIS STORY you fool! Toast: Woah Oops... FDR: We came here to discuss Loudie. Pepper & Charity & Froggo: Loudie?! Stalin: That's a rather tender subject. (As he slices the "meat") Another slice anyone? Pepper & Charity & Froggo (looking guiltfully squeamish): Oh boy... FDR: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined...COMMUNISTS! Toasty: Dude?! Hey wait don't we already know these guys are communists? Bob & C.C: FDR! Stalin: Go on, FDR. Or should I say Mr. FDR? Bob: Huh? FDR: Stalin you know I'm not german & besides speaking of which are you using technology that the Nazi's would crave and besides (slightly smiling) you know how Hitler likes his men. *Snicker* Stalin: Don't I ever that fruity little worm...hee hee well my men have actually found this nazi plan by accident and I took the opportunity to use it. Toast: Dude you mean I could've been with hitler? Stalin: Yes Bob: But FDR! FDR: That's all right, Bob. Froggo: Our little friend has been desposed of. FDR: WHAT?! OK Stalin what you do that for? I mean what did he do to you? Stalin: Nothing, actually I did it because MY little friend was furious after he saw louddie & Ms. Bazaar were dancing earlier. Charity: Oookay why would that be a problem? Stalin: Oh please Ms. Bazaar if you two were dancing any "more" this fic. whould've been R rated for sure! *Snickers* (Charity did not look pleased and her face was a little red.) Pepper (whispering to Cho-cho): Yeah does it seem strange on how she handles those poor boys so well? Cho-cho (whispering back): Yeah I know maybe she should've had my role! (They both snicker) Charity: I HEARD THAT! Stalin: So technically it is Froggo behind this. Charity (looking peeved at Froggo while he gulps in fright): Oh really? Should I be making frog's legs by tomorrow's dinner? Stalin: As Cho-cho's little friend would say "Yes/no" & besides don't get mad at him he is just surprised as the rest of you are. You see I thought he would've want me to get him out of the way I mean don't you see where I'm getting at? Charity (suddenly a lot more cheery): Oh yeah...*giggles* (The others try hard not to giggle too.) Froggo (while REALLY trying hard not to burst): STALIN! Stalin: Oops did I say too much? Charity (while patting Froggo's little bald capped head): Not really I knew the whole time. Froggo (while now he is trying hard not to be embarrassed): Really? Charity: Yes do you I think I was so oblivious on how obvious you where? (Looks at him closely while really smiling) Besides I wanted to see how much you'd squirm. *hee hee* (Froggo chuckles in extreme humiliation.) FDR: *ahem* That contrived little "triangular" moment was nice but I thought I start the upcoming OVER-DELAYED musical number. All: Go right ahead FDR: Thank you... LOUDIE FDR: From the day he was formed He was trouble. He was the thorn In his creator's side They tried in vain... Father Time:...but he never caused them nothing but shame. FDR: He left home the day the show died. From the day he was gone All he wanted Was Rock 'n' Roll fun And perhaps a motorbike Getting up in Aka's funk... Father Time: He was a loud dang cheap little punk! FDR: Taking everyone for a ride. All: When Loudie said he'd like to go ka-powie You knew he was a no-good kid. But he never threatened a life with his big-buck knife Charity: What a guy! Froggo: Makes you cry. FDR: And I did? Pepper & Charity & oddly enough Cho-cho: Everybody shoved him. Though we all have very nearly loved him. We said, hey, listen to me; Stay sane inside his insanity! And he was always such a cutie! (Snickering) FDR: But he must have been drawn Into something, Making him warn Me in a note that reads... All: What's it say? What's it say? Loudie's voice (as he freaks everyone in the room): I'm out of my head. Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. Those commies mustn't carry out their evil deeds. (He makes a odd laugh which really creeps the others out.) All: When Loudie said he'd like to go ka-powie You knew he was a no-good kid. But he never threatened a life with his big-buck knife Stalin (while covering Charity's mouth): What a guy! C.C (while doing the same to Froggo): Makes you cry. FDR: And I did. All: When Loudie said he'd like to go ka-powie You knew he was a no-good kid. But he never threatened a life with his big-buck knife Stalin (while covering Charity's mouth): What a guy! C.C (while doing the same to Froggo): Makes you cry. FDR: And I did. (Now Stalin removes the tablecloth to reveal Loudie or whats left of him.) FDR: Oookay this meal better not be what I think it is! Stalin (couldn't hold it any longer as he is now disappointed): No its not, you could talk now Loudie. And besides the censors & the folks at WB wouldn't let me actually kill him. Loud: Thank you Joe, And hello guys (smugly smiles a bit) and I heard everything that was going on out here. Gee Froggo did I make somebody jealous earlier? (Snickering) Froggo: Shut up! Charity (as she walks over to between the 2 boys): Now boys we must be calm about this I mean yes I am well aware of whats going on here but me must be mature about this. Froggo: Umm... Charity are you sure you want to stand there? Charity: Yeah why do you ask? Froggo: Lets just say you might want pants more often. Charity: Oh? (looks down & notices that she is standing right above Loud's face) AH! (She moves a bit forward is extremely red-faced and is holding up her skirt. While she gives him a rather hostile look he shakes his head no while when she looks at Froggo he shook his head yes as to indicate what loud was doing.) Lets just say you're now both a bit more..."equal". Pepper (whispering to the others): OK it was kinda cute at first but now its getting old! Bob: Don't worry me know what to do. (He shoves C.C right into Toast.) C.C & Toast: Bob? Bob: It part of script remember? C.C & Toast: Okay Stalin (after waking up from dozing off earlier): Duh...Toasty! Uh...How could you? MORE SLOW (Now he is chasing after Cho-cho everybody is surprised while Charity was giving a "Muntz"-ish type of laugh. As Toast plays in the guitar.) I'll tell you once; 'cause of this battered body in tow. You'd better be a bit more slow, Cho-cho. You're really not that too nice. You'd better be a bit more slow, Cho-cho. I've done my deed; it should be all you need. You're as pleasant as a enraging pheasant, wound up like me on my first sting. When I've to "make" you, didja hear some bell ring? Ya gotta block? Well, this ain't much to show. You better be a bit more slow, Cho-cho. The transducer will reduce ya. (Now C.C & Bob & FDR are trapped in the upper floor) C.C: My feet! I can't move my feet! FDR: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels! I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA! Bob: "It's as if we're glued to the spot!" Stalin: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools! C.C: We're trapped! Stalin: It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind suck can be nice. FDR: You won't find American people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device? Bob: Ya mean... FDR: Yes, Bob, it's something the rest of the world has been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time.. itself! C.C: You mean he's going to send us to another place to "gogo"? Stalin: Go-go, Schmoe-do, Cho-cho! You better be a bit more slow, Cho-cho. You better be a bit more slow, have something to show, You better be a bit more slow Father Time: And then she cried out... C.C (while pulling on Stalin's hair): Stop! Stalin (while in some pain): Don't get hot and flustered! Ah...Use a bit of mustard. Bob: Ya a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Stalin ya Dictator. (The switch is pulled and it now changes Bob.) FDR: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Stalin ya Dictator. (Another switch is pulled and the same effect happens) C.C: You're a hot dog -- (Take a guess what happens to her c'mon take a guess.) Pepper: My Gawd! I can't stand any more of this! First you "finished" Loudie, and then you Throw him off like an old coat for Toasty! You chew people up and then you spit them out again...I... "liked" you..do you hear me? I liked you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough You're gonna choose between me and Toasty, so named because he is so half-baked. (Now she goes under the same treatment) Stalin: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes my face ache... and those kids turn on me...Toasty's behaving just the way that Loudie did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them? Charity: Ugh! I grow weary of all of this! When shall we return you to Communist Russia, huh? And where is my "father"? Froggo: He left after the first act remember? Charity: Oh yeah Stalin: Charity, I am indeed grateful to both you and my little friend Froggo. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous. Charity: We ask for nothing...PLEASE we ask for nothing Stalin: And you shall receive it...in abundance! Come, we are ready for the floor show! Father Time: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Bob and C.C should keep that appointment with their friend, President Franklin D. Roosevelt. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after arriving to the house earlier, Bob & Cho-cho had both tasted well... something. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that is spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had been shaped by Stalin's crazed imagination? What indeed? >From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic. RUSSIA TINTS MY WORLD A. FLOOR SHOW Pepper (in Com. Uniform): It was great when it all began. I was a regular Commie fan. But it was over when he had the plan To start a-working on that dummy "man". Now the only thing that gives me hope Is my love of some other dope. Russia tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. Toasty (dressed up like Pepper): I think I'm just seven hours old, And truly beautiful to behold (Tries to pose) And somebody should be told That ol' spazzie hasn't been controlled. (Points to pepper while she growls) Now the only thing I've come to trust Is my fantastic rock of lust. Russia tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. Bob (check above): It's beyond me; help me Mami! I be good; you see. Taste this cream away. What's this? Let's see, I feel messy! What's come over me? Wo! Here it comes again. Cho-cho (like I need to tell you): I feel released; bad times ...decease? My confidence has increased; reality is here? The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded. It's a gas that Joey has landed! Though his trust ain't so sincere. "COMMUNIST" FANFARE/DON'T DREAM IT (With a communist sign) Stalin (dressed up): Whatever happened to Tim Curry? That "delicate", over-draped frame? As it clung to his thigh How I started to cry 'cause the guy voicing me is just the same. (As he & the others go into the pool) Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of this "mesh." Neurotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sporty daydreams to treasure forever Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh... oh! Don't dream it, be it. All: Don't dream it, be it. (They all repeat this for a while as they swim around in the pool.) (As they swim & dance meanwhile we see Froggo & Charity nearby watching all the events going about they watch as friends swim about in this demented little pool party. But oddly enough Froggo looks at Charity he actually tries to make a "may I have this dance" hand gesture and she oddly enough accepts it. Yes it seems strange as they're dancing about but it is a pretty nice scene, it's a pity this will be no more than just a script, oh well...) FDR: Ach! We've got to get out of this trap...before this "decadence?" saps our wills. I've Got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap, and my life will Be lived...(We see him lift a different boot in the air) for the thrills! I'M SO GOING TO GET SOMEONE FOR THIS! Stalin: Don't dream it, be it! Bob: It's beyond me; help me Mami! C.C: God bless Lilly St. Cyr? C. WILD AND UNTAMED THING Stalin: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my! We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're the bees with a deadly sting. We get a hit and our mind goes ping. Our hearts are thumping & our blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Russia tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. All: We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're the bees with a deadly sting. We get a hit and our mind goes ping. Our hearts are thumping & our blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Russia tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're the bees with a deadly sting. We get a hit and our mind goes ping. Our hearts are thumping & our blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Russia tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. Froggo (while in his normal clothes with Charity): Joe U Dictater, it's all over. Your mission is a failure; But this may seem too extreme. Your'e no longer a commander; You now are my prisoner. We'll return you to Communist Russia. Prepare the transit beam. Stalin: Wait! I can explain! I'M GOING HOME Stalin: On the day the czar went away... All: Goodbye... Stalin: Was all I had to say... All: Now I... Stalin: I want to come again, and stay. All: Oh, my, my... Stalin: Smile and that will mean I may. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize I'm truly going home. All: I'm going home. Stalin: Everywhere it's been the same... All: ...feeling... Stalin: ...like I'm outside of my reign... All: ...wheeling... Stalin: ...free to try and find a game... All: ...dealing... Stalin: ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. 'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize I'm truly going home. Stalin & All: I'm going home. Charity: How...sentimental. Froggo: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Communist Russia, I referred only to Charity and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway. Charity (whispering to Froggo): Froggo I thought we were to return HIM to communist russia & WE stay here! Froggo (while whispering back and pulling out a laser): Yes I know but its just a part of that screwed up script. FDR: Great heavens! That's a laser! Froggo: Yes, FDR. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter. Bob: Ya mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime? Stalin: Yeah... little buddy what was my...crime? FDR: You saw what became of Loudie. Society must be protected. Froggo: Exactly, FDR. Loud (ov): HEY COME ON GUYS YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I'M NOT DEAD! Froggo: Yes but now... Stalin: Oh come now you're still not mad at me about all those other things that happen before. Are you? Froggo: No Uncle Joe your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to oblivion! And besides look at the bright side at least you don't have to be in this anymore. Stalin: Good point in fact FIRE AWAY! (He does that as Stalin's body disintegrates into nothing he is now back being just a part of history.) Stalin (before his body completely disintegrates): Thank you little friends! All: Your welcome! Bob: Goo Glod! C.C: Oh! You ...killed him? But I thought you liked him. He liked you. Charity: Hey I was suppose to say that! (C.C blows raspberries at Charity.) Froggo: He did like me! He always did like...me? FDR: You did right...I think Froggo: A decision had to be made. FDR: You're...O.K. by me. Froggo: FDR, I'm sorry about your "little friend". FDR: Loudie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. Loud (ov): HEY WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ME OUT REMEMBER I'M STILL ALIVE! Froggo: You will! ...momentarily...hee hee. You should leave now, FDR, Bob & Cho-cho while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house back to Commie Central in Communist Russia. Go... Now! (And that's exactly what they did.) Our noble mission is completed, ol'...beautiful one, and soon we shall return to the laugh-drenched shores of our beloved show. Charity: Ah, sweet Hysteria, show of might. To sing and dance once more to our refrain... To take that - step, to the right... Both: HAH!! Froggo: But it's the bombing THRUST... Communists: That drives you insane! Charity: And our world...will learn of the World War...again! SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE - REPRISE (As the end credits roll) Charity & Froggo with the chorus: Science Fiction Double Feature Joe has built and Lost his creature. Communist was suppose to conquer Bob and Cho-cho These servants had gone to Dance a bit more-oh! Wo, oh, oh, oh. At the late night, double feature, Picture show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh. To the late night, double feature, Picture show. THE END (After the end) Froggo: Charity I just want you to know...I'm sorry...I... Charity: Shhh... its ok and besides it was all for fun. (Removes his bald cap and puts a small little kiss on his forehead.) Now you won't tell anyone about this huh? Froggo: I would not dare... Charity: Now lets get Loud out of that box...OK? Froggo: OK...gee I wonder if Riff Raff & Magenta had this much fun in the movie? Charity: I dunno... Richard O' Brien(smugly): Oh I dunno it... could be possible. *Snicker* Patricia Quinn (smacks ROB): Oh pay no attention to him kids you all run along now. Richard O' Brien: Owie don't be so mean to me "ol' beautiful sister"... Charity: You mean you are... PQ: No... ROB: Well are you... Froggo: No... lets get out of here charity. Charity: Right (And they did) (Now ROB & PQ) PQ: Well as the children said... ROB: LETS DO THE WOR...TIME WARP AGAIN! (THE END AND YES IT IS THE ENDING!)