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In the middle of it all was a dirty bill-board with the scrawled logo "Denton, Home of Happiness". "Nothing smeggin' happy about it," said Eddie Lister to himself. You see, Eddie wasnt on Mimas of his own free will. he just sort of woke up there one day... It all started on his birthday. Eddie was a punk boy who had recently left home, on the very day his mother died, as a matter ofb fact. He sort of bummed around and supprted himself as a delivery boy. He and his mates started bar hopping at sunset of his birthday: They had beer at Moes Tavern, vodka at a pub called "Hetzers", whisky at O'Briens, Italian wine at Piro's, and so on. Eddie drank and drank, and soon he found himself flat on his ack, opening his eyes. And the sky was a different color. Not the black or blue or polluted grey of earth, but a swirling mish-mash of tan and brown. "Uh oh," said Eddie as he sat up. He was in a dumpster in the spaceport, a crumpled ticket from Earth to Mimas, one way, was in his closed fist...a drunken joke from his friends that got badly out of hand. From there on Eddie put things together: his friends had gotten drunk, he had gotten drubnk, and somehow or other they chipped in and bough him a ticket to one of the outer moons and there he was, on Mimas, flat broke and out of ideas. He was, after all, a low down cheap little punk, but he knew a thing ior two about vehicles. Eddie had taken tio stealing a taxi cab every day, driving it all night, and returning it near the cab depot in the morning. he didnt want to really steal the cab, just use it, so he always returned it. he wasnt a criminal, but he had to earn enough money for a ticket home, and that was expensive..more expensive than he though. Everything costmoney here: the small mail locker that he called home at the moment, food, air, water, and especially beer. eddie was drinking more of his profits than he should,but what else was there to do in this one horse town??? So there he was, sitting in his cab humming an old Buddy Holly song, when he saw the man: he raised his hand, and haoled him. A fare! Eddie pulled over, and the man got in. "Corner of Quinn and Campbell," said the man. Eddie smiled. That was the very center of the Mimas red light district. The man was on his way to a whore house. "Gonna get a little action, eh?" asked Eddie with a smile. The man in the back seat looked up. he did not smile. "No. I dont associate with such riffraff. Lifes pretty cheap to that type," said the man. He had glasses, black hair, and a uniform on. The name tag said Brad R Majors. "Space corps?" asked eddie, indicated the uniform. "Jupiter mining Company. Now mind the road." Eddie didnt like the man at all, but he wanted to be friendly, every little tip counted. "So where ya going to,mate?" Eddie asked. "Dr. Scotts Refresher Course, if its any of your business," said "Brad R. Majors". "Mining comapny, eh? Where you headed?" The man sighed, showing his annoyance. "My ship-the Red Dwarf-has a final destination port on Earth." "EARTH?" Eddie said and slammed the cab to a halt. Brad R Majors was slammed foward, then back into the seat. "How do I join?" asked Eddie with all seriousness. "What?" asked Brad. "the Red Dwarf, Jupitor Mining, how do I join?" Eddie begged. Brad was confused. "You just go to the space port and sign up, but.." Brad was slammed back into the seat again as Eddie put the car into gear. His mind raced-this ship, the Red Dwarf, was going to earth! All he had to do was sign up, join the crew, and jump ship as soon as they made it home! He would get a one way trip for free! He raced to get this Majors guy to his Refresher Course, and then he would get down to the space port and sign up! The car came to a half in front of a delapidated old building. Hookers and pimps walked the streets or stood in the doorways. An especially tough looking pimp with a nukber of slutty looking ladies stood directly under the sign over the door that said "Dr. Scott's Refresher Course." Brad got out of the car, and Eddie saw Brad speak to the pimp, who then walked him in. he had no doubt that the pimp was Dr Scott himself. But no time to laugh, he had to get to the port, he was going home!!!!! Dr. Scott and the rest of the scientists, government officials, tech crew, and various other base personalle waited by the landing field. The "Long Reach" was first detected when it hit Mar's orbit on its way back from another star. Neither Ralph Hapschatt or Brad majors, the two men to ever travel to another star, had radioed in, and wouldnt answer calls. Everyone wondered why. "Ach," said Dr. Scott as he saw the bright pin-point in the sjy that was the ship. It was equipped with an experimental transit beam-stolen technology from an "undisclosed source" and was man kinds first step into the rest of the galaxy. It was votally important that this, the first mission, succeed. The :ong Reach came closer...closer...and made a perfect, gentle landing. The metal of the ship was glowing red near the bottom even as everyone gathered around it. After a few moments the large cargo bay doors opened, and a gang-plank was lowered. One man appeared at the door-tall, blond, slim-Ralph Hapschatt. But...where was Brad? Ralph started to walk down the plank...his hair was a mess, his face was unshaven...and he looked not at all happy. "Ralph..where's Brad? Vot happened, why didnt you answer..." Ralph payed Dr. Scott no kind and kept on walking, much to everyone suprise...past the crew and troops. He only stopped when the two guards atb the entrance way barred his path. They didnt know what was going on, but they knew that the dishevelded man in front of them was NOT what was supposed to land in that ship. "Ralph..."said Dr. Scott as he wheeled himself up. "Vere's Brad? I demand an answer!" "Dead," said Ralph. "Lets go to your office, I need a shot of your scotch," said Ralph dully. Just then confusion and panic broke out-the ship was turning redder, not less red. Dr. Scott had Ralph escorted to his office.The armed guards waited just outside as Ralph sat in the soft chair in front of Dr. Scotts desk. He smelled of human body odor, and didnt seem to notice. He finished his drink in two gulps, and poured himself another without asking. "Vee came here to discuss Brad," said Dr. Scott. "He's dead, what's to discuss?" said Ralph softly. His eye's had a far away look, the look of a man that was remembering something painfull that might have happened long ago. "Ralph...did you kill Brad?" asked Dr. Scott. It had happened before-two men in closed quarters for six months, no distractions...a small fight over the last beer could lead to a deathmatch. "What? No, no I didnt kill Brad!" said Ralph in shock. "Zen..vot happened to him?" "I told him to move...he couldnt, his leg was broke...he couldnt keep up, I didnt want to leave him...if only he had gotten that spare tire fixed!!!" Ralph started to raise his voice, his throat clogged with emotion, tears welled up in his blue eyes. "Relax, have anuzzer drink. There, now, tell me from the beginning," offered Dr. Scott. Ralph nodded, wiping a tear away. "From the beginning..." said Ralph, and he thought back... Brad Majors and Ralph Hapschatt were just a few hours away from the planet. They had broken out of transit a few hours ago, right on target in the star system they had wanted. They detected the new planet by its methane signature: where there was methane, there was life. A few hops in transit and they ship was only a few thousand miles away. They could see the planet, and it looked like Heaven: white clouds, blue sea, green land mass. "Lets see if anyone home," said Brad as he consulted a computer. A few minutes later he reported. "No radio or television, no fusion or energy use of any kinds, no pollutants in the air...a pristine planet, totally fresh. Ralph, this was more than we could have hoped for!" Brad smiled and gave Ralph a hardy punch in the shoulder. Ralph smiled. It was indeed more than they could have hoped: the air was almost Earth normal;people could live here. There were large oand masses of vegetation-Terran foods would grow here. It would be a whole new Earth, and that would help solve a LOT of problems. "Lets go down," Ralph said, and they headed for the lander. The small shuttle broke from the ship and went into low orbit, over the day side, then the night. "Thats funny," said Ralph as he looked into the light spectrum. "Whats funny?" asked Brad. "Thats not only funny, thats god damned strange," said Ralph. "Whats God darn strange?" asked Brad, who hardly ever cursed, due to his good, old fashioned Episcopalian up-bringing. "Theres a band, a fringe, colored red, surrounding all the fresh water sources. Thats all the water on the planet, by way. Its all fresh water-one more gem of a find. But red indicates life-what kind of life would fringe all the water sources on a whole planet? It dosent make sense!" Ralp[h exclaimed. "Herd beasts? Maybe a yeast or mold with body temperature that only grows on the shore line?" Brad offered. "There's only one way to find out," said Ralph. "Lets take her in." The small lander broke into atmosphere, and glided. They came out over the ocean. It was all blue sky and white clouds and blue water, perfectly fresh...and over the water was a sea of algie. "I need a sample," said Ralph, and the lander slid to a stop on the water. Ralph and Brad got out, and with a long pole, collected a sample. "Well?" asked Brad an hour later as Ralph looked into the portable electron microscope. Ralph looked up, smiled...and plopped a bit of alga into his mouth. "You better hope thats not posion," Brad said. "It isnt. Tastes like seaweed, full of protein and other trace elements. Its the same strain, all around, presumably all around the planet. It provides full nourishment, Brad. You can live off of it, along with thefresh water. That means this stuff was gene tailored-no variation in tye species, no mutation. Someone MADE this stuff. Weve stumbled on someones private scum farm." "Aliens?" Brad said. "Gotta be, unless God has a sense of humor. This stuff inst natural." "Then...if this isnt natural, whats the heat source surrounding the land/water coast going to be like?" Brad asked. "Lets go find out." "And when we found out, we decided to go home," Ralph said. he was on his fourth scotch, and he was starting to get drunk. "What did you find?" asked Dr. Scott, facinated. "People...we found people." "I dont belive it," said Ralph in shock. he sat on the side of the lander, and handed the macro goggles to Brad. Brad look towards the shore. "Great scott!" Brad exclaimed. It was people: all sizes, all shapes, all colors. Stone aged people. They had all different colors of hair, and used paint or some pigment to color their bodies: if you squinted it looked like the black smears across the eyes were supposed to be sun glasses, the black around the legs and chest and arms looked almost like a tuxedo, and there was a wide variation of brightly colored "cummbunds" on the stomachs. They masses around the shore, and there was constant fighting: groups traveled in packs, women and children and mating couples in the center, men and older boys ina ring around the outside, protecting the ones inside. Every few minuites one ring of people would bully their way to the shiore, eat and drink, and then get pushed back when the next pack came. there were several murders-they fought to the death. Brad didnt want to think about what he saw them doing to the bodies of the dead. "I guess they dont ever see any other meat," Braid said."Its just them isnt it? The people and the seaweed. No technology, no metals, no tools...just fighting and eating and breeding and dying...how...how could it have happened?" Brad asked. Ralph was still in shock, but had been thinking the same thing. Here's an idea...this was a farm planet, and they grew scummy seaweed. There had to be a farmer, or a watchman, or someone to keep an eye on things. Something happened to the people who were supposed to pick him up, and he was trapped, maybe with his family. They had babies, and the babies grew and had babies. First there were fifty people, then a hundred...then a thousand, and a million, until finally every inch of land where there was water and food were packed shoulder to shoulder...and here they are." Brad was speachless. It was a horrible thing to contemplate, but it made the only sense. "Okay. We grab a sample body, and we leave. I dont want to be here when help finally comes," said Brad, and Ralph agreed. They got into the lander, and flew inland, far over the heads of the staring savages, and landed perhaps a mile inland. Brad got into the small, one seat rover and headed towards the shore. "You suire you wanna do this?" asked Ralph. "Yes. There will have to be plenty of bodies around. We grab one for study and leave, no problem." Ralph watched from the ships television monitor as Brads buggy got closer and closer to the heat mass. "Dont get too close," warned Ralph. Brad came to a stop in small canyon. There were bodies-most partially chewed, a few whole and more or less fresh. Maybe they didnt have enough meat on them for the others to bother with, or maybe they ran too far away from the crowd for anyone to follow, Brad thought. he got off the buggy and started to examine a cadaver...and one of the bodies about a dozen yards away looked up. Not dead, but close. The mummy next to it looked up as well. Brad looked back. He wished he could have helped them, but what could he do? But he didnt like the way they were looking at him, so he hurried up and started to hoist the body up. He doubted they could hurt him, not thru the pressure suit, and not almost starved to death. Brad looked over...and saw that both of the people were getting up...and he saw what was in their eyes" Thought. The savages were thiking something along the lines of "There may be something to eat inside that metal suit, something wet...there just may be..." and suddenly the two were running right at him. "Guh!" Brad yelled. He pegged the first one in the head with his fist, and iotr dropped, paper light. The other one stepped back, and salivated as it looked for a way to attack Brad. "Brad, heat sources coming at you...three,seven..fifteen,thirty eight...Brad, the whole pack knows your there! Get out of there, now!" Ralph yelled. Brad let the body slide away as he hopped on the buggy and gunned it to life. he hit the "DRIVE" grear just in time to see a mob of hungry, thirty people running at him. He gunned the buggy, full throttle, and left most of them behind. He avoided the rocks in his way, and spared one quick look back-yes, the mob was falling away! Then-BAM! Brad was trown foward, landed on his leg, and heard the knee snap in two. The metal wheel of the buggy sailed over his head and away-he had hit a depression in the road, and at the speed he was going the metal sheared off, severing the tire. "Brad!" Ralph yelled. Brad tried to get up, and pain shot thru him. The mob was getting closer. "Hit the autospare, it'll inflate enough to get you out of there!" yelled Ralph in a panic. he was getting the ship up even as he spoke. "Cant, its still broken," Brad said in pain. "I told you to get that spare tire fixed!" Ralph yelled...and the mob was on him. The last thing Ralph saw before the magensium self-destruct mini-bomb in Brads suit went off was Brad, buried under a pile of people, all trying to tear his clothes off. "So you came home," said Dr. Scott. "So I came home," agreed Ralph. "Vell, thats quite a story," said Dr. Scott," But Ralph, zink about it! It would take hundred of thousands of years for all those people to spread zat far! If help vas going to come, it vould haf been zere by now. It is obvious that whomever it vas that grew the scum is no longer around. Zerefor it is zafe to go back into spaze." Ralph gulped the rest of his drink. "You still dont get it, do you?" he asked, and smiled. "Thats okay, Ive had months to think it over. Dr. Scott, we assume that the scum, the seaweed, was the product and the people were there by mistake. No, wrong,way wrong," Ralph said, and laughed. Then he banged his fist against the desk top so hard that he may have broken a few fingers. "Its the people! Think about it! A fresh water planet, with all the seaweed anyone wants, enough to support life indefinately...the people grow, and expand, and get fat until there are so many of them that there isnt enough for all...and THEN the farmers come! Its the PEOPLE that are the farm animals, the meat animals, and the seaweed is just there to feed them until slaughtering time!!!" Ralph was in a panic now. "We CANT let those farmers, those aliens, kow were here! WE have it made, lets just stay here!" Dr. Scott pressed a button under his desk, and the soldiers came in, and ralph was dragged away screaming about how we cant ever go back into space. "Of course we must go back into space," said Dr. Scott to himself. "The best defense is a good offense...society must be protected." Eddie walked into the docking port, and looked up. And up. And UP. The ship was huge, bigger than anything he had ever seen, a mass of red metal that blotted out the sky. "Brutal," said Eddie, and went to his shuttle. He had signed on as a Technician Third Class, and would be responsible for delivering chicken soup to the Captain, bringing reports here and there, and doing other "delivery boy" work. Eddie stood in the elevator with a number of other young men. "Urp," burped the thin blond man next to him. His nametag said "R. HAPSCHATT". This Hapschatt chap reached into his jacket and removed a can of Glen Fujiyama Malt Whiskey, downed it in a gulp or three, and burped again. "They don't let you bring any outside alcohol into the ship, regulations," said Ralph, passing Eddie a can and opening another. The shared a drink or two and then the elevator doors opened into the vast main deck of Red Dwarf. Ralph Hapschatt and Eddie stepped out and looked around; people were walking here and there, busy at this job or that ... the room was vast, and on the roof was a huge picture of a man's head, and he was answering questions for people. He had short silver/gray hair, and an older face, with deep lines etched into it. "Looks like a chicken stepped on his forehead," said Eddie, and Ralph laughed as well. "That's Holly, ship's computer, or Criminologist, or brain, or whatever you want to call him. Has an IQ of over 5000. Go ahead, ask him anything." "Uh, Holly...I mean, Criminologist...uh, who won the last Regionals for the London Jets?" The huge face looked down at him. "Hullo, Eddie," he said. "That would be Jim Bexley Speed." "Brutal," smiled Eddie, and they walked forward to the main reception area. As they waited, a few others started to join them in chugging down the drinks, and soon Eddie, Hapschatt, Freeman, Chen, and Peterson were roaring drunk. Just then a senior man walked up, swiveled his wrist and hand near his head in the strangest salute they had ever seen, and waited for the salute to be returned. "You're drunk," sneered the man. His nametag said B. R. Majors. "Hey, ain't you the bloke that I dropped off at 'Dr. Scott's Refresher Course'?" asked Eddie. "Certainly not," replied Brad with a ill-hidden lie. "You men disgust me. You'll never be an officer this way." "I don't wanna be an officer - I don't care about anything as long as I'm heading back to Earth," said Eddie with a smile. He lit a hand-rolled cigarette and puffed, and placed the smoldering butt in his ear so he could open another can of Glen Fujiyama. "TO Earth?" Brad sneered again. "See, there's a perfect example. You don't even know where we're going. For your information, we are on our way to Jupiter." "JUPITER!?!" Eddie jumped to his feet. "What about going to Earth? You said yesterday that Red Dwarf is going to Earth!" "No no no Listy, " said Brad with a smile. He was smiling because he saw the look on Edward Lister's face: abject disappointment. "I said that Earth was the final destination. We go to Jupiter for three years, then back to Earth. Now, if I were you I would sober up, we leave port in just under an hour." Brad saluted that queer salute of his again and walked away. Eddie was devastated. Ever since his birthday he had been traveling farther and farther away from home, and now this. There had to be a way around this … there HAD to! And since Holly, the Ships Criminologist, had a super-huge IQ, he had better make good use of it in the short time he had left before Red Dwarf left port … Eddie had the problem solved. He picked Holly's brain, and found that there was a crime he could commit that would get him thrown into stasis, the "no time" jail that held criminals aboard Red Dwarf. He purchased a cat, a cat that was certified to be one of the healthiest animals on that world, totally free of contamination of any kind. Eddie didn't want to put the crew into danger. Once the cat was discovered he would be thrown into no-time jail, and would ride out the rest of the trip asleep, and would wake up when he was finally home. All he had to do was wait till someone noticed that he had brought a cat on board… There was a woman on the ship's control deck. She was the most beautiful woman Eddie had ever seen, and he fell in love with her the very nano-second he saw her. Her name was Christine "Columbia" Kochanski. She was petite, had red hair and raccoon eyes and a pinball smile. She smiled as he walked up to him. "I see you've been summoned to the Captain's Office," she said in a high "Betty Boop" like voice. "Some people would give their right arm for the privilege," she said with some sarcasm. "People like you, maybe?" Eddie asked as he lowered himself closer to her. "Ha," she teased. "I've seen it." "LISTER, FRONT AND CENTER!" called Captain Hollister. "Oops, gotta go," said Eddie, and he walked into the Captain's room. Eddie stood there in his Red Dwarf cap, "Baby" vest, and black t-shirt that said "Eddie" on the front and "London Jets" on the back. It was stained with beer and fag ashes, and Eddie never seemed to mind that it smelled very strongly of both. Captain Hollister sat at his desk, and gave him a stern eye. "Eddie, where's the cat?" he asked. "Cat, Sir? What cat?" he asked with an innocent smile. "This cat," said the Captain, producing a photo of both Eddie Lister and the cat, inside his crew quarters. "Not only are you stupid enough to smuggle a cat on board, you also are stupid enough to actually send the film you took to be developed here on the ship! You know the regulations, Lister. Remember what happened on the O'Brien with all those rabbits? Now, where is the cat?" "If I tell you," said Eddie, trying to antagonize the Captain as much as he could without showing too much disrespect, "what will you do to it?" "I'm going to have to order it destroyed and examined for contagions," said the Captain simply. "With respect, Sir, what's in it for the cat?" Eddie smiled when he saw the shade of red that Hollister's face turned. "You have a choice, Lister. You either give me the cat or you will ride out the rest of this trip down in the Zero Time cells and forfeit all pay. Now, what's it gonna be!?!" Eddie smiled as he was marched to the Zero Time cell. His plan worked perfectly: when he closed his eyes he would be a million or more miles away from home, but when he opened them he would be back orbiting Earth, his home. The cat was somewhere down in the cargo hold. It would be found eventually, he guessed. He hoped it wouldn't be hurt some way or another, but that was all out of his hands. Eddie looked out of the window, and smiled and waved … "It is now safe for you to come out of Zero Time, Eddie," said Holly's voice. The door opened, and Eddie came out. "Hey, I'm back! Yeah!" he said and jumped. "Please report to the control room for debriefing, Eddie," said the Criminologist's face from a wall screen. "Hey, where is everyone?" asked Eddie with a smile as he wiped his fingers into a large white pile of powder that was left lying on top of a shirt and pants on hall chair. He placed his finger in his mouth and tasted. Not bad. "Please report to the control room for debriefing, Eddie," said Holly again. Eddie walked on, still surprised that there was no one about. The ship was huge, but always crowded...and why did Holly say it was "safe" for him to leave Zero Time instead of "you may now exit" or some such thing? Eddie wasn't quite sure yet, but he had a feeling that something was just not quite right. He came across another pile of powder, swept his finger in, and licked as he lit up a smoke. With no one around, why not? Eddie entered the main control room. There was no one there either, and most of the control terminals were silent. There were piles of clothes, mostly rags, and lots of the sugar-like substance that he had been enjoying. "Okay, I'm here … what's up?" he asked. "Eddie, everyone is dead. There was a severe radiation leakage from the spare reactor, killing everyone aboard before I could seal the ship. As such I headed her out to deep space until the background radiation wasn't a hazard anymore. I've been on my own for quite some time." "What do you mean, everyone is dead?" interrupted Eddie. "Everyone is. Dead, I mean." answered Holly. "Everyone? Chen? Peterson?" "Dead. Everyone is dead." "Freeman? Hapschatt?" asked Eddie. "Yes, dead, everyone is dead." "Columbia?" asked Eddie with sadness. "Yes, Columbia. Columbia, Hapschatt, Freeman, Chen, Peterson, all dead. Everyone is dead, Eddie. Dead, everyone." Holly tried to make him understand with a final "Everyone … is … dead … Eddie." The truth, the shock, had hit him. "Are you trying to tell me...that everyone is dead?" "Yes." "How...how long?" Eddie asked, sitting down. "Three millions years," answered Holly. The fact that the human race was gone didn't phase him a bit. The fact that he was the last living human didn't bother him. The fact that he was three million years away from home didn't upset him in the slightest. Yet. That would come in a few minutes. What hit Eddie hardest was the fact that Columbia was dead. "She … she was part of my plan. I was gonna have a farm in Fiji, and Columbia was gonna be there...she was going to wear baby-pink lipstick and a white plastic belt, and we were gonna listen to Buddy Holly … he was a singer, pure "punk skank rock-a-billy," said Eddie. He swept more of the powder into his mouth. He was stunned and in shock, but finally saw that he was surrounded with the piles of powder. "What is this I'm eating?" he asked Holly. "That was second technician Ralph Hapschatt," said the ship's Criminologist. Eddie spit the contents of his mouth out. "Why didn't you tell me!?!" he yelled. "I dunno, just forgot. I think I'm a bit computer senile. It has been three million years you know." "The ass on your chin dosen't look any bigger … three million years," he said wistfully. "Yeah," agreed Holly. "You always think it'll happen to some other species, and the moment your turn your back...wouldn't you know it." "Columbia," said Eddie with a tear. "Well, if it helps, the age difference would have been insurmountable. At least you can use her to grit the path when it snows." "HOLLY!" complained Eddie. "Sorry, Eddie, I'm just used to saying what I think, that's all. I've been on my own for...well, you know." "Yeah, I know," said Eddie. Holly had to do something, fast. Eddie was not taking the loss of the human race well. Over the last three days he had taken to drinking until he passed out somewhere on the ship in his own vomit. He walked the halls, a bottle of whiskey in his hand, or rode his bike around the large decks. He screamed at people that weren't there, and always wound up back in the ship's disco, where he would cry as he leaned on the jukebox, and danced with a phantom partner that no one but he could see and called her Columbia... Eddie woke up one morning in the sick bay. The ship's small service robots, skutters, had dragged him there on Holly's orders. He had been kept sedated as his system was purged of alcohol. Finally he awoke, with a killer hangover, and he opened his eyes to see Brad Rimmer Majors looking down at him. There was a large "H" on his head. "You're a hologram," said Eddie. "So I am. No thanks to you," sneered Brad, and pressed his glasses back up his nose. PART 3 coming soon!