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"Denton Pie"
(A parody of "American Pie")
(With apologies to Don McLean!)
by Kyria Williams
Not all that long ago
Brad and Janet still remember
How the 'Time Warp' used to make them smile.
And they knew that, given half a chance,
The Trannies'd show them how to dance.
Riff was happy in the castle, for a while..
November evening made them shiver
But 'The Plain Dealer' did deliver-
Saved Janet's hair from the rain,
'Cos re-curling is such a pain.
The tyre was flat on the driver's side;
Went for help, Brad and his to-be bride,
To the castle- but what's inside?
With 'a star as their guide'
They were singing:
'In velvet darkness there is a light
No matter what, it's burning bright
At the Frankenstein place- it's quite a sight.'
When the door is opened they get a fright
And Janet urges Brad to take flight
Did you meet Magenta, Riff Raff's love?
As she slides down the rail from the room above
"We're all lucky!"- she tells us so
Cueing in the start of some rock 'n roll
The clock in the foyer begins to toll
And the Trannies put on quite a show
They jump to the left, step to the right
With hands on hips and knees in tight.
Here's Columbia in tap shoes,
She tells us how she escaped the blues;
She was walkin' and thinkin'- just a broncin' buck
When he winked at her from a pickup truck
That's when she knew that she was in luck,
The day that Frank arrived..
And he was singing.
My my, this Frank N Furter guy
Is even queerer then Elvira
And this he doesn't deny
Invites them to the lab to see Rocky on high,
Sayin' "I have built a man, and no lie,
Such a man as he will make you cry."
Now, Brad and Janet just want to go home,
So, once again, Brad asks Frank for the phone
But that's not how it was to be.
Instead this demented, mad scientist queen,
Dressed in a lab coat coloured green,
Announces that to life he holds the key
Standing at the tank and looking down
Flanked by two assistants in mask and gown.
Up Rocky jumps and runs along
And Frank feels the need of a song.
And while Furter tells us of his plan
In just seven days to make Rocky a man,
Down comes the freezer door with a slam
Signaling Eddie's arrived..
And he was singing.
Now now, Frankie, that's really not nice,
Eddie gatecrashed your party and now he's on ice
With a pick axe you him did dice,
And now you'll serve him slice by slice,
Add lots of sauce- he will suffice.
Now comes the part where the heroes swelter
In their fall from grace there is no shelter
Jan's miles high and falling fast
So is Brad, whom Frank does last.
Then at Rocky Janet makes a pass,
With Mags and Columbia having a blast!
Riff Raff observes with a sense of gloom
That Dr Scott is in the Zen Room
Asks 'bout Ed's last dance
Oh, but he never got the chance
'Cause Janet's revealed as a sinner
Magenta says it's time for dinner
And we're left with no clear-cut winner
Just a feeling of doom
And we're left saying:
"Now isn't that something hard to beat?
Everyone's done everyone, now it's time to eat.
What's on the table? Oh look, it's meat.."
Served with wine it's tender and sweet,
Yes, eating Meatloaf makes a day complete.
Sitting at the table, each in their place
The humans and persons from outer space.
'Don't drink 'till you're told you may'
Watch Frank N Furter carve a roast
Raise his glass, propose a toast:
"Absent friends and Rocky's birthday."
The Dr spoke and, at one stage,
Brad's hands were clenched in fists of rage
Their appetite was failing
And Columbia was wailing
We see the note- "I'm out of my head.."
Scott's filled with inevitable dread.
For he suspects that Eddie may be dead
And served up- roast, boiled or fried..
They were all singing:
'Bye-bye cheap-punk-Eddie-guy
Get ready to miss your teddy and make your uncle cry.
No more motorcycle stunts will you try'
Under the table do you now lie
A mangled corpse, all to horrify
Well, Janet must up, and how does she act?
She runs to Rocky. Now, Frank has no tact.
He chases Janet round and pulls down
Her bra strap
So Brad goes and gets all angry at him,
And Dr Von Scott happily joins in.
Next thing, wouldn't you know?
Frank strikes them a fatal blow!
The 'Medusa' has turned them to stone
Luckily, they're not alone
For Columbia and Rocky are solid as chrome
While Magenta- she just wants to go home!
But Frank, no, he's not done quite yet
For with lipstick and boas and a bit of fishnet,
"Come, we are ready for the floorshow!"
Where they'll be singing.
Oh, my, now isn't that quaint?
Chicks and guys dressed up in white face paint
You can't have this much fun and still be a saint
Rocky's dance will make granny faint
Are those tits covered? Oh, no they ain't..
Once on stage, they sing the blues
And strut around in high-heeled shoes
And Dr Scott thinks he might be gay.
Then, for sensual fun, into the pool
Then out for a dance, it's getting quite cool,
And it appears they're having a good day
'Till the servants enter, Columbia screams,
Frank's "mission is a failure" so it seems.
A teary-eyed excuse is spoken,
But Riff's will can not be broken.
And so the Transvestite that I admired most,
Along with Rocky, became a ghost
And with a plume of smoke (as from burnt toast)
The castle's up, up and away..
And Brad's left singing.. (1st verse of "Superheroes"- it fits!)
And Janet's singing.. ("Superheroes" 2nd verse)
The Crim is singing:
"An crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race
Lost in time, and lost in space.."
The spinning globe now slackens its pace
And closing credits fall into place..
(With O'Brien singing…)
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