THE MONTY HORROR PYTHON SHOW (excerpts) by Otis T. Hambone
          ----------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: Unfortunately, the complete script of "The Monty Horror Python Show"
(a.k.a. "Rocky Python's Flying Picture Show") was destroyed in a flash fire
at a waterbed shop.  Luckily, I managed to save a few pages, and here they
are...

***************

THE MONTY HORROR PYTHON SHOW

STARRING...

JOHN CLEESE
as Frank-N-Furter (a loony)

CONNIE BOOTH
as Janet Weiss (also a loony)

ERIC IDLE
as Brad Majors (out of his tree)

TERRY GILLIAM
as Riff-Raff (quite crazy, thank you)

TERRY JONES
as Magenta (a raving lunatic)

CAROL CLEVELAND
as Columbia (bonkers)

MICHAEL PALIN
as Dr. Scott (only sane one in the picture)

GRAHAM CHAPMAN
as Rocky Horror (nutty as a fruitcake)

NEIL INNES
as Eddie (mad as a hatter)

AND

JOHN (oh, not him again) CLEESE
as The Criminologist

NOTE:  Upon their first appearance, characters' names (which may or may not
be said aloud during the film) are accompained by the initials of the actor
in the role.  Generally -- although by no means always -- (JC) = John Cleese;
(CB) = Connie Booth; (EI) = Eric Idle; (TG) = Terry Gilliam; (TJ) = Terry
Jones; (CC) = Carol Cleveland; (MP) = Michael Palin; (GC) = Graham Chapman;
(NI) = Neil Innes, and (JSM) = John Stuart Mill, who is nowhere to be found
in this picture.  Thank you.

@#$%

[After 20th Century Frog fanfare (complete with belching frog as MGM lion),
begin with completely black screen.  Music begins.  A dot appears and comes
closer.  As the dot gets larger, we see that it is a middle-aged woman, a
Pepperpot, wearing a floral housecoat and carrying a bucket.  She is floating
through space and time.  She moves closer and closer until all we see are her
aged lips.  She sings.  Well, squawks really, but she's trying . . . and
that's what's important.]

PEPPERPOT (TJ):
Michael Palin had lied
When that poor parrot died
And he'd sold it to John Cleese
When he played Wensleydale
It was to no avail
His cheese shop didn't have any cheese

And...

[Suddenly, an animated foot crushes the woman.  Music stops.]

PEPPERPOT:
Wahhh!!!

[Thus begins a typical Gilliam animated credits sequence.  We hear Sousa's
"Liberty Bell March."  The various pieces of the now-deceased Pepperpot are
thrown into a machine by burly factory workers.  The machine processes the
body parts in a variety of colorful ways and spits out the credits at the
other end.  Fade out.]

@#$%

[Fade in.  A beautiful little chapel in the woods.  A sign outside reads:
"EIGHTH CHURCH OF ST. BOSCO, THE NOT-PARTICULARLY-HOLY."]

{NOTE: I'm afraid the next few pages are missing from my script.  The script
picks up on page 22 with a musical number called "The Cheese Warp."}

RIFF-RAFF (TG):
Don't be rude-a
Have some Gouda
Edam's -- quite nice, too
Snack on some Stilton

MAGENTA (TJ):
Don't forget the Bel Paese

RIFF-RAFF:
Brie, Swiss, and -- Danish Blue

RIFF-RAFF:
How I savor -- Camembert's flavor
Parmesan's-- also nice
You could have some ilchester
Or some lovely Red Lester

CHEESE DANCERS:
Please have some cheese, Janet Weiss
Please have some cheese, Janet Weiss

CRIMINOLOGIST (JC):
Just pop some cheese in your mouth

CHEESE DANCERS:
Well, now you're doing just grea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eat

CRIMINOLOGIST:
Now, chew it up just like so

CHEESE DANCERS:
And start to saliva-a-ate
Now, guide it down your throa-oa-oa-oat
Now, hey there, isn't that ni-i-i-i-i-ice
You've just had cheese, Janet Weiss
You've just had cheese, Janet Weiss

{The script ends abruptly at this point.  Now piss off.}

[THE END]