AP Script of the 2000 RHS Revival

by

Pamela Gittlitz; a Rocky Horror Idiot Savant [Sarafina1313@go.com]





****NOTE*****
This is just all the lines that I have heard. By no means will this be a complete list. Lines are made up all the time. Some lines may have only been used once, but they are funny nonetheless. As this is an INTERACTIVE show, I have also included some moments of the actors speaking to the audience. Also, I use the name 'Dick' as the narrator, even though there have been numerous ones. He's the original revival narrator and will always have a place in my heart.
Also, some lines yelled to Dick are personalized for him only. If a line doesn't work with a certain narrator or actor, DON'T USE IT. You'd feel like a fool.
Phrases in brackets ( [] ) are actions, phrases in these things ( { " " } ) are call lines.
Questions? Comments? E-mail me at: sarafina1313@iu.zzn.com

Basic Info about the Rocky Horror Show Revival Live:

Played at: Circle in the Square, 50th street, W. of Broadway
Show opened: Nov. 15, 2000
Show closed: Sept. 23, 2001 (mainly due to September 11th)
Show Re-opened: Oct. 30, 2001
Show Re-closed: Jan 6, 2002

Cast List (at time of Closing, and in random order):
Frank- Terrence Mann
Riff Raff/Usher- Sebastian Bach
Magenta/Usherette- Daphne Rubin-Vega
Columbia-Liz Larson
Brad-John Jeffrey Martin
Janet- Kristen Lee Kelly
Eddie/Dr. Scott- Jason Wooten
Narrator- Dick Cavett
Phantoms- Kevin Cahoon, James Stovall, Yassmin Alers, Jon Sharp, Rosa Curry, Matt Morrison
Understudies- John Jeffrey Martin, Jim Orsono, Denise Summerford
**************************************************************************


"THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW LIVE (REVIVAL VERSION)"
by
Richard O'Brien


  	   Pre-Show/Overture

[Phantoms come out as early as 20 minutes before show time and start doing lap-dances and other
interactions with the audience.]

Announcer (Frank): 	Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you virgins in 	the house.
	 	The Rocky Horror Show is about to begin, and aren't you are 	all shivering with antici-pation? I do, however, ask that you 	grant me a few, small, tiny requests: we love your enthusiasm, 	we adore your partici-pation, we worship your very presence in 	the theater; but please, don't throw anything at the cast on 	stage, we bruise easily. Go ahead and throw things, just not 	at us. Also, the taking of photographs is a no-no. The use of 	recording devices: big no-no. And put those beepers and cell-	phones on vibrate, you'll LOVE it. So sing with us, dance with
	us, ROCK OUT with us...this is the Rocky Horror Show!
	{ cheers }

Random Phantoms:	Gimme an "R" { "R!" }
	Gimme an "O" { "O!" }
	Gimme a "C" ( "C!" }
	Gimme a "K" { "K!" }
	Gimme a "Y" { "Y!" }
	What's that spell? { "ROCKY!" }
	What's that spell? { "ROCKY!" }
	(Cheering)

	PROLOGUE

MAGENTA:     Michael Rennie was ill { cheering as Magenta appears }
(As Usherette)  The day the earth stood still
         But he told us where we stand { "on our feet!" }
         And Flash Gordon was there
         In silver { echo "crotchless" } underwear
         Claude rains was the invisible man
	 	{ "how'd you see him?" "She fell for him!" or "outta sight!" }
         Then something went wrong
         For Fay Wray and king { echo "fucking" } Kong
         They got caught in a celluloid jam { "my favourite kind!" }
         Then at a deadly pace
         It came from {echo "It came on" or "I came on" "where?" }
	   	outer space { echo "Janet's Face!" "thank you" }
         And this is how the message ran.

         CHORUS: { clap on the beat }
         Science fiction - double feature
Phantoms do the  Dr X { "sex sex sex" } will build a creature
Ooh etc.     See Androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" } Brad and Janet
         Anne Francis stars in { "deep throat, the sequel to" } forbidden planet
         Oh - at the late night double feature
         Picture show

RIFF RAFF:	I knew Leo G. Carrol { cheers again }
( As Usher )   was over { echo "fucking" } a barrel
         When tarantula took to the hills
         And I got really hot
         When I saw Jeanette Scott { echo "Jen and Scott" }
         Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills
         Dana Andrews said prunes
         Gave him the runes { echo "shits!" }
         And passing them used lots of skills
         But when worlds collide (CLAP! "BOOM!" )
         Said George Pal to his bride
         Give you some terrible thrills
         Like a -

         CHORUS:
         Science fiction - double feature
Phantoms do the  Dr X { "sex sex sex" } will build a creature
Ooh etc.     See Androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" } Brad and Janet
         Anne Francis stars in { "deep throat, the sequel to" } forbidden planet
         Oh - at the late night double feature
         Picture show

USHERETTES:	 I wanna go to the late night double feature Picture show
	 By RKO, at the late night double feature Picture show
	 In the back row
	 { "Fuck the back row!" "Fuck the front row!" "Orgy in the 	middle!"}
	 At the late night double feature { "Rocky Horror!" } Picture show

	( song ends. applause, Usherettes skip off as curtain behind them opens to reveal a movie screen 	displaying a church. Movie plays during next scene.)

         SCENE ONE

         Wedding bells are ringing -
         (Phantom voices: Watch out for the flowers... )

         BRAD and JANET are both
         breathless.

JANET:     Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful { "No!" } - didn't Betty look
        radiantly beautiful { "No!" } - I can't believe it ( cheering )
	  - just an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe { echo "The Ho" } 	  and now she's Mrs. Ralf Hapshatt. { "half-shit!" }

BRAD:	Yes, Janet - Ralf's a lucky guy. ( cheering )

	(people leave the church in the movie behind them. They turn to wave.)

JANET:	Yes.

BRAD:	    Ralf himself will be in line for promotion in a
	year or two. { "If he doesn't fuck her first!" }

JANET:	Yes.

BRAD:	Hey, Janet...

JANET:	Yes, Brad?

BRAD:	I've got something to say { "say it asshole!" }
	I really loved the
	{ "starts with an 's', 'sk-sk'" "skittles?" or "ska music?"} 	skillful way{ "What a fucking genius" }
	You beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet

	(Phantoms)
	The river was deep but I swam it.	(Janet)
	The future is ours so let's plan it.	(Janet)
	So please don't tell me to can it.	(Janet) 	{echo "Shut up" }
	I've one thing to say and that's ...
	Damn it - Janet - I love you. { echo "I wanna screw" }
	(Phantoms)
	The road was long but I ran it.	(Janet)
	There's a fire in my heart and you
	fan it.	(Janet)
	If there's one fool for you then I am it.	(Janet)
	I've one thing to say and that's ...
	Damn it - Janet - I love you. { echo "I wanna screw" }

	Here's a ring to prove I'm no joker
	{ echo "asshole" or "that I play poker" }
	(Bell voices)
	There's three ways that love can grow

PHANTOMS:	How can it grow? How can it grow?

	That's good - bad - or mediocre
	{ echo "That's gay, straight or bisexual" }

PHANTOMS:	That's good - bad - or mediocre

	Oh J-A-N-E-T - (Janet echoed B. backing voices)
	I love you so.

	(Phantoms)
JANET:	Oh it's nicer than Betty Monroe had.	(Oh Brad)
	Now we're engaged and I'm so glad.	(Oh Brad)
	That you've met Mom and you know Dad.	(Oh Brad)
	{ echo "that you fuck mom and you blow dad" }
	I've one thing to say and that's ....
	Brad - I'm mad - for you too.

	Oh Brad.

BRAD:	Oh damn it. { echo "oh shit!" }

JANET:	I'm mad. { echo "I'm pregnant!" }

BRAD:	Oh Janet. { echo "oh shit!" }

JANET:	For you. { echo "It's not yours!" )
	(Phantoms)
BRAD:	I love you too - there's one thing left
	to do... { "Screw!" } and that's....
	Go see the man who began it	(Janet)
	When we met in his science exam
	it	(Janet)
	Made me give you the eye and then
	panic	(Janet)
	Now I've one thing to say and that's ....
	Damn it - Janet - I love you.

	Damn it Janet.

JANET:	Oh Brad I'm mad.

BRAD:	Damn it Janet.

BOTH:	I love you. { echo "I sniff glue." )

	--------------

DICK:	(Dick's speech...then)
	I would like { "You would, would you?" }
	- if I may { "you may not!" } - to take you { "take me!" } on a strange
	journey. { "how strange was it, Dick?" }
	{ "So strange they brought it back for 10 more weeks!"
	 or "So strange they made a play about it!"
	 or "So strange they got 'insert special guest narrator's name here' to
   	narrate!" }

	New people, It's a little like gospel night here at Rocky. { "Amen." }

	It seemed a fairly ordinary night
	When Brad Majors { "asshole!" }

	I remember opening night when I thought that was for me { "It is!" }
	...How many people think this is a fun job? Hands...

	Anyway, I forgot to mention his fiancée' Janet Weiss
	{ "slut!" "Not yet, give her time!" }
	{ "That one's for you, Dick!" }

	Slut, that's for me? Hell, that makes since.
	There was a difficult time in my life when I needed money...

	They were two young ordinary healthy
	kids who left Denton, or Denten that late November evening
	to visit a friend, a Dr. Everett Scott
	{"great Scott!" "holy shit!" "What the fuck?" "Oh crap!"}
	ex tutor and now friend to both of them...
	It's true there were dark storm clouds
	{ "Describe your balls, Dick!"}

	Back here it probably sounded like 'describe your balls'...
	That's what it was. Let me try to explain this, the Rocky people
	know the script perfectly, I mean they're Idiot Savants really --- and
	they can come up with often very witty lines to be used at Rocky Horror
	events and here. This is one of those. I like this one. It makes the next thing said
	funny. Let me show you... It's true there were dark storm clouds
	{ "Describe your balls, Dick!"}
	heavy - black and pendulous
	{ "I said your balls, not Oprah Winfrey's tits!" }
	That little mechanism will be used throughout the show..

	toward which they were driving, is the rest of that sentence.
	It's also true that the spare tire they
	were carrying was badly in need of some air
	{ "like your fucking neck, you neckless fuck!" }...

	How about 'Fuck your necklace?'...
	Charles Gray was mentioned here, another Asterisk--
	Charles Gray plays the narrator in the movie and his chin is like this,
	so he appears to have no neck. And so people shout things like
	'Where's your neck?', 'Who sold you that neck?', 'Put some air in your neck!'
	to have more fun at the movie. This isn't the movie now, is it?...

	- but they being normal kids and on a night out - well - they
	were not going to let a storm spoil the events of
	their evening.

	It was a night out they were going to remember for a
	very - long - time. Ha, ha. Thank you.


	SCENE TWO

	A car approaching through a stormy
	 night.

	CAR STOPS.

	(Phantoms imitate windshield wipers. They stop when they hear the bang)

BRAD:	Hmmm...

JANET:	What's the matter, Brad darling?

BRAD:	I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back.
	We'd better go on ahead up the road and see if we can
	find our way back.

	(They move off)

	BLOWOUT

JANET:	What was that bang? { "gang-bang" }

BRAD:	We seem to have a blow-out in the front left-hand tire.

JANET:	Oh... (pause)

	(LIGHTNING)

BRAD:	You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for
	help.

JANET:	But where will you go? We're in the middle of
	nowhere. { "What's white and sells hamburgers?" }

BRAD:	Didn't we pass a castle a few
	miles back? { cheering } Maybe they have a phone I might use.
	{ "castles don't have phones, asshole!"
	 "Yes they do. They have Princess Phones." }

JANET:	I'm coming with you. { "That'll be a first!" }

BRAD:	There's no point in both of use getting wet. { "Too late!" }

JANET:	I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner
	of the phone may be a beautiful woman, { "he is!" } and you
	may never come back. { "you should be so lucky!" }

BRAD:	Ha Ha Ha.

JANET:	I'm just teasing.

	(Phantoms take up the laughter -
	They exit)

	(put NEWSPAPER or PLAYBILL over head)

	(MUSIC)

JANET:	In the velvet darkness
	of the blackest night
	burning bright { "what's up your ass?" } - there's a guiding star
	{ "that must hurt!" }
	{ "Will you fuck me no matter what?" } no matter what
	{ "Or who I are?" } or who you are.

BRAD & JANET:	There's a light

	( light FLASHLIGHT or LIGHTER until chorus ends. Repeat throughout song. )

ALL:	Over at the Frankenstein place

BRAD & JANET:	There's a light

ALL:	Burning in the fireplace

JANET:	There's a light... Light in the darkness of
	everybody's life.

BRAD:	I can see the flag fly
	I can see the rain
	Just the same - there has got to be
	Something better here - for you and me

BRAD & JANET:	There's a light

ALL:	Burning in the fireplace

BRAD:	There's a light... Light in the darkness of
	everybody's life.

RIFF RAFF:	(appears from admist the phantoms)
	The darkness must go
	Down the river of nights dreaming
	Flow morphia slow let the sun and light
	Come streaming ( streaming ) into my life

ALL:	Into my life

JANET & BRAD:	There's a light

ALL:	Over at the Frankenstein Place

JANET & BRAD:	There's a light

ALL:	Burning in the fireplace
	There's a light - light

JANET & BRAD:	In the darkness of everybody's life.

JANET:	(screams)

BRAD:	It's all right, Janet.

JANET:	Oh Brad let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.

BRAD:	Just a moment, Janet, they may have a telephone.

	(girl phantom stands on stage a la the door and bears her chest)
	{ "try the left knocker!" "Or the right one!"
	"Ding dong, asshole calling, like to buy some asshole cookies?"
	"They taste like Shit!" "They're made from real assholes!"
	or "Riff-o where-o will-o you-o go-o when-o you-o die-o?"
	or "Riff, say 'Jell-O' in Spanish!" }

RIFF RAFF:	(Looking past them as if for others, or someone else) Hello.

BRAD:	Oh: Uh: Ahh: Hi there, we're in a bit of a spot, I
	wonder if could you help us - our car is broken down about
	2 miles back { "Bullshit! You got a flat!" }
	- do you have a phone we might use...

RIFF RAFF:	{ "Look between Janet's legs!" } (pause) You're wet. { "No shit, Sherlock!" }

JANET:	Yes - the rain has been very heavy.

BRAD:	Yes.

RIFF RAFF:	Yes - (lightning) (laughs) I think you better both { "Fuck off!" }
	come inside. { "I don't care where you come as you clean up after" }

JANET:	{ "What's one kind plus one kind?" } You're too kind.

RIFF RAFF:	(mocking) You're too kind!...WAIT HERE!

NARRATOR:	And so - after braving the inclement weather -
	it seemed that fortune had smiled
	on Brad and Janet,
	I mean that in a loving and caring way,
	and that they had found the assistance that their plight required
	 - or had they ? { "Muhahahahaha!" } -
	There was certainly something about this house, to
	which, a flat tire and a wet night had brought them,
	that made the both of them feel a bit uneasy
	[ Dave Holmes added- "also the fact that Sebastian Bach answered the door" ]
	But, if they were to reach their destination
	that night, they would have to ignore such thoughts and
	take advantage of whatever help, ha ha ha ha, was offered.



	SCENE THREE

	Interior DIMLY LIT.


JANET:	(looking around)  Oh Brad what sort of a place is
	this? I'm frightened.

BRAD:	{ "Describe the White House!" }
	It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich
	weirdos { "Yay, rich weirdos!" } - Janet, you're shivering.

JANET:	I'm wet!

BRAD:	Here, take off your sweater.
	Everything will be fine.

	(She smiles)


JANET:	Oh!


	(RIFF RAFF appears with
	COLUMBIA and MAGENTA and phantoms)

BRAD:	Hi, um...if we could use your phone, we'll be moving right along.
	I'm sure you've got a lot of things to do and a great evening planned.

RIFF RAFF:	Oh yes, you've arrived on a very special night. { "Arbour Day!" }
	It's one of the master's affairs. { "Which one?" "All of them!" }

JANET:	Well, lucky old him.

MAGENTA:	He's lucky - I'm lucky - you're lucky
	we're all lucky...

COLUMBIA:	All except Eddie.

RIFF RAFF &
MAGENTA & PHANTOMS:	SSHHH!!!

JANET:	Eddie?

PHANTOMS:	SSHHH!!!

MAGENTA:	The delivery boy.

COLUMBIA:	His delivery wasn't good enough.

RIFF RAFF:	The master only wanted to help the boy better his
	position.

BRAD:	That's very commendable...

RIFF RAFF:	Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went...

JANET:	Went Where?

MAGENTA:	To pieces.

	(MAGENTA, COLUMBIA and RIFF
	RAFF sing)

RIFF RAFF:	It's astounding - Time is fleeting
	Madness takes its toll { "69 cents please" }
	But listen closely {" For how long?" }

MAGENTA:	Not for very much longer.

RIFF RAFF:	I've got to keep control.
	I remember doing the time warp
	Drinking those moments when
	The Blackness would hit me { "Ouch!" } - The void would be
	calling

ALL:	Let's do the Time Warp again (twice)

NARRATOR:	It's just a jump to the left

ALL:	And then a step to the right

NARRATOR:	With your hands on your hips

ALL:	You bring your knees in tight

TRIO:	But it's the pelvic thrust
	That starts to drive you insane

ALL:	Let's do the time warp again (twice)

MAGENTA:	It's so dreamy - oh Fantasy Free Me
	So you can't see me - { "do you douche?" } no not at all
	{ "Where do you fuck?" } In another dimension
	{ "how do you fuck?" } - with voyeuristic intention
	{ "Where are your tits?" } Well secluded -
	{ Flip off Magenta and say "Do you see this?" } I see all
	With a bit of a mind flip - you're there in the
	time slip
	And nothing will ever be the same
	You're spaced out on sensation

MAGENTA & RIFF:    Like you're under sedation

	Let's do the time warp again (twice)

COLUMBIA:	Well I was walking down the street
	Just having a think
	When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
	Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise
	He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes
	Oh - he stared at me and I felt a change
	Time meant nothing - never would again

ALL:	Let's do the time warp again (twice)

	CHORUS REPEAT

	(COLUMBIA plays guitar to half a verse
	of "Time Warp")

RIFF RAFF:	It's just a jump to the left.

MAGENTA:	And then a step to the right.

RIFF RAFF:	Put your hands, on your hips.

MAGENTA:	You bring your knees in nice and tight!




RIFF RAFF:	THRUST!!

ALL:	Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
	Let's do the Time Warp again (twice)

	REPEAT CHORUS.

	(Song ends. Phantoms all fall down.)

JANET:	Wow. That was very nice. Brad can we go now?

BRAD:	Just a moment, Janet. They may have a telephone.

JANET:	This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

BRAD:	They're probably foreigners (all look at him) with ways
	different than our own.
	They may do some more folk-dancing. { echo "Fuck Dancing" }

JANET:	I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!

	(We are aware of FRANK entering - lights COME UP.
	BRAD and JANET whirl around
	see FRANK. Freeze)

FRANK:	How do you do
	I see you've met my faithful handyman { echo "hand-job man" }
	He's just a little brought down
	Because when you knocked { "He rang!" }
	He thought you were the candyman
	Don't get strung out { "like a tampon" }
	by the way that I look { "like a tampon" }
	Don't judge a book by its cover { "Like Moby Dick!" }
	I'm not much of a man
	By the light of day
	But by night I'm one hell of a lover { cheering as cape is removed }

	I'm just a sweet Transvestite
	From Transsexual
	Transylvania.

	Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound
	You look like you're both pretty groovy
	Or if you want something visual that's not too
	abysmal
	We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
	{ "Who the hell is Steve Reeves?" "Hercules." }

BRAD:	I'm glad we caught you at home
	Ah - could we use your phone
	We're both in a bit of a hurry

FRANK:	{ "Left" } Right. { "Left" }

BRAD:	We'll just say where we are
	Then we'll go back to the car, { echo "Then we'll go fuck in the car" }
	We don't want to be any worry.

FRANK:	You got ( CAUGHT ) caught with a flat
	Well { "how about this?" } ( HOW) how about that
	( WELL ) Well babies don't you (PANIC) panic
	By the ( LIGHT ) light of the night
	It'll ( ALL ) all seem alright
	( I'LL ) I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
	( WE'LL GET YOU A MECHANIC )

	I'M JUST A
	SWEET TRANSVESTITE
	FROM TRANSEXUAL
	TRANSYLVANIA

	Why don'tcha stay for the night?  (Phantoms - "night")
	Or maybe a bite	  (Phantoms - "bite")
	I could show you my favourite obsession { "Sex" }
	I've been making a man
	With dark hair and a tan
	and he's good for relieving my... { "sexual" } tension.

	I'M JUST A
	SWEET TRANSVESTITE
	FROM TRANSEXUAL
	TRANSYLVANIA

	{ "What do you like to do in your spare time?" } So
	come up to the lab { "I can't cum that high!" }
	and see what's on the slab
	I see you shiver with antici--
	{ "say it!" or "master!" or "Consti" } pation
	{ "masterpation?" "it's a concept"
	 or "no shit" "That was hard to get out" }
	But maybe the rain
	Is really to blame
	So I'll remove the cause
	{"What about the symptom?" or "what about Homer, Marge, and Maggie?" }
	but not the symptom

	(FRANK exits.)

JANET:	Brad, Brad, Brad! Why was that man wearing PANTYHOSE?

BRAD:	(aside to JANET) Maybe it's Halloween, I haven't noticed. It's all right, 	Janet, everything's gonna be all right we'll just play along for now - and
	we'll pull out the aces when the time is right.

JANET:	This is no time for card tricks, Brad, are you sure
	we'll be alright?

MAGENTA:	No bags.

BRAD:	I'm sure, Janet. (to COLUMBIA, MAGENTA and
	RIFF RAFF)  Uh. Hi, there - I'm Brad Majors { "asshole!" } ,
	this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss { "slut!" "Not yet, give her time!" }
	-- You are...

	(PHANTOMS begin to strip Brad and Janet)
	{ "Show us your aces!" "There's one!" }

COLUMBIA:	You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's
	laboratory, a lot of people would give their right
	arm for the privilege. { "Or their left tit!" }

BRAD:	People like you maybe.

COLUMBIA:	I've seen it. Hello, I live here! { "And it's big!" "and hairy!" }

JANET:	Is he... is Frank... your husband?

RIFF RAFF:	The master is not yet married, nor do I think ever
	will be
	{ "That's b/c you kill him off at the end of...the...show..."
	 or "That's cause he dies at the end"
	 or "Try Vermont!" }
	- we are simply his servants. { echo "sex slaves" }


	SCENE FOUR

	The laboratory.


FRANK:	Unlock a mind - unmind a lock - it's the same as
	the beginning of the end - do you follow?

JANET:	No.

BRAD:	It's an anagram, Janet. { "No, it's a palindrome." }

FRANK:	I wonder may I offer you something refreshing?

BRAD & JANET:	No.

FRANK:	No--You're right I won't! How delightful to have
	fresh faces around { "to sit on!" } . Mmmmmmmm...Magenta - Columbia - go and
	assist Riff Raff - I will entertain - Ahh.

BRAD:	Brad Majors. { "asshole!" }

FRANK:	Brad Majors.

BRAD:	And this is my fiancée Janet Vice. { "slut!" "not yet, give her time!" }

JANET:	Weiss. { "still a slut!" }

FRANK:	Enchante'. { "what's that mean?" }
	How nice { "what's it really mean?" } - and what charming underclothes
	you both have - but here, put these on { "take yours off!" } .

	(He hands them robes)

	It'll make you feel less {"naked" } vulnerable. Same thing! { "same thing!" }
 	We don't often receive visitors here, let alone show them
	hospitality... {echo "horse brutality" }

BRAD:	Hospitality! { "my favourite kind" }
	All we wanted was to use your phone,
	that is a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.

JANET:	Don't be ungrateful, Brad.

BRAD:	Ungrateful!!

FRANK:	How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example
	of manhood - so dominant - you must be very proud,
	Janet.

JANET:	Yes.

FRANK:	Tell me Brad, do you have any tattoos?
	{ "Show him the bear on your ass!" }

BRAD:	Certainly not. { "show him the cock-ring!" }

FRANK:	Oh well... (to JANET) How about you?

	(Enter RIFF RAFF)

RIFF RAFF:	Everything is in readiness master, we merely
	wait for you to give the word.

	{ "or a clap will be fine." }
	(Frank claps)
	{ "that's not a word!" }

FRANK:	Tonight, Brad and Janet, you are about to witness a breakthrough
	in bio-chemical research, and Paradise will be mine...

JANET:	Oh how wonderful for you.

FRANK:	Yes.
	It was strange the way it happened
	one of those quirks of fate really
	one of those moments when...
	Everything looks black, the chips are down
	Your back is against the wall
	You panic - you're trapped - there's no
	way out! And even if there was, it would
	probably be a one way ticket
	to the bottom of the bay. And then
	suddenly: you get a break - all the pieces
	seem to fit into place - what a sucker
	you'd been - what a fool - the answer
	was there all the time - it took a small
	accident to make it happen.
	{ "a what?" or "What did your mother call you at birth?" }

	A Fucking accident!
	That's how I discovered the
	secret - that elusive ingredient - that
	{ "who gives the best head on Star Trek?"
	 or "Who gives the best head on the Starship Enterprise?" etc. }
	spark that is the breath of life.
	{ "do you know about anal sex?" } Yes - I have that knowledge. I
	hold the key {"to life?"} to life { "itself?" } itself { "awesome" }
	you see Brad and Janet you are fortunate for tonight is the night
	my beautiful creature is destined to be born... { echo "fucked" }
	Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator
	and then step the reactor power input up three
	more points...

	( During above speech, Rocky is wheeled out and attached to a ring hanging from the ceiling)

JANET:	Brad!!

BRAD:	It's alright, Janet.

FRANK:	Tubes!

JANET:	Brad!!

BRAD:	It's alright, Janet.

FRANK:	Hoist! ( Rocky is hoisted into the air)

JANET:	Brad!!

BRAD:	It's alright, Janet!

FRANK:	LIFE!!!!!

	(Rocky is born. He starts singing)

ROCKY:	Oh, The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head
	And I've got the feeling someone's
	Going to be cutting the thread
	Oh woe is me - my life is a misery { echo "I look like a Christmas tree" }
	Oh can't you see that I'm at the start
	of a pretty big downer

	I woke up this morning with a start when
	I fell out of the bed.

ALL:	That ain't no crime.

ROCKY:	And left from my dreaming was a feeling
	of unnamable dread.

ALL:	That ain't no crime.
	My high is low ( Rocky is lowered to the floor and set free)
	- I'm dressed up with no place
	to go and all I know is I'm at the
	start of a pretty big downer.

ROCKY:	(That ain't no crime)
	Oh no no no no

ALL:	(Sha la la la that ain't no crime)

ROCKY:	(That ain't no crime)
	Oh no no no no

ALL:	(Sha la la la that ain't no crime)
	(That ain't no crime)

NARRATOR:	Rocky Horror you need peace of mind
	I want to tell you that you're doing just fine
	You're the product of another time and
	feeling down well that's no crime.

	( During rest of song, Rocky is tempted with a giant lollipop and
	a Tinky-Winky doll. He chases after Tinky and the song ends when
	he is sitting in Frank's lap holding the doll triumphantly.)

ALL:	That ain't no crime.

ROCKY:	The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head

ALL:	That ain't no crime.

ROCKY:	And I've got the feeling someone's going
	be cutting the thread.

ALL:	That ain't no crime.

ROCKY:	Oh woe is me - my life is a mystery
	{ echo "oh woe is me, some weird guy is chasing me" }
	Oh can't you see that I'm at the start
	of a pretty big downer.
	(That ain't no crime)
	Oh no no no no
	(Sha la la la that ain't no crime)

FRANK:	Well really - that's no way to behave on your
	first day out. { "of the closet!" }

ROCKY:	Well nobody's perfect { "you are!" } - But I do think
	you made a pretty good job of the body work though.

FRANK:	You are the result of many hours of toil - and now
	my beautiful creature you're ready for the ultimate
	test.

ROCKY:	Oh dear.

FRANK:	But first meet the family, Riff Raff, what do you think?

RIFF RAFF:	He's a credit to my gen... your genius.

FRANK:	Magenta?

MAGENTA:	A triumph of the will.

FRANK:	And what do you think, Columbia?

COLUMBIA:	He's okay. { "now you're screwed!" or "now you're fucked!" }

FRANK:	OK? { "Hey Frank, what do you think of George Bush?" }
	I'm sure we can do better than that!
	{ "ask ken and Barbie!" } Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think?

JANET:	{ "Lie, bitch, lie!" }
	I don't like men with too many muscles.
	{ "just one big one!" "And Brad is staring at it right now!" }

FRANK:	I didn't make him for YOU. { "But she gets him anyway!" }
	He carries the Charles Atlas seal of
	approval - { make seal noises or "Where is it?" }
	Maestro!
	{ "describe Calista Flockhart" }
	A weakling weighing 98 pounds
	{ "that's two Calista Flockharts!" "And Pee-Wee Herman!" }
	Got sand in his face when kicked to the
	ground
	And soon in the gym { "how do you give a blow job?" }
	With a determined chin { "what do you want to lick?" }
	The sweat from his pores
	As he works for his cause { echo "As he fucks Santa Claus" }
	Will make him glisten
	{ "what's the worst fucking toothpaste ever?" } and gleam
	And with massage and just a little bit of steam
	He'll be pink, and quite clean
	He'll be a strong man

ALL:	But the wrong man

FRANK:	He'll eat nutritious { "cum" } High-Protein { "cum" }
	And swallow raw eggs { "Eww! raw eggs!" }
	Try to build up his shoulders,
	His chest, arms and his legs
	Such an effort I just can't understand

ALL:	In just seven days { "and seven long nights!" } I can make you a man.

FRANK:	He'll do press ups and chin ups
	The Snatch Clean and jerk.
	Thinks dynamic tension must be hard work
	Such strenuous living, I just can't understand

ALL:	In just seven days I can make you a man.

	(Eddie bursts through the wall)

COLUMBIA:	Eddie!

EDDIE:	Whatever happened to Saturday night
	When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright
	It don't seem the same since cosmic light
	Came into my life and I thought I was divine
	I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go
	And listen to the music on the radio
	A saxophone was blowing on a Rock and Roll Show
	And you climbed in the back and you really had
	A good time

ALL:	Hot Patootie bless my soul
	I really love that Rock and Roll (four times)

EDDIE:	My head used to swim from the perfume I smelt
	My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
	I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when
	I'd melt
	And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was
	mine
	Get back in front and put some hair oil on
	Buddy Holly was singing his very last song
	With your arm round your girl you'd try to
	sing along
	You felt pretty good cause you'd really had
	A good time.

ALL:	Hot Patootie bless my soul
	I really love that Rock and Roll. (Repeat 8 times)

	(EDDIE gets killed by Frank with a chain saw.)

FRANK:	One from the vaults.

	(Columbia screams, until Frank quiets her.)

ROCKY:	Why was she screaming? That guy was really very ugly.

FRANK:	He had a certain naive charm
	But no muscle
	We had a mental relationship -
	{ "what do you like to lick?" } But! a deltoid ( deltoid )
	and a bicep ( and a bicep )
	A hot groin ( hot groin ) and a tricep ( and a tricep )
	Makes me shake ( a deltoid and a bicep and a hot groin and a tricep )
	Makes me want to take
	Charles Atlas by the hand.

ALL:	In just seven days I can make you a man.

FRANK:	I don't want no dissention ( sension )
	Just dynamic tension ( tension )

JANET:	I'm a muscle fan.

ALL:	In just seven days I can make you a man.

FRANK:	Dig it if you can.

ALL:	In just seven days I can make you a man.

	(Rocky and Frank get married.
	Frank throws bouquet to Janet.)

FRANK:	(before throwing bouquet) Hey, Janet!

	ACT II

PHANTOMS/RIFF RAFF:	There's a light
	Over at the Frankenstein Place
	There's a light
	Burning in the fireplace
	There's a light, light...

RIFF RAFF:	In the darkness of everybody's life.

NARRATOR:	(Dick does a long speech then...)
	There are those who say that life is an illusion -
	{ "life is an illusion!" }
	And reality as we know it, is merely a figment of
	our imagination. If this is so, then Brad and Janet are
	quite safe. But - there are some who have a far
	more physical philosophy - those who would stop at
	nothing to satisfy their base desires -
	It could be that Brad and Janet are among those who
	hold the devil's reins.




	SCENE FIVE

	"JANET'S ROOM"

	Voices in BLACKOUT.


JANET'S:	Oh Brad - Oh yes - Yes my darling -
	What if..

BRAD'S:	It's all right Janet - everything's going to be all
	right.

JANET'S:	Oh I hope so my darling. I'm so fri...

	(Lights UP)

	You!

FRANK:	I'm afraid so Janet
	(snaps off condom and throws it behind him) but wasn't it nice...

JANET:	You beast - you monster - what have you done with
	Brad?

FRANK:	Mmm - nothing { "yet!" } - why, do you think I should?

JANET:	You tricked me - I wouldn't have - I've never -
	never.

FRANK:	I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? { "It wasn't all Brad either!" }
	Not really even half bad { "or half brad" } - in fact, I think perhaps
	you found it quite - pleasurable - Mmm - so soft
	so - sensual.

JANET:	Ahh - no - stop - I mean help - I - Brad - Ohhhh -
	Brad.

FRANK:	Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now - do you
	want him to see you like this.

JANET:	Like this? Like how?

FRANK:	Like THIS!

JANET:	It's your fault you're to
	blame... I was - saving my self. { "For what? A rainy day?" }

FRANK:	Well I'm sure you're not spent yet, and it was a
	pleasurable experience was it not?

	(Lights DIM)

	You did like it didn't you. There's no crime in
	giving yourself over to pleasure - is there? { "Except in NJ!" }
	We're not in FUCKING New Jersey!

JANET:	Who are you talking to?

FRANK:	Nobody...We could try for an action replay - Oh Janet
	you've wasted so much time already - Brad needn't
	know. I won't tell him, Mmmm.

	(BLACKOUT)

JANET:	Are you sure you won't tell him. Ohhh...




	SCENE SIX

	"BRAD'S ROOM"

	Voices in BLACKOUT.


JANET'S:	Oh Brad - Oh yet - Yes my darling.

BRAD'S:	It's all right Janet everything's going to be all
	right.

JANET'S:	I hope so my darling.

	(Lights UP)

BRAD:	You!

FRANK:	I'm afraid so Brad -
	(snaps off condom and throws it behind him) but wasn't it nice?

BRAD:	Why you - What have you done with Janet?

FRANK:	Mmm - nothing { "liar!" } - why, do you think I should?

BRAD:	You tricked me, I wouldn't have - I've never -
	never.

FRANK:	I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? { "It was all Brad" } Not really
	even half bad, in fact, I think you found it quite
	pleasurable - Oh so soft - so sensual.

BRAD:	Ah. No - stop. I mean - Janet - Ohh Janet.

FRANK:	Shhh - Janet's probably asleep by now - Do you
	want her to see you like this?

BRAD:	Like this - Like how -

FRANK:	Like THIS!

BRAD:	It's your fault. You're
	to blame - I thought it was the real thing. { "It was!" }

FRANK:	Oh Brad admit it. It
	was enjoyable wasn't it? You liked it didn't you?
	There's no crime in giving yourself over to
	pleasure - is there?

	(Lights DIM)

	We could try for an action replay. Oh Brad you've
	wasted so much time already - Janet needn't know.
	I won't tell her - Mmm...

	(Blackout)

BRAD:	Are you sure you won't tell her - Ohhh...

RIFF RAFF:	(on TV monitor) Master - The laboratory is empty.
	Rocky is loose and somewhere in the building.

FRANK:	Oh - Wow - What a big- Mmm - Oh - Coming! { "So's Brad!" }


	SCENE SEVEN

	Laboratory. Enter JANET.


JANET:	What's happening here? { "sex" }
	- Where's Brad? { "having sex" }
	- Where's anybody? { "having sex" }
	If only we hadn't made this journey { "But you did!" }
	- if only the car hadn't broken down { "But it did!" }
	- if only we were amongst friends or sane persons. { "but you're not!" }

NARRATOR:	"If" and "only" - two small words - words that kept
	repeating themselves again and again in Janet's
	thoughts - but it was too late to go back now - it
	were as if she were riding a giant tidal wave, it
	would be folly to fight against it - her only chance
	would be to ride it out - adapt - and perhaps also -
	survive.

	(Enter ROCKY)

ROCKY:	Oh! It's you - look I'm trying to hide from my
	creator and his minion - they scare me - I feel
	that all is not well here. I have been thinking a
	lot { "don't hurt yourself!"}

JANET:	Wow.

ROCKY:	- about Eddie

PHANTOMS:	Ssh!

ROCKY:	I have a feeling of { "what's a yacht for?" } foreboding.

JANET:	It's all like some terrible dream isn't it? (plays with Rocky) Wacka-wacka-woo!

ROCKY:	Is it true you don't like men with too many muscles?

JANET:	Well...
	I'm engaged to Brad, just the same as Betty Monroe was
	to Ralf Hapshatt. But Frank's kisses overwhelmed
	me with an ecstasy I had never dreamed of before -
	hot burning kisses - I could see Brad's face before
	me, and my mind screamed - No!! - but my lips (starts to hump railing)
	they were hungry, they were too hungry - I wanted to be loved,
	and loved completely - my body throbbed excitedly -
	Oh Brad, Brad my darling how could I have done
	this to you.

ROCKY:	This room is a womb to me.

JANET:	Yes - there you see, it's instinctive - you returned
	here for one thing - security. Oh where's Brad -

	(She fiddles with TV remote)

	What have they done with him?

NARRATOR:	Janet's feelings ran wild as she frantically manipu-
	lated the remote control for the TV monitor - The
	screen threw up images of empty rooms and corridors -
	and suddenly and finally she stopped - at Frank's bedroom.
	(sees FRANK andBRAD smoking) Aaahhh!!

ROCKY:	Oh you can't rely on anyone.

JANET:	Oh Brad! - how could you? { "you told me you'd quit!" }

NARRATOR:	See, she didn't know that he smoked.
	If one is suffering the pangs of remorse for a
	sexual indiscretion - it would seem logical that the
	transgressor would be sympathetic toward a loved
	one caught in a similar misdemeanor, know what I'm saying?
	{ "Word!" }
	Yo! - But emotion is an irrational and powerful master and there
	seemed little doubt that Janet was indeed { "a slut" } its slave.

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA:	Tell us about it, Janet.

JANET:	I was feeling done in
	Couldn't win
	I'd only ever kissed before

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA:	You mean she only ever?

JANET:	YES! I thought there's no use getting { "Fucked!" }
	into heavy petting
	It only leads to trouble
	And seat wetting. { "hey, my seat's wet." }

	Now all I want to know
	Is how to go - hi-yah!
	I've tasted blood { echo "cum" } and I want more

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA:	More, more, more

JANET:	I'll put up no resistance
	I want to stay the distance
	I've got an itch to scratch
	And I need assistance

CHORUS:	Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a - Touch me.
	I want to be dirty
	Thrill me chill me fulfil me
	Creature of the night.

	Then if anything grows
	When you pose
	I'll oil you up and rub you down

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA:	Down, down down

JANET:	And that's just one small fraction
	Of the main attraction
	You need a friendly hand
	And I need action.

	REPEATS.

	(CHORUS. After Janet has sung it at least once
	by herself, then, with Phantoms
	and sings it against Touch-a Touch-a etc.)

	BLACKOUT



	SCENE EIGHT


RIFF RAFF:	Aaaggghhh - Mercy, master, mercy!

FRANK:	(with whip) How did it happen - I understood you
	were to be watching.

RIFF RAFF:	I was only away for a moment, Master. { "bating" }

FRANK:	See if you can find him on the monitor.

	(Click - Brad's empty room -
	switch - switch - switch -
	Janet's room)

FRANK:	Oh Rocky.

RIFF RAFF:	I've located him with the female, master.

FRANK:	Rocky!! I think I'm going to--

RIFF RAFF:	...faint.

BRAD:	Janet!! How could she? That's it - it's over.

NARRATOR:	Over! What was over? { "your career!"}
	That was 45 minutes ago, asshole.
	Not the night that was
	certain. Brad and Janet's engagement? Their love
	for one another? Who could say - for questions such
	as these are not to be answered by the academic
	they must be left for the heart to solve and Brad
	you may be sure, had plenty of heart.
	{ "You gotta have heart!" }

BRAD:	Once in a while
	She don't want to call you { "Try 1-800-COLLECT!" }
	Speaking on the telephone
	And once in your life
	She won't want to know you ( "Fuck her, dump her!" )
	You look around
	The one you found she is gone

	(3 phantoms emerged dressed as Janet)

	So baby don't cry
	Like there's no tomorrow
	After the night there's brand new day
	And there'll be no pain
	And no more sorrow
	So wash your face
	And phone my place. It'll be okay.

	And that's all the time (that's all the time)
	That it takes (that it takes)
	For a heart to beat again
	So give me a sign (give me a sign)
	That a lover makes (that a lover makes)
	You look around the one you (you look around, the one you found)
	Found is back again...

	(remove Janet wigs and dresses revealing a Frank costume)

PHANTOMS:	I'm back again! I'm back again! I'm back again!

BRAD:	And that's all the time (a hot groin and a bicep)
	That it takes (Deltoid and a tricep)
	For a heart to turn to stone (I'm gonna make you a man)
	The sweeter the wine (I'm gonna make you, make you a man)
	The harder to make the break (You look around)
	You hear something (The one you found, she is gone)
	About someone you thought you'd known (She is gone)

PHANTOMS:	She's gone! Yes she's gone!
	She don't want to know you.
	She is gone...

BRAD:	I should have { "Checked my spare tire!" } known.

FRANK:	Stop it! - how pathetic - how maudlin - Your baggage has
	defiled my beautiful creature - oh Rocky
	how could you!

	(Static - on monitor - outside -
	a figure creeping toward hidden
	camera)

RIFF RAFF:	Master - we have a visitor.

FRANK:	Oh, shit.

BRAD:	Scott - Scotty - Dr. Everett Scott.

RIFF RAFF:	You know this earth -

FRANK:	( to RIFF} Ssh! ( to BRAD) This person?

BRAD:	Yes, I do he's an old friend of mine.

FRANK:	I see - so this wasn't simply a chance meeting -
	you came here with a purpose. { "a porpoise?" }

BRAD:	{ "My Dolphin broke down outside." )
	That's not true - my car broke down - I told you that.

FRANK:	I know what you told me, Brad - but this Dr.
	Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me.
	{ "It's Dr. Everett Scott." }

BRAD:	He was a science teacher at Denton High.

FRANK:	And he now works for your Government -
	doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau
	of the investigation of that which you call
	U.F.O's - that's right, isn't it, Brad? { "No, that's Mulder and Scully" }

BRAD:	He might be - I don't know.

RIFF RAFF:	The intruder is entering the building, Master.

FRANK:	Let's make this a social occasion!
	Riff Raff, find Rocky and Janet.
	Magenta, Seal off all doors and all exits and bring Dr. Scott
	to the laboratory!



	SCENE NINE

	Enter DOCTOR SCOTT in wheelchair
	COLUMBIA pushing him.

BRAD:	Dr. Scott!

SCOTTY:	Brad - what are you doing here?

FRANK:	Don't play games, Dr. Scott. It was part of your
	plan, was it not, that Brad Majors and his female
	should check the layout for you - unfortunately for
	you all there is to be a change of plans - I'm sure
	you're adaptable, Dr. Scott - I know Brad is.
	{ "You promised you wouldn't tell!" }

SCOTTY:	I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes
	as a complete surprise to me. As does the set up
	you have here - I didn't expect it to be quite so...

FRANK:	Sophisticated - Dr. Scott? Or should I say Dr. Von
	Scott? { "Zeig Heil!" }

BRAD:	What exactly are you implying? { "That he's a nazi" }

SCOTTY:	Zey can't prove nothink! I mean, I don't know...
	Ah - that machine there...

BRAD:	What do you think it is, Doc?

SCOTTY:	At this precise moment, Brad, it's hard to tell - but it
	seems to be made of a metal that is not of this earth
	- I would say from another planet.

	(Doors OPEN. JANET and ROCKY tumble out)

JANET:	Brad!

SCOTTY:	Janet!

FRANK:	Rocky!

JANET:	Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" }

JANET:	Brad!

SCOTTY:	Janet!

FRANK:	Rocky!

JANET:	Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" }

JANET:	Brad!

SCOTTY:	Janet!

FRANK:	Rocky!

JANET:	Dr. Scott! { echo "Bullwinkle!" }

FRANK:	Rocky! oh, Rocky, oh Rocky!

ROCKY:	Piss off! { "Oooohhhhh!" }

FRANK:	Listen - I made you and I can break you just as
	easily - so pull your tiny plug out
	{ "It doesn't look tiny from here!" }
	Shut up.

SCOTTY:	I suppose you intend to do with us as you did with
	Eddie.

PHANTOMS:	Ssh!

COLUMBIA:	Eddie!

PHANTOMS:	Sshhh.

BRAD:	Eddie!

PHANTOMS:	Ssh!

BRAD:	I've seen him, he looks terrible.

FRANK:	What do you know of Eddie, (Ssh!) Dr. Scott?

SCOTTY:	I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things -
	{ "Except how to walk!" } --Fuck you!--
	you see Eddie happens to be my nephew.

BRAD:	Dr. Scott!

SCOTTY:	Yes, Brad - my sister's boy. I knew he was in with
	a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined { "at first" } - aliens.

BRAD:	Tell them, Doc.

SCOTTY:	From the day he was born, { "Not the night, but the day" }
	he was trouble { "not monopoly, but trouble" }
	He was the thorn { "not the rose, but the thorn" }
	in his mother's side. { "not her ass, but her side" }
	She tried in vain, { "not the artery, but the vain" }

NARRATOR:	But he never caused her nothing but pain.

FRANK:	That's right, Dicky. (does a high-five with him)

SCOTTY:	He left home the day she died.
	From the day she was gone
	All he wanted
	Was a rock and roll porn and a motor bike. { "Vroom, Vroom" }
	Shootin' up junk,

NARRATOR:	He was a low down cheap little punk. { "Yay punk!" }

SCOTTY:	Taking everyone for a ride.

CHORUS:	When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy,
	You knew he was a no good kid.
	When he threatened your life with a switch blade knife,

FRANK:	What a guy.

JANET:	Made you cry.

SCOTTY:	And I did.

COLUMBIA:	Everybody shoved him.
	I very nearly loved him.
	I say hey listen to me
	Stay sane inside insanity.
	But he shut the door and threw away the key.

SCOTTY:	But he must have been drawn in to something.
	Making him warn me in a note which read

ALL:	What's it say, What's it say.

SCOTTY:	I'm out of my head.
	Hurry or I may be dead.
	They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.

	Chorus

	(Repeat)

FRANK:	What a guy,

JANET:	Made you cry,

SCOTTY:	And I did.

	(Repeat)

	(Riff Raff emerges with Eddie's head on a plate)

ALL:	Eddie!

	(Riff gives plate to Magenta, then grabs a gummy worm off plate, eats it)

FRANK:	Clever girl.

MAGENTA:	I'll throw it down the waste disposal...

BRAD:	Why you...

FRANK:	(Flicks a switch) There, that should restrain you all.

JANET:	My feet - there's something wrong with my feet.

SCOTTY:	My wheels! Mien Gott, I can't move my wheels.

BRAD:	It's as if we were glued to the spot.

FRANK:	You are, so quake with fear you tiny fools You're going to do a floor
	show - which I shall direct.- { "Frank, do you want to fuck later?" }
	O.K. it's star time - Riff Raff set the sonic transducer on
	program 8 secure all levels at zero -

MAGENTA:	Relax.

SCOTTY:	You won't find earth people quite the easy targets that
	you have imagined. This sonic transducer, it is I suppose
	some type of audio vibratory physiomolecular
	transport device!

FRANK:	You'd better believe it, baby.

BRAD:	You mean...?

SCOTTY:	Yes, Brad - it's something we ourselves have been
	working on. But it seems our friend here has found
	a way of perfecting it - a device that is capable of
	breaking down solid matter and then projecting it
	through space and who knows, perhaps even time itself.

JANET:	You're going to send us to another planet?

FRANK:	Planet - Shmanet Janet
	Tell you once
	Won't tell you twice
	You'd better wise up Janet Weiss

	Y'apple pie
	Don't taste too nice { "It was peach cobbler!" }
	You'd better wise up Janet Weiss

	I've laid the seed
	It should be all you need
	You're as sensual
	As a pencil
	Wound up like an 'E' or first string
	When we made it Did ya hear a bell ring?

	Y' got a block
	Take my advice
	You'd better wise up Janet Weiss

	The transducer
	Will seduce ya
	It's something you'll get used to
	A mental mind-fuck can be nice

	You'd better wise up - Janet Weiss
	You'd better wise up
	Build your thighs up
	You'd better wise up

NARRATOR:	And then she cries out.

JANET:	Stop!!

FRANK:	Don't get hot and flustered
	Use a bit of mustard.

ALL
(Voices building)	*You're a { echo "shove a" } hot dog { "up your" }
	But you'd better not try to hurt her
	Frank Furter

	(* This keeps repeating and one by one they
	are released by FRANK signaling MAGENTA
	to pull the switch - in turn they make for
	FRANK and are sprayed by RIFF RAFF and
	become drugged. He rushes them into the transducer
	entrance)

	(MAGENTA keeps singing
	after everyone else has stopped)

FRANK:	Magenta, relax.

	(FRANK sprays her)

MAGENTA:	Don't cry for me... (falls down, RIFF goes to comfort her)

FRANK:	Columbia - The artistes are in a molecular
	state somewhere between entrance and exit.
	 When they've pulled
	themselves together - see that they are
	prepared for the floorshow.

COLUMBIA:	That's it! I can't take anymore of this!
	First you ditch me for Eddie, then you toss him off
	as an old overcoat for Rocky! { "He was too heavy!" }
	You chew people up
	and you spit them back out again!
	{ "doesn't anyone swallow anymore?" }
	I loved you, you know that? I loved you.
	And what did it get me? Let me tell you, a big fat nothing!
	{ "at least it was a BIG nothing" }
	You are like a sponge. You take, take, take and you
	drain others of their affections. Well, that's it,
	I've had it. I am outta here, and I am--
	(FRANK sprays her) Oh Wow - I am so fucked up!
	Hey Frankie, it's your birthday, it's your birthday-
	not really. Hey, I think I'm gonna split!
	Hey, what happened to my other leg? Oh, there it is!
	I would've tapped dance up the stairs, but I'm a-Fred Astaires!
	Aah! Papa, can you hear me?
	Bye!

FRANK:	It's not easy having a good time - even smiling
	makes my face ache
	{ "Bullshit! that was from the blow job you just gave Brad!" }
	- and my children turn on me - { "Your children turn you on!" }
	Rocky's behaving just as Eddie did - maybe
	I made a mistake in splitting his brain between the
	two of them?

MAGENTA:	When do we return to Transylvania? { "As you as you find moose and squirrel" }
	- I grow { "spit it out" } w-w-weary of this world.

FRANK:	Magenta I am indeed grateful to both you and your
	brother Riff Raff - you have both served me well -
	loyalty such as yours must be rewarded, and you
	will discover that when the mood takes me, I can
	be quite generous. { "how much do you charge for a blow job?" }

MAGENTA:	I ask for nothing.
	{ "I'll take two!" or "shorter than 12 inches" }

FRANK:	And you shall receive it { "Where do buns go to dance?" }
	in abundance -
	{ "Hey Frank, what do you like on your cornflakes?"
	 or "Frank, what do you use to keep your hair so white?"
	 or "What do they put in the Frappicinos at Starbucks?" }
	come - our guests will be growing restless. (exits)

	(MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF look
	at one another - they make an
	extraterrestrial sign. EXIT)

NARRATOR:	And so, by some extraordinary coincidence - fate
	it seems had decided that Brad and Janet should
	keep that appointment with their friend Dr. Everett
	Scott. But, it was to be in a situation which none
	of them could have possibly foreseen - And, just a
	few hours after announcing their engagement Brad
	and Janet had both tasted forbidden fruit { "kumquats!" } - This in
	itself was proof that their host was a man of little
	morals and some { "gay" } persuasion -

	What further indignities were they to be subjected
	to... ? { "the dick Cavett show!" }

	I fail to see the humour. I see you though, honey,
	and I'm going to bitch-slap you to the curb.
	Where did Dick Cavett learn language like that?

	 - And what of the sonic transducer and the
	floorshow that had been spoken of? - What indeed? -
	From what had gone before it was clear that this
	was to be no picnic. { "But I brought the ants!" }



	SCENE TEN


COLUMBIA:	It was great
	When it all began
	I was a regular Franky Fan
	But it was over when he had the plan
	To start working on a muscle-man
	Now the only thing that gives me hope
	Is my love of a certain dope
	Rose tints my world keeps me
	Safe from my trouble and pain.

ROCKY:	I'm just seven hours old
	Truly beautiful to behold
	And somebody should be told
	My libido hasn't been controlled
	Now the only thing I've come to trust
	Is an orgasmic rush of lust
	Rose tints my world keeps me
	Safe from my trouble and pain.

BRAD:	It's beyond me
	Help me mommy
	I'll be good you'll see
	Take this dream away
	What's this, { "The Floor!" [Brad is looking down] } let's see
	I feel sexy
	What's come over me
	Here it comes again

JANET:	I feel released
	Bad times deceased
	My confidence has increased { "where is reality?" }
	Reality is here
	The game has been disbanded
	My mind has been expanded
	It's a gas that Frankie's landed
	His lust is so sincere

FRANK:	What ever happened to Fay Wray { "she went ape shit!" }
	That delicate satin draped frame { "It was polyester!" }
	As it clung to her thigh { "What? the ape shit?" }
	How I started to cry
	{"I'd cry too, if I had ape shit on my thigh" }
	For I wanted to be dressed
	{ "Like Britney Spears" or "Like Miss Cleo"
	 or "Like Rum Tum Tugger in a ball gown" etc.}
	just the same.

	Give yourself over to absolute pleasure { echo "Vodka" }
	Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh
	Erotic nightmares { "How long is your dick?" } beyond any measure
	And sensual daydreams to treasure forever -
	Can't you just see it.

	{ "Pay attention! This is the moral!" }
	Don't dream it - Be it

	Don't dream it - Be it

	Don't dream it - Be it

	(This continues fading slowly and
	through this comes Scotty's
	thoughts - as he sings, the blanket
	reveals his stocking-clad legs)

SCOTTY:	Hmm.. We've got to get out of this trap
	Before this decadence saps our wills { "our wheels?" }
	I've got to be strong and try to hang on
	Or my mind may well snap
	And my life will be lived for the thrills

BRAD:	It's beyond me
	Help me mommy

JANET:	God bless Lilly St. Cyr.

	{ "Whose show is this..14 times?" or
	 "Hey Frank, say 'my' 14 times" }
FRANK:	(screaming) MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY MY

	I'm a wild and an untamed thing
	I'm a bee with a deadly sting
	Get a hit, and your mind goes ping
	Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing
	So let the party and the sounds rock on
	Gonna shake it till the life has gone
	Rose tint my world
	Keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

	(They all sing "We're a wild and
	an untamed thing" - right through
	twice.

	RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA enter
	dressed in extraterrestrial
	national costume)

RIFF RAFF:	Frank n Furter
	It's all over
	Your mission is a failure
	Your life style's too extreme
	I'm your new commander
	You now are my prisoner
	We return to Transylvania
	Prepare the transit beam.

	(ALL freeze)

	{ "what did your mom say when she caught you fucking a gerbil?" }
FRANK:	Wait - I can explain
	{ "It better be good, last time you got shot!" }

	(He is left alone)

	On the day I went away

ALL:	Goodbye { echo "Kom-by-ya!" }

FRANK:	Was all I had to say

ALL:	Now I { echo "Kom-by-ya!" }

FRANK:	Want to come again { "So does Brad" or "And again and again" } and stay

ALL:	Oh my { echo "Kom-by-ya!" }

FRANK:	Smile and that will mean I may

	I've seen blue skies
	Through the tears
	{ "Where do you shoot Heroin?" } in my eyes { "that must hurt" }
	And I realize I'm going home

	{ "Where do you masturbate?" or "where do you fuck?" }
	Everywhere it's been the same

ALL:	Feeling

FRANK:	( "What's it like when I pee on your face?" ) Like I'm outside in the pouring rain

ALL:	Wheeling

FRANK:	Free to try and find a game

ALL:	Dealing

FRANK:	Cards for sorrow cards for pain

	I've seen blue skies
	Through the tears in my eyes
	And I realize - I'm going home
	I'm going home
	I'm going home




	SCENE ELEVEN


MAGENTA:	How sentimental. { "you bitch!" }

RIFF RAFF:	And also presumptuous of you - you see when I said
	`we' were to return I referred only to Magenta and
	myself - I'm sorry however if you found my words
	misleading - you see you are to remain here - in
	spirit anyway -

	(phantoms reveal a giant laser)

SCOTTY:	Thank heavens! - that's a laser.

RIFF RAFF:	Yes, Dr. Scott, a laser capable of emitting a beam
	of pure anti-matter.

BRAD:	You mean you're going to kill him? - What's his crime?

FRANK:	Oh Brad.

SCOTTY:	You saw what became of Eddie - Society must
	be protected.

RIFF RAFF:	Exactly, Dr Scott - Now Frank-n-Furter, your time
	has come { "Even time comes in this!" }
	- say goodbye to all this { "good-bye all of this!" }
	 - and hello { "Hello" } to oblivion.
	{" hello oblivion, how's the wife and kids?"
	"The wife is fine, the kids are great!" }

FRANK:	Do your worst - inferior one.

COLUMBIA:	No!! No!!

FRANK:	You did this for me? Silly bitch!

	(She throws herself between
	RIFF RAFF and FRANK - BLATTT -
	She and FRANK are both killed.

	ROCKY bellows and beats his chest,
	picks up FRANK. RIFF RAFF fires
	again and again until finally ROCKY
	dies. Spectacularly)

BRAD:	Good God.

RIFF RAFF:	Yes.

JANET:	You've killed them.

MAGENTA:	I thought you liked them - they liked you.

RIFF RAFF:	(screams) They didn't like me { "You're getting paranoid, Riff!" }
	- They never liked me. { "I like you" }
	You saw the way things were - the way they were going

SCOTTY:	You did right. (RIFF points laser at SCOTTY) ...Shit!

RIFF RAFF:	A decision had to be made.

SCOTTY:	O.K. by me.

RIFF RAFF:	I'm sorry about your nephew, Dr. Scott.

SCOTTY:	Yes - perhaps it's for the best.

RIFF RAFF:	You should leave now, Dr. Scott
	While it is still possible
	We are about to beam the entire house
	Back to the planet of transsexual
	In the galaxy of Transylvania { "in the state of NJ" }
	Go now - { "Does this mean we can't use your phone?" }

	(RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA look at one
	another)
	Our noble mission is almost completed,
	my most beautiful sister. And soon we
	shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet!

MAGENTA:	Oh sweet Transsexual! Land of night, to sing and dance
	once more to your dark refrain.
	To take that step to the right.

RIFF RAFF:	But it's the pelvic thrust-

MAGENTA:	That really drives you insane.
	And our world will do the time warp again.

RIFF RAFF:	Activate the transit crystal!

BRAD:	I've done a lot { "of gay sex" or "of drugs" }
	God knows I've tried { "gay sex" or "drugs" }
	To find the truth { "about gay sex" or "about drugs" }
	I've even lied { "About gay sex" or "about drugs" }
	But all I know { "about gay sex" or "about drugs" }
	Is down inside

ALL:	I'm bleeding

JANET:	And super heroes
	Come to feast
	To taste the flesh
	Not yet deceased
	And all I know
	Is still the beast

ALL:	Is feeding

	Ahh Ahh etc. ...

	(Chant)

NARRATOR:	And crawling on
	{ "where's the planet's nose?" } the planet's face
	{ "what have you been eating?" } Some insects called
	the human race
	{ "Where's your career?" } Lost in time
	{ "What's your favourite TV show?" } And lost in space
	{ "What does this show lack?" } And meaning.

	(Dick gives the finger)

ALL:	meaning.

	BLACKOUT


	EPILOGUE

MAGENTA:	(as usherette) Science Fiction - double feature
	Frank has built and lost his creature
	Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet { echo "Luke and the Force" }
	The servants gone to a distant planet
	Oh - at the late night double feature
	Picture show - I want to go - Ohh -
	To the late night double feature picture show.

(music plays. Curtain call. all come out.)

ALL:	I'm just a sweet transvestite
	From transexual, Transylvania!

FRANK:	Let's hear it for the band! {cheers}
	You wanna hear a little time warp? OK, but you gotta do it with us!

(time warp is sung twice, led by Frank. Actors bow again and leave the stage)

	THE END

*****