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The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Movie Script
Prepared and Edited by:
Katzir Tal
(katzir@pobox.com)
Mar 17 1999
General Information (or "How to read The Script") :
Audience instructions are in braces. Text in quotes is to be
shouted. The instruction 'echo' means that the following line
is to be shouted in unison with the film.
Instructions for "screen person" (i.e. someone who is near the screen
and can do those things - not all the audience)
appear in braces as well.
The word 'or' means alternative lines.
The "/" character means alternative text within the same line.
The "<...>" characters mean that it should be replaced by
what's written in them.
(since in this one script there are lines from many sources.
There are times when more than one line could be used.
In these cases, they all appear).
Call-backs to call-backs appear directly after each other,
up to long dialogues, and sometimes even alternative dialogues
(with 'or' between them).
I know this is confusing, but "It's something you'll get used to"...
Whenever Brad appears, or introduced in some way,
the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
Whenever Janet appears, use the line "Slut!".
The longer line "Slut! Bitch! Whore!",
or say "Rice" and pelt the virgins with rice.
Whenever Rocky appears, shout "Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!".
Whenever the Narrator (Charles Gray) appears, have "chin sex"
(go up to the screen and jump up under it with a hand up)
You can shout "Boring", and throw paper balls,
or say "Charles Gray, he's OK!", or "He's got no fucking neck!".
Dr. Scott may be booed, but it's also appropriate to yell "Kiss Ass!",
"Suck my cock!", or "Dr. Scott should be shot".
Notes to the reader:
If you see any lines, or props, that are missing,
or just anything, that you would like added,
or typos, spellings, ideas of any kind...
Then just send email to me (katzir@pobox.com) and they
will be added to the next version of the script. If you post
comments on alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror, then they might
find their way into this script.
I don't mark the versions, particularly because I modify it
very often. I'll make a habit though to post it on a
monthly basis on the alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror newsgroup,
and upload it to some FTP sites.
I'll keep the date updated though...
The date also means that it's updated with all the posting in 'our'
newsgroup to that date.
Editor's notes:
It was a late November evening in 1993.
I was looking for an Audience-Participation script.
The best I've found was George Burgyan's (gburgyan@nforce.com)
I added to it from ALL the other scripts I've got.
Plus what we have at my theater, what people mailed me,
And everything I've picked up in alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror.
The first version came out on April 1994.
In early 1996, Shawn McHorse (riffraff@txdirect.net)
did a major contribution to it, and for that I'm thankful.
These lines are not the only lines that are said, or are
possible, surely not an authoritative work. I believe it's more fun
to go to the movie and learn the lines from other people,
perhaps using this as a reference. The lines here might not
be used at your theater, and some of the props might not be
allowed (If something is not allowed, DON'T try to bring it
into the theater, it is a good way of spoiling the movie for
everyone!)
Make up your own lines too!
The most important thing about the movie is to have fun!
That's what RHPS is all about!
I don't want this script to be used as something to memorize
from, but rather as a means of getting lines to all of the
world quicker and helping your timing of lines.
Don't try to shout all the lines in one screening,
as it may damage your voice...
I would like to thank everyone who contributed to this script.
All the people at my theater who shouted,
all the people on alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror who
posted lines and a few of my friends for proofing this script.
I would also like to thank everyone else that I'm forgetting.
Now... Let there be lips!
Katzir Tal (katzir@pobox.com)
Props (in order of appearance) :
Card saying 'Message'
Broom
Prunes
Rice
Bouquet
Cards with the letters "J","A","N","E","T"
Rings
Air-Pump (bicycle's)
Newspaper (preferred: Plain Dealer)
Water (squirt gun, or whatever)
Matches (failing which, another source of light)
How to Time Warp Fliers
Doughnut / Bagel
Candy
Rubber Gloves
Noisemaker
Confetti (torn newspapers work well)
Silly String
Toilet Paper (preferred: Scott brand)
Paper Airplanes
Toast
Bologna (opt)
Party Hat
Teddy Bear
Celery
Bell
Frankfurters
Sponges
Package of tollhouse cookies
Cards
Toy Ray Gun
Whistle
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Movie Script
Cast:
{ "Show me God" }
Dr. Frank-n-Furter (a scientist) Tim Curry
{ "You're a hotdog!" }
Janet Weiss (a heroine) Susan Sarandon
{ "Yay heroine" or "Janet's got the heroine!"
or "I want some heroin!" }
Brad Majors (a hero) Barry Bostwick
{ "Asshole! Major asshole!" or "Brad Majors is a Hoagie!"
or "Hey, look! Brad's a sandwich!" }
{ "Show me God" }
Riff Raff (a handyman) Richard O'Brien
{ "A handjob man" or "This is the big dick in the movie" }
Magenta (a domestic) Patricia Quinn
{ "What the fuck's a domestic?"
or "What's your favourite color?" "Clear!" }
Columbia (a groupie) Little Nell (Laura Campbell)
{ "Yay Columbia! Yay groupie"
or "Get a fucking last name!" }
Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist) Jonathan Adams
{ "Great Scott, what a cock! He's got 4 wheel drive, HEY!" }
Rocky Horror (a creation) Peter Hinwood
{ "A creation of very bad writers"
or "Where's Bullwinkle?"
or "Huh-Huh, it says Peter" "Huh-Huh, it also says Wood" }
Eddie (ex-delivery boy) Meat Loaf
{ "How do you deliver an 'ex'?"
"same way you deliver a baby, call Domino's"
or "It's a sex-delivery boy!"
or "Ladies, meet my loaf!" "Don't let your meat loaf!"
or "Not meat loaf AGAIN!" "You liked him last week!" }
The Criminologist (Narrator) (an expert) Charles Gray
{ "That man has no fucking neck!"
"That person has no fucking dick!"
"Get a fucking neck you neckless fuck!"
or "A sexpert!"
or "Charles Gray, He's OK, he's got no fucking neck, HEY!" }
The Transylvanians:
Perry Bedden Fran Fullenwider
{ "She's full and wider now" }
Christopher Biggins Lindsay Ingram
{ "Look, Chris has biggins!" }
Gayle Brown Penny Ledger
{ "That's all she's worth for a fuck!" }
Ishaq Bux Annabelle Leventon
Stephen Calcutt Anthony Milner
Hugh Cecil Pamela Obermeyer
Imogen Claire Tony Then
Rufus Collins Kimi Wong
Sadie Corre Henry Woolf
{ "Woof" }
Credits
(other than actors)
Original Musical Play and Lyrics by Richard O'Brien
{ "Dick number one!" }
Screenplay Jim Sharman
{ "Don't squeeze the sharman" }
Richard O'Brien
{ "Dick number two!" }
Musical Direction and Arrangements Richard Hartley
{ "Dick number three!" }
Director of Photography Peter Suschitzkey
{ "What did they do?"
or "Shu-shit-sky" "Bless you!"
"Bless me! I need it more"
or "What the fuck is suschitzkey?"
"A Polish diarrhea"
or "3 dicks and a Peter" }
Film and Music Editor Graeme Clifford
{ "They creamed Clifford!"
or "Oh cream me, Clifford!"
or "Don't cream on me, Clifford!" }
Design Brian Thomson
Original Costume Design Sue Blane
{ "Hey look, Sue's to blame"
or "Sue's to blame, she made the costumes" "Or lack thereof!" }
Incidental Music Richard Hartley
Dances Staged David Toguri
{ "Togu! Togu! Togu!"
or "David Toguri, samurai choreographer. Haaiii-Yah!" }
Sound Recordist Ron Barrow
Music Recording Kieth Grant
Dubbing Mixer Bill Rowe
Dubbing Editor Ian Fuller
{ "Ian's Fuller becasue his boyfriend's bigger!" }
Assistant Editor Rodney Glenn
Camera Operator Denis Lewiston
{ "Does that say 'Denis' or 'penis'?"
or "It's Denis with a drip"
or "Get that drippy Penis off the screen!"
or "Is that a Denis or a penis?"
"It's too short to be a penis - unless you're my ex-boyfriend" }
Camera Focus Mike Roberts
{ "Focus spelled backwards is... Suc Of!" }
Art Director Terry Ackland-Snow
Construction Manager Dick Frift
{ "What the fuck is a dick frift?" "A frifty dick!" }
Set Dresser Ian Hitlaker
Make Up Peter Ross-King
Based on original make up designed by Pierre La Roche
{ "Pierre's got la roach!" }
Hairdresser Ramon Gow
{ "Hey, look! Ramon's a cow!" }
Wardrobe Richard Pointing
{ point at Richard Pointing
or "What's Richard pointing at?"
or "Richard's pointing at Gillian's Dodds!"
or "Get that pointing Dick off the screen" }
Gillian Dodds
{ "Check out Gillian's Dodds!" }
Production Manager John Comford
{ "If John was on the bottom he'd be Southern Comfort!" }
First Assistant Director Mike Gowans
Continuity Sue Merry
{ "Why is Sue so fucking merry?"
"'Cause she's on top of Celestia!" }
Casting Consultants Celestia Fox UK
{ "If Celestia's such a fox, why is there UK after her name?"
"'Cause you fucked her!" }
Otto and Windsor USA
{ "Otto spelled backwards is... Otto!" }
Production Accountant Ron
Special Effects Wally Veevers
{ "Hey Wally... Where's the Veev?" }
Colin Chilvers
Associate Producer John Goldstone
{ "John's got goldstones!"
or "Goldstones, meet the Goldstones,
they're the modern pervert family!" }
Executive Producer Lou Adler
Produced by Michael White
Directed by Jim Sharman
{ "Don't squeeze the Sharman!" }
{ "Twentieth Century Fox presents...
A cheap fucking piano player" }
{ chant "Lips...lips...lips..." and cheer when they appear }
{ "A long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
God said: 'Let there be lips,' (let's fuck) and there were.
And they were good. and the lips said 'thank you'. Sing!"
or "And on the eighth day God made lips.
And there were lips, and they were good lips,
and they gave good head"
or "This is a true story of seven strangers,
picked to live in a castle and have their lives taped.
The Real World: Denton!" }
Science Fiction/Double Feature
Usherette (lips) Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth { echo "his dick" }
Stood Still { "So was I" }
But he told us where we stand.
{ echo "And he couldn't get it up" }
{ "On our feet" while standing
or "On our seats" while standing on seats
or "On your knees!" }
And Flash Gordon was there In silver
{ echo "cum stained" or echo "crotchless"
or echo "Janet's edible" }
underwear,
{ "They were gold!" "They were brown"
"They were dirty" "They were mine!"
or "Pervert!" }
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.
{ "outa sight!" or "I saw him"
or "I saw right through him"
or "How do you know?" "I fucked him"
or "Who's Claude Rains?"
or "But he never showed up!" }
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and { echo "fucked" }
King { echo "fucking" } Kong;
{ echo "for my wife, Kimi Wong" }
{ "She went Ape-Shit!" }
They got caught in a celluloid
{ echo "sexual" or echo "Shumaker's sexual" }
jam.
{ echo "She got fucked by a 40 ft ape"
or echo "He got caught having sex with a man"
or "Yay jam!" or "My favourite kind!"
or "69!" "77, you get ate more"
or "and peanut butter" }
Then at a deadly pace
It came from... { "Where?" }
Outer Space. { "Thank you" }
{ echo "I came on Janet's face"
or echo "It came all over your mother's face!"
or echo "Frank cummed on Brad's face" }
And this is how the message ran:
{ "Freeze!" or "Credits, please"
or "Paint it black, paint it red" }
{ Run with 'Message' CARD }
{ Attempt cleaning the teeth with the BROOM }
Chorus Science fiction, double feature
{ scratch the S in SHOW so it will bleed on the titles }
Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.
{ "Bill Clinton" }
See androids fighting { echo "fucking" }
{ "and fucking and sucking on" }
Brad and Janet { echo "Brad's a faggot" }
Anne Francis stars in
{ "Deep Throat and"
or "Debbie does Dallas and..."
or "The sequel to" }
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh { echo "Janet's a ho-o-o-o" }
At the late night, { "Anal Friction" }
{ "What kind of feature?" }
double feature,
{ echo "Fuck your teacher" or echo "Fuck your preacher" }
{ "Rocky Horror" }
{ "What kind of show?" or "Where's the other show?" }
picture show. { echo "pick your nose" }
{ "Sing!" }
{ "Do you know any child molesters?" }
Usherette (lips) I knew Leo G. Carrol
{ "Close enough" or echo "Lacreesha Murray" }
Was over { echo "fucking" } a barrel { echo "a sparrow" }
{ "He'll fuck anything!" }
When Tarantula took to the hills. { echo "LSD" }
{ "Lick it, Bitch!" or "Lick me!"
or "How do you get the cum off your lips?" }
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
{ echo "Janet's twat bite Brad's dick off 'cause he
couldn't fulfill" }
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
{ echo "Fight a penis that spits semen and kills" "Yay semen!"
or "What's the fuck's a Triffid?"
or "Janet's twat swallowed Philadelphia!"
or "Yay kills!" }
Dana Andrews said Prunes { "With pits" } { throw PRUNES }
Gave him the runes { echo "the shits" } { "with chunks!" }
And passing them used lots of skills
{ echo "Ex-Lax pills" or "Sexual skills" or "Yay skills!" }
But When Worlds Collide, { clap hands, "BOOM!" }
Said George Pal to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills,"
{ echo "sexual thrills"
or echo "lesbian thrills"
or echo "orgasmic thrills"
or echo "a social disease"
or echo "birth control pills"
or echo "fucks and some thrills"
or echo "joints and some pills"
or echo "fuck the shit out of you"
or echo "kick the shit out of you" }
Like a...
{ "Sex-ray" or "X-ray" or "Like what?" }
Chorus Science fiction, { echo "sex-raid" }
double feature {echo "anal friction" }
Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.
See androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" }
Brad and Janet
{ "Brian Thompson" (his name is on the screen at the time) }
Anne Francis stars in
{ "Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and..."
or "Deep Throat the sequel to" }
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature,
{ echo "Fuck your teacher" or echo "Fuck your preacher" }
{ "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
I wanna go
{ "I want to cum" or "Go where?"
or "I wamma come"
"I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up!" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature, { "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
{ "Who's it by?" }
By RKO,
{ "Really Kinky Orgasms" or "RK who?"
or "A Really Kinky Orgy. Bring your own chicken" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature { "Rocky Horror" }
picture show.
{ "Where's the best place to fuck?!" }
In the back row,
{ front row: "Fuck the back row!"
back row: "Fuck the front row"
front & back: "Fuck ALL the rows!"
or
front: "Fuck the back row!" while flipping them off
middle: "I've SEEN'em YOU fuck'em"
center: "Fuck you both,I'm in the crummy center"
or
front: "Fuck the back row"
back: "Fuck the front row"
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you second!"
front: "We gave you head!"
back: "You swallowed!"
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you last!"
front: "We fucked you up the ass!"
back: "We fucked you in the eye and you saw us cuming!"
front: "We fucked you in the ear and you heard us cuming!"
back: "We fucked you in the head and nothing changed!"
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "Back row sucks!"
back: "Front row swallows!"
front & back: "And the middle let it dribble
down their chin"
all: "Goodbye lips, goodbye...
Never trust a smiling cross..."
or (repeat the first 2 lines)
front: "We fucked you first!"
back: "We fucked you BETTER!"
front: "We faked the orgasm!"
back: "We got it on videotape!"
or
front: "Back row sucks"
back: "Only if you're lucky"
or
"Fuck the back row" "Fuck the front row, it's cheaper!"
"Fuck the second row, it's free!"
"Fuck the third row, they pay you!"
or
"Fuck the back row!" "You fuck the back row!"
"We'll all fuck the back row!"
"Gang bang the back row!!"
or "Yay back row!" }
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night, double feature, { echo "Fuck your teacher" }
picture show.
{ "Bye lips" }
(lips fade into a picture of a cross)
{ "Never trust a smiling cross"
or "These lips died for your sins!" }
{ "Crucify! Crucify! Crucify!..." }
{ "What time is it? It's 4 minutes to 12.
It's ALWAYS 4 minutes to 12!" }
{ Push the steeple of the church up, "Ring the bell!"
"Knock on the door!" }
{ "What a great movie, even the church gets it up" }
{ "Hey, what time is it?... Oh shit, I'm late"
"Better late than pregnant"
"Oh shit, they're pushing religion on us!" }
{ "Hey! Don't put your cigarette out on that!
That's sacriledge, god dammit!" }
Dentonian Here they come! { "And there they go" }
(Dentonians cheer and throw rice)
{ throw RICE }
Photographer Let's get a picture. Close together now.
{ "Who do you want to fuck?"
or "Hey, you dumpy little midget!
Who do you want to fuck in this picture?" }
The folks and then
the grandparents. Yes, all the close family.
{ "That could take a while!" }
{ "This family's a bit TOO close" }
{ "Wait! Make sure you get the mistress in the picture!" }
Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)
{ evil laugh "Now I've got your souls! Nudge nudge,
Poke poke, Say no more say no more"
or "It's Lenny and Squiggy!"
or "Homosexuals, with cameras!"
"Hey, what's wrong with cameras?" }
{ "Hey, check out that priest with his back turned!"
"You would check out a priest with his back turned"
"It's a hobby" }
{ "We see you Riff Raff, but the virgins don't" }
{ "Hey, fat girl, you dropped something!" }
(little girl bends over)
Dentonian Congratulations.
{ "Thank you" in a voice like the Dentonian
or "Ejaculations" }
Ralph I guess we finally did it, huh.
{ "You're going to do it tonight" }
{ "Hit the man who gave you AIDS!... Hit him back!"
or "Let's have a contest to see who can punch the softest!"
or "Let's have an Asshole-Punching contest"
or "Kick ass! BOOM! POW! Faggot boxing"
or "Asshole fight! Hit him! Hit him back!"
or "OW" after each punch }
Brad I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty
have been almost inseparable since { "the operation" }
you met in Dr. Scott's Refresher class.
{ "Should have used KY instead of super glue" }
{ "Yeah,Here camera"... etc. stand and wave to camera }
Ralph Well to tell you the truth, Brad, That's the only reason I
showed up in the first place. (chuckles) { "Lier!" }
Betty O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)
{ "EARTHQUAKE!!!" }
Ralph Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. { throw BOUQUET }
{ "Betty's going to toss her wad!" }
{ chant "Who's got the clap?" and clap
or "Do you have syph?"
or "Hey, Janet! Who's got VD?"
or "Catch it Janet!" }
Janet I got it! I got it!
{ "She always gets it" }
Ralph Hey big fella, { "How would you know?" }
looks like it could be your turn next, eh?
{ "No, it's his turn first" }
Brad Who knows. { "Who cares, why bother" or "The shadow knows" }
Ralph Well, so long, see you Brad. { "See ya sucker" }
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
{ "Think about it asshole, long and hard.
Did you change your underwear this morning?
Once for yes, twice for no, slap that car and make it go"
or "Think about it asshole, did you shave today?
And why does your finger smell like Janet?"
or "Adjust your glasses! Adjust your chin!
Now get the fuck out so we can read the car!"
or "Think about it asshole, did you shave this morning?
While you think about it, we'll read the car"
or "Think about it asshole, she got her's, now he'll get his"
or "Think about it asshole, did you wipe your ass this
morning?"
or "Should I tell Lois I'm Superman?" }
{ "Hit the car twice if you're an asshole!... Thought so"
or "Hey Brad, if you wanna fuck, knock on the hood twice"
or "Hey Brad, slap the car twice if you're a flaming
homosexual who likes to fuck dead armadillos in a pool
of lime green jello!"
or "There's a smurf on the hood, kill it Brad...
La La, LaLaLaLa... movie 1, smurfs nothing!"
"Medic smurf!" }
{ "That's Ralph's cum, but it's Betty's handwriting" }
(Brad hits the car twice. They drive away)
{ "It's the Boston Marathon!" }
{ "And the moral of our story is..." }
(sign saying "Be just and fear not")
{ "Be drunk and care not"
or "Be just and fear twat.
Be stoned and fear nothing.
Be on acid and fear everything.
Be smart and fear women.
Be drunk and don't care.
Drink blood and fear sunlight"
or "Be stoned and fear nothing...
Take acid and fear everything... Except old people..."
(this has to be timed right, say
"old people" when it shows the old people) }
{ "The Geritol twins" to the old couple
or "Oh shit I missed the bus" }
(small ray of light in the lens)
{ "It's Glinda, Good Witch of the North!" }
{ "Janet, what did you say after Lesbian Oil Wrestling" }
Janet Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? { "No!" }
Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful?
{ "No! She looked like shit!" }
I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old
Betty Monroe,
{ echo "playing with herself" or echo "Betty the ho" }
and now...
{ "now she doesn't have to" or "now she's a slut" }
now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
{ "I'd rather be Betty Monroe"
or "Hap-SHIT, past tense, will travel" "not very far"
or "Hap-SHIT" "Gesuntheit"
or "Hap-SHIT" "Hap-shit's better than no shit!" "No shit" }
{ "Hey Brad, has Ralph seen you naked?" }
Brad Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
{ "No he's not, she's got syph"
or "No he's not, she's got clap" clap hands }
Janet Yes.
Dentonian I always cry at weddings.
{ "And laugh at funerals" "And chuckle at circumcisions"
or "And laugh at funerals, when's yours Bitch?"
or "So do I"
or "What the fuck do you do at funerals, bitch?" }
{ "Show me an angel masturbating. Thank you"
or "HEY! Show me and angel masturbating...
LOOK! It's SAINT PETER!"
or "When I said erect a statue of an angel,
this is NOT what I meant!"
or "Show me Pee Wee herman in the afterlife"
or "Check out the fairie masturbating"
"You would check out a fairie masturbating!"
"It's a hobby" }
Brad Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
{ echo "fuck" }
{ "And she's a great little fuck too"
or "She's the hottest baked potato in Denton...
Yay Denton! home of the happy hookers"
or "She cooks like shit, and sucks like a vacuum cleaner" }
Janet Yes.
Brad Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion
in a year or two.
{ "If he doesn't get busted first"
or "He'll get his promotion tonight"
or "He'll get a raise tonight" }
(Brad and Janet stroll through the cemetary)
{ "As long as we're in the cemetary, let's bury Bostwick" }
{ "Sadly, Mel Blanc lies in an unmarked grave" }
{ "And THERE'S where Paul McCartney is buried!" }
{ when sign appears "Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah,
Denton Denton eat me raw, Yay Denton"
or "Yay Denton, the home of happiness!" }
{ "What's a sign doing in the middle of a graveyard?"
"Advertising!"
or "Its never to late to learn how to read"
or "What the fuck's a billboard doing in a cemetery?"
"What the fuck's a cemetery doing in front
of a billboard?" }
{ "Hey, that sign has a heart-on" }
{ "Arrow points to the air-head"
or "Arrow points at the slut"
"She's not a slut yet, give her time" }
Janet Yes.
Dammit Janet
{ "Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck?"
or "What do horses eat, asshole?" }
Brad Hey Janet.
{ "Sit on my face and melt my glasses!"
or "Sit on my face and wiggle and scream and cum!"
"Why? Is you nose longer than your dick?" }
Janet Yes Brad?
Bead I've got something to say
{ "Then say it, don't sing it!"
"Don't say it, sing it!"
or "Sing it, asshole! This is a muscial!" }
Janet Uh huh.
Brad I really love { "To fuck with a man" }
the
{ "Starts with an S...Sku...Sku...Sku..."
or "Sk... Sk... scabs on your cunt!" }
skillful way...
{ "what a fucking genius"
or "you give head" }
you beat the other girls... { "With whips and chains?" }
to the bride's bouquet. { "Oh, that too..." }
Janet Oh Brad. { "Eat your veggies, bitch!" or "Flower fucker!" }
{ audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit Janet's }
{ "Sing it asshole!" }
Brad The river was deep but I swam it (Chorus: Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
{ "Shut up!" or "Awww, can it!" }
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
{ echo "fuck off bitch, I wanna screw"
or echo "Dammit, Janet, you're a slut" }
{ "Wanna kiss? Psyche!" }
{ "Rewind!" }
The road was long but I ran it (Janet) { "backwards" }
{ "Only assholes run backwards!" }
There's a fire in my heart { echo "pants" }
and you { "blew it out" }
fan it (Janet)
If there's one fool { echo "fag" }
for you then I am it. (Janet)
{ get to the right-hand corner of the screen
and say "Fuck you, Riff!"
or "Hey Riff, Show us how you want to fuck Janet!" }
(Riff throws pitchfork into ground)
{ fall down as Riff throws the pitchfork
or "Well ok but that might hurt!"
or "OW MY EYE!!!" }
{ "Draw Janet's ass!" }
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
{ echo "only assholes carry chalk"
"And only weirdos carry erasers"
or echo "only assholes write on doors"
or echo "assholes write on church doors too" }
{ "Look, the door has a heart-on }
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
{ echo "...that I play poker"
or "just an asshole"
or "She got hers, now he'll get his"
"He got it in a Cracker Jack Box" }
There's three ways that love { echo "Janet" } can grow
{ echo "There's three ways Janet can go"
or echo "There's three ways my dick can grow"
"Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!" }
{ "sex, drugs and rock and roll"
or "Sex, sex and sex" or "42, 69, hike"
or "Sex, drugs and four year olds" }
That's good, bad, or mediocre.
{ echo "That's straight, gay, or bi-sexual!"
or echo "straight, gay, and bestial"
or echo "gay, straight, or trisexual... I'll try ANYTHING!!!"
or echo "up, down, and sideways" }
{ "How do you spell slut?"
or "How does Dan Quayle spell relief?" }
Oh J-A-N-E-T
{ People on the front row, raise LETTER CARDS }
{ "The 'O' is silent" }
I { "Who's Ojaneti?" }
love you so.
{ echo "I want a blow"
or echo "I fucked your nose!" "It shows" }
{ "Fall, Asshole!" }
{ "Don't drop it!"
or "Assholes always drop the ring" }
{ throw RING }
{ "How was your orgasm?" or "Describe your twat!" }
Janet Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
{ "Black is for sluts!" }
{ "Turn the flowers it's a funeral now!" }
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
{ echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad" }
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
{ echo "Brad, I fucked, your sister too"
or echo "Brad, you fag, fuck you too"
or echo "for a screw"
or echo "let's go screw" }
Oh Brad...
{ "Hey asshole, how do you walk with a hard-on?"
or "Sluts strut" "assholes shuffle"
or "It's the Asshole Two-Step!"
or "It's time for the Asshole Shuffle!" }
Brad Oh... dammit. { echo "Oh... shit }
Janet I'm mad... { echo "I'm pregnant" }
Brad Oh... Janet. { echo "Oh... shit" }
Janet ...for you. { echo "It's not yours" }
Brad I love you too.
{ echo "I love to screw-ew-ew-ew"
or echo "I wonder who-o-o" }
Brad & Janet There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
{ echo "ah-choo" or echo "that's screw" }
{ "Bury a midget" }
Brad And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
{ "He's in the box!" }
{ echo "let's fuck the man in the casket" "It's a box"
or echo "go pick my nose and then flick it" }
When we met in his science exam-it (Janet)
{ echo "I'm not sure where I should stick it"
or "What the fuck is an examit?" }
{ "He's STILL in the box!" }
Made me give you the eye and then panic (Janet)
{ echo "Made me piss in my pants and then panic"
or echo "Made me cum in your eye and then panic"
or echo "Maybe I'd better just lick it"
or echo "Made me pull up your skirt and then cram it" }
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet,
I love you.
Dammit, Janet.
{ echo "Dammit, Janet, you're a slut!"
"And a bitch, and a whore, and a whole lot more!" }
{ "It's the Asshole Waltz!" }
Janet Oh Brad, I'm mad. { echo "you fag" }
Brad Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet I love you. { echo "I love screw" }
{ "Watch as the amazing contortionist Janet Weiss bends over
and kisses her own asshole"
"Boy, is she flexible!"
or "What you're about to see is a virgin kiss,
three assholes, and a 4 way split...
The virgin kiss...Three assholes...
And a 4 way split...NOW!" }
{ when they kiss "They probably have halitosis!" }
{ at the picture of the cross "Symbolism" }
{ "the man you're about to see has NO FUCKING NECK
but has a great fuckable chin"
or "The man you're about to see has no fucking neck, a pussy
on his chin, and a chicken's footprint on his forehead"
or "Where's your fucking neck?!? The man has no fucking
neck! Hit it, neck"
or "to tell you what has just begun, here comes
no neck number one" }
{ "I bet you'd like something, wouldn't you?
You beady eyed butt-fucker!" "He's not beady eyed"
or "Would you like to fuck a chipmunk?"
or "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly,
yo mama says you ugly,
and your daddy dresses you funny!" }
{ go up to the screen and turn Crim's chair }
Narrator I would like, { "you would, would you?" or "a fucking neck" }
ah, if I may, { "You may not!" } ...to take you
{ "Where?" or "Take me take me" }
on a strange journey
{ "How strange was it?
So strange they made a movie about it!
Not the book, the movie! Same book every fucking week!"
or "You want a strange journey, jump up my ass!"
"You want an even stranger journey,
jump up your own ass!" }
(goes for black book)
{ "Remember, me? I'm the kid who had a report due on space.
Well, I'm all grown up now and I'm STILL selling these
fucking encyclopedias!"
"He had a report due on space"
"I think I made that abundantly clear"
"Let's have that 800 number!" }
{ "Tell me about the Rabbits again, George!"
or "Fractured fairy taled with Edward Everett Horton"
or "Tell us another grim fairy tale, uncle Chuck!" }
(opens book)
{ "Not the book, the MOVIE" }
{ "And this pervert took pictures!" "and you're in 'em!"
"Damn straight" "Not what I heard" "Who told?" }
{ "Three pages to the asshole. aye, zvei,
zvei and a half, dray" }
It seemed a fairly ordinary night { "Ordinary?" }
when Brad Majors,
{ "Asshole! and a statement to prove it!" }
and his fiancee
{ "Oh my god, it's a talking head"
"I ain't got no body!" (sung)
or "The book ate his neck! The book ate his neck!" }
Janet Weiss,
{ "Slut!" or "Slut, bitch, whore!" }
{ "And a statement to prove it!" }
two young, normal, { "normal?" } healthy { "healthy?" } kids,
{ "who masturbate constantly" }
left Denton
{ "Denton Denton rah rah rah, Denton Denton eat me raw,
yeah Denton" }
that late November { "November?" }
evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, { echo "snotssssss" }
{ "Great Scott, he's got wheels but no breaks.
He's a horny parapalegic"
or "The bastard child of Mary Poppins and R2D2,
And a statement to prove it!"
or "Brownnose kiss-ass paraplegic prick.
And a statement to prove it!" }
ex-tutor, { echo "sex-tutor" }
now friend { echo "fuck" } to both of them.
{ "Is it true that you fuck dead chickens?"
or "Is it true that you're constipated?"
or "Is it true that you have elephantitis of the balls?" }
It's true there were dark storm clouds.
{ "Describe your balls"
or "Describe your balls in three words or less"
or "Describe Oprah Winfrey's tits"
or "How do you like your women?" etc. }
Heavy, { "Like your neck!" or "Yes!" }
black, { "Unlike your neck!" or "Yes!" }
and pendulous, { "Like your neck - What neck?" or "Oh, Yes!" }
toward which they were driving.
{ "Is it true also that you molest little children?"
or "Is it true also that your mother douches with Drano?"
or "Is it true also that your mother's a hooker?"
or "Is it true also that your balls ride shotgun everywhere
you go?"
or "Is it true you're also gay?"
or "Is it also true you used to fuck 'Right Said Fred'
regularly?" sing "I'm too sexy for my neck..."
etc. }
It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was
badly in need of some air,
{ "Like your neck" or "So give it a blow job!" }
{ use AIR-PUMP }
but, uh, they being normal { "normal?" }
kids, on a night out...
{ "of the closet..."
or "it was a night in!"
or "it was a Days INN!"
or "A night in - and out - and in - and out - WHOO!" }
well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of
their evening, were they? { "Certainly not!" }
{ "Where's your fucking neck?" }
On a night out...
{ "I suspected as much" }
{ "It was a night in!" or "What kind of night?" }
{ "Come a little bit closer, Chucky" }
It was a night out { "OK" }
they were going to remember...
{ "For how long?"
or "And how long are you going to be a virgin?" }
for a very long time.
{ "What a fucking trip!" }
{ "You're so ugly, you've made the screen melt"
or "For those of you on acid, yes, the screen just melted"
or "Don't come on the screen!" "Ewwww..." }
{ Batman music "Batman!" }
{ sing (to Speed Racer theme)
"Here he comes
Here comes Brad Majors
He's an asshole on wheels" }
{ stand on the left side of the screen,
and attempt to hitch-hike, and fall as the car goes by }
{ "K-Tel presents Richard Nixon's greatest shit!
Available on 8-Track!" }
(Richard Nixon speech on the radio)
{ "A Dick on the radio and and asshole in the seat" }
{ "Hey Dick,have you ever been a quitter?" }
Nixon I have never been a quitter...
{ "Oh, shit!" or "No, but you're dead now..."
or "Bullshit! Your heart did!" }
To leave office before my
term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body.
{ "You call that a body?" "I call it decomposing" }
But as President { "You call that a president?" }
I must put the interests of America first.
{ "Nobody likes a crooked dick" "Speak for yourself!" }
{ "What does America need?" }
America needs a full time president...
{ "You call that a president?"
or "Not a part-time asshole!" }
{ "What else?" }
and a full time congress... { "You call that a congress?" }
{ "Ladies and gentleman! this is the part of the movie
were we imitate the windshield wipers! arms up!
Left, right, left, right.
For those of you on speed:
(quickly) Leftrightleftrightleftright.
For those of you on cocaine:
Fuckin'-left, fuckin'-right.
For those of you on acid:
Red, orange, yellow, green, blue.
For those of you on crack:
(clap hands)
For those of you who are dislexic:
(crossing arms) Left, right, left, right.
For those of you on Marijuana:
The snack bar is still open.
For those of you on rhufenal:
Come with me.
For those of you already horny:
In, out, in, out.
For those of you on Quaaludes:
(slowly) leffft, rigght, leffft, rigght
For those of you on acid:
(like grabbing a ball in midair) Red, orange, yellow,
blue, purple, red, SPIDERS! (duck)
For those of you on crack:
(abruptly clutch chest and fall down)
For those of you on marijuana:
the snack bar is between Janet's legs,
and they're still open (run down aisle)
Thank you!"
or "Asshole, Slut, asshole, slut" }
{ "How many motorcycles passed?"
or "Count the motorcycles, bitch. That's ONE!" }
Janet Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passes us.
{ "No it's the first, bitch!" or "Bitch still can't count!" }
They sure do take their lives in their hands,
{ "Brad takes something into his hands a lot of the time!" }
what with the weather and all.
{ "Say something stupid, asshole!" }
Brad Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
{ "So is Janet!"
or "I'm that type!"
or "Yay that type!" }
{ "She chews and chews and chews but never swallows!"
or "She's a cow! She's chewing her cud!"
or "Janet's eating ex-lax" "With nuts, and liking it!" }
{ "Squirt, squirt, squirt..." }
Janet Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
{ "I got cum on the windshield"
or "I came on the windshield" }
{ "Make sound like a cow" }
Brad Oooh. We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
{ "You took the salad fork!"
or "You should have taken the right spoon!"
or "Asshole!"
or "Fork you!" }
Janet Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
{ "Japan" or "do-do-do-do..." etc. to twilight zone theme }
{ "Do you have mad cow disease Brad?" }
Brad Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
{ "No, don't turn back!" or "The cameraman's my brother!" }
{ "Oh shit, there's a pervert in the back seat!"
"That's where they usually are!"
or "OK but watch out for the pointy thing
in the middle of the road..." }
{ "Look out!" or "Brad, what's your favourite sound effect?" }
{ "Grab that tit! Grab that tit!"
or "Hey Brad, go for her tit, it's open" }
(Boom!)
{ "He stopped short!" or "BAZOOM!" }
Janet Oh! What was that bang?
{ "a gang bang bitch, and you weren't invited"
or "The cameraman"
or "It was Kurt Cobain riding shotgun"
or "I just shot Marvin in the face!" }
Brad We must have a blowout. { "Kill the smurf, kill the smurf" }
DAMMIT!
{ "movie 2 smurfs nothing. Medic smurf!" or "Janet"
or Slap the back of seat when Brad does }
{ "A blowout on the outside and a blowjob on the inside" }
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed.
{ "Asshole!" or "That's what Ennis Cosby said!"
or "You'll say that when you get her pregnant!" }
Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.
Janet But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
{ 'Jeopardy' theme song
or "To the edge of nowhere!"
or "Frankie's fucking palace"
or "Behind a bush" }
{ "What's white and tastes like shit?"
or "Try the castle!"
or "What's white and sells hamburgers?" }
Brad ...Didn't we pass a castle { echo "gallstone" }
back down the road a few miles?
{ Cheers! "Genius!" }
{ "Janet, do your impression of Monica Lewinsky!" }
Maybe they have a telephone we could use.
{ "Castles don't have phones, asshole!"
"Assholes don't have castles, telephone!"
repeat whenever appropriate
or "Or a transvestite" }
Janet I'm going with you.
Brad Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
{ "She's already wet! Check the seat!"
or "She's already wet! She rode on the gearshift!" }
Janet I'm coming with you! { "That'll be a first" }
Besides darling,
the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman
{ "He is!" "He's gorgeous" }
and you might never come back.
{ "You should be so lucky!" }
(Brad laughs)
{ "It's an impressionist painting!" }
Brad Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.
{ "Brad, kick the tire if you're an asshole!"
or "... kick something flatter than Janet's chest"
or "Hey Brad, those are self-inflating tires!
Kick 'em twice to activate them!" (He kicks once)
"ASSHOLE!"
or "How does an asshole fix a car?"
or "Hey Brad, why don't you get out and kick the tires!
It always seems to work in the movies..."
or "Shur-Fine tires!"
or "Should've gone to Allied discounts tires!
Tires ain't pretty, Janet ain't pretty, but their both
cheap and give you a good ride... ALLIED!" }
(they get out of the car, Brad kicks the tire)
(it's raining, and Janet puts newspaper over her head)
{ NEWSPAPERS over heads, start with the SQUIRT GUN }
{ "Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!" }
{ "I want chicken legs!"
or "Hey, Janet, show us how a chicken walks!
Sluts on the left... No, sluts on the right...
No, sluts on the left... Ah, fuck it!"
or "Watch out for Colonel Sanders with those legs!" }
{ "It's raining, it's pouring. Janet's gone a-whoring.
For a nickle or a dime, she will do it anytime.
If you have a credit card, she will do it extra hard.
Janet's got VD, enter at your own risk.
Special effects, please!"
(lightning on sign)
"Thank you, Steven Spielberg"
"Fuck you, Steven Spielberg. I hated E.T"
"E.T. hated you" }
{ "That sign belongs between Janet's legs, and on the other
side it says 'slippery when wet'"
or "Show us the sign over Madonna's bed"
or "If you don't risk it we won't have a movie"
or "Risk it, risk it!" }
{ "How long does it take to read five fucking words?"
"Five fucking scenes" "But there's only four fucking scenes
in this movie" "Then we get to improvise one" }
{ "Fuck you, Zeus!" }
(lightning flashes)
{ "Now Janet, don't hit that slut-eating tree, because then
you'll have to sing and nobody wants that to hap---"
or "Hey, Janet. Watch out for that slut-eating tree!"
"It's a tree-eating slut"
or "Hey, Janet. Watch out for that slut-eating tree
that makes bitches sing incredibly off-key"
or "Janet, Show us your best Sonny Bono impression" }
Over At The Frankenstein Place
{ "Sing it bitch" }
{ "where do you like to masturbate,Janet?" }
Janet In the velvet darkness, { "between your thighs" }
Of the blackest night, { "same thing" }
Burning bright, { "What's up your ass?" }
there's a guiding star. { echo "there's a brand new car" }
{ "With the doors open!" or "That must hurt!"
or "That's what they're for" }
{ "Hey Janet, will you fuck me no matter what?" }
No matter what { "Or who I are?" } or who you are.
{ "Sing it asshole, it's a duet!" }
Brad & Janet There's a light...
{ echo "There's a dyke" or "Where's my baby?" }
{ light MATCHES on 'light' }
{ "Where's the best place to get fucked?" }
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
{ echo "Sitting on your mother's face" }
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "There's a dyke" }
{ "Where's Santa Claus?!"
or "Where's the evidence in OJ's trial?"
or "Where are the children?"
or "Where does Barney Belong?"
or "Where'd you stash the pot?"
or "Where's David Koresh?"
or "Where's Hootie and the Blowfish?"
or "Where are the Whitewater Files?"
or "Wheres the Cast of Schindler's List?" }
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
{ echo "Burning down the fucking place" }
Brad & Janet There's a light, { echo "dyke" } light { echo "dyke" }
{ "Where's Ray Charles?" }
in the darkness
{ MATCHES out on 'darkness' -
"Darkness you virgins!" if any lights still on }
of everybody's life.
{ echo "between your mother's thighs" }
(The following section exists in the stage performance)
Brad I can see the flag fly
I can see the rain
Just the same, there has got to be
Something better here for you and me.
Brad & Janet There's a light...
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet There's a light...
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
Brad & Janet There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
{ "Sing to us, oh hairless one!" }
{ "Why is there a dick on this man's shoulder?" }
{ "We're not worthy, we're not worthy" }
Riff Raff The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
{ "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!" }
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming
{ "It's the amazing shrinking Riff Raff"
or "Watch out for the quick sand, Riff"
or "Pull your brother down, Magenta"
or "I'm going down on my sister now"
or "I'm melting!!! I'm melting!!!"
or "Norman? Come in from the rain, Norman" }
Into my life. Into my life...
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "dyke" }
{ MATCHES again }
Chorus Over at the Frankenstein place.
{ echo "Sitting on MY mother's face" }
Brad & Janet There's a light... { echo "dyke" }
{ Stand near middle of screen, hold your hands several feet
apart, and announce to the audience that "My dick is THIS
big! And if I'm lying, may God strike me dead"
Drop to floor when lightning strikes
or light a lighter
or say "I have a copy of the 'Revenge' script!" }
{ "The BeeGee's should be kept..." }
Chorus Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light { echo "dyke" } , a light { echo "dyke" }
{ "Where's Stevie Wonder?" }
Brad & Janet ...in the darkness { MATCHES off on 'darkness' }
of everybody's life { echo "between my mother's thighs" }
{ "Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew, and sew and sew..."
or "Betsy Ross used to sit home and fuck herself
and fuck herself..."
or "What's the smell coming from your shoe? You've stepped
in no-neck number two..." }
Narrator And so, { "She had time to sew?" }
{ "This guy is so gay, he can't even draw a straight line"
or "No wonder they're lost, he's got the fucking map"
"You need a map to fuck?"
"No, but sometimes to find my way out"
or "It's a map to fucking Denton"
"Denton doesn't fuck, I've been there"
"That's why"
or "That's not Denton!"
"Hell, that's not even Texas!" }
it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
{ "unlike your neck" }
and that they had found the assistance that their plight
required. { "Or had they?" or "Are you sure?" }
Or had they?
{ "I asked you first!" }
{ "Nyah-ha-ha" }
{ "Look! It's Scooby-Doo on acid!"
or "Look, Scooby-doo got stoned!"
or "It's Big Bird on Steroids" }
{ "Hey, Janet. Why is there a condom in your hair?"
"It's to prevent hearing aids" }
Janet Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...
Brad Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
{ "Castles don't have phones, asshole!" }
{ "Ding-dong asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?"
"No thanks, I tried them and they tasted like shit"
"What do you think they're made of?"
or "Ding-dong asshole calling! Sluts for sale, real cheap!"
"So cheap, she has a condom in her hair"
or "Ding-dong asshole calling! Avon couldn't make it"
or "Ding dong asshole calling sluts for sale
get 'em while they're wet... Janet's always wet" }
{ "1-2-3-4. Open up the fucking door!"
"5-6-7-8. Quick before they masturbate. Too late..." }
{ "Door-gasm!" as Riff opens the door }
{ "Say hello, Riff"
or "Say Jello in Spanish"
or "What's satanic jello?"
or "What's your favourite Lionel Richie song?"
or "Say something sexy like jello in Spanish"
or "Hey Riff, whats your favorite 5 letter salutation?" }
Riff Raff Hello.
{ "Mine's 'dancing on the ceiling'"
or "...and welcome to the crystal maze"
or "Mine's eat me" "No fair, 2 words" "5 letters" }
{ "Brad, how do you feel?"
or "Are you drunk or high, Brad?" }
Brad Hi! My name is Brad Majors.
{ "And what are you selling us tonight?" }
This is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
I wonder if you could help us.
You see our car broke down { "Bullshit, you got a flat!" }
a few miles up the road...
do you have a phone we might use?
{ "Feel between Janet's legs" }
Riff Raff You're wet.
{ "no shit, Sherlock" }
{ "Are you a slut?"
or "Do you have your waterproof vibrator with you?"
or "Hey Janet, are you gay?"
or "Do sluts give good weather reports?" }
Janet Yes,
{ "How's the weather?" or "Why?" or "Prove it!" }
it's raining.
{ "no shit, Janet!" or "good reason" }
{ "Brad,are you gay?"
or "Are you an asshole, Brad?" }
Brad Yes.
{ "Riff, are you gay?"
or "Are you on drugs, Riff?"
or "Riff, do you fuck your sister?" }
Riff Raff Yes...
{ "God, are you gay?" or "Is OJ guilty, God?" }
(lightning strikes, illuminating motorcycles)
{ "Sorry, just kidding"
or "You weren't supposed to see that!"
or "Riff is a used Honda dealer"
or "Motorcycles! We'll ride out of here on those motorcyl...
Oh, nevermind" }
I think that perhaps you both better
{ "Fuck off" or "Get lost" }
come inside.
{ "I don't care where you cum, as long as you clean it up"
"I don't care if you clean up, as long as you come"
"I don't care if you clean it up as long as I can Come to"
"I don't care what you come as long as it is/isn't GREEN!"
or "Better than coming outside or not coming at all"
or "I don't care where you come as long as I come first
and you lick it up" }
{ "How kind is he?" }
Janet You're too kind.
{ "no he's not"
or "No, he's 3 kinds: boys, girls and Magenta"
or "No, he's three of a kind. He's trisexual, he'll
try anything" }
(Brad flaps the lapels of his jacket to dry off)
{ "Brad, show us how an asshole flies!"
"Better than John Denver!"
or "Brad beat off your jacket!
Janet, get that condom out of your hair!"
or "Brad, show us how a butterfly masturbates!"
"Janet, there's some cum in your hair!" }
{ "Can you see the domestic in this picture?"
"No there's a slut in the way!"
or "Can you spot the lesbian in this picture?"
"I've never seen a spotted lesbian!"
"You've never seen my sister" }
Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?
{ "Describe the white house"
or "Describe the Whitewater Scandale!"
or "What's my apartment like?"
or "Brad, describe " }
Brad Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich
weirdoes.
{ "Yay rich weirdoes!"
or "Rich weirdoes are out of season!"
or "Not rich, just weird" }
Janet Oh. (forlornly)
{ "Riff, how do you finger-fuck your sister?" "often"
or "Which way?" }
Riff Raff This way.
{ "Follow the bouncing thumb"
or "Riff's got chronic Nintendo thumb"
or "I got a booger on my finger and I can't get it off"
"I don't have a booger on my finger,
but I can get you off!" }
{ "Janet, what did you say when you caught
Brad masturbating?" }
Janet Are you having a party?
{ "No, it's my sister's bat mitzvah"
or "No,it's my sister's bas-period, can't you see
the blood on my shirt?"
or "Do you see any fucking tupperware?"
or "Yes, would you like to see some tupperware?" }
{ "What kind of night is it?" }
Riff Raff You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the
master's affairs.
{ "Which one? He has so many" "The sixty-ninth!"
or "Which one? Which gender? Which species?"
or "Number sixty-nine in the series. Collect them all" }
{ "Don't say the 'L' word!" }
Janet Oh, lucky him.
{ "Nice going, bitch!" }
{ echo the next line }
Magenta You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!
ha ha ha ha ha
{ echo "The banister's lucky!"
"No it's not, she's got wood-worms! And it's got syph!"
"Who's going to pick the splinters out of Magenta's twat?"
"Who's going to pick the splinters out of Riff's tongue?"
or echo "The banister's lucky!"
"No, the banister's sticky!"
"I call that lucky!"
or "The banister's lucky. It just got waxed"
or "oh shit, Magenta's got termites in the cunt again...
Call Orkin!"
or "Does she polish all the furniture that way?" }
(clock chimes seven times) (note: the clock reads 6 o'clock)
{ "Hey Riff, show us your mother"
or "Hey Riff, show us "
or "Hey Riff, where do you keep your pipe bombs
for the Atlanta Olympics?"
or "Hey Riff, could you show us that pop singer, you know,
the one that dies of anorexia...
Ladies and Gentlemen, miss Karen Carpenter!" }
(Riff opens clock, a skeleton revealed)
{ "You look different, have you lost weight?" }
{ "Please, I'm already dead. No need to kick me
in the crotch" }
The Time Warp
{ "What do you think of my penis?" }
Riff Raff It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
{ "What's your favourite rock group?"
or "Why are we here?" }
{ "What's the East-West Expressway?" }
Madness { "they suck!" or "thought so!" }
{ "What's it take?" }
takes it's toll.
{ "69 cents, please!" "so does New Jersey" }
But listen closely...
{ "For how long?" }
Magenta Not for very much longer.
{ "How many balls have you got?" }
Riff Raff I've got to { "I've got three!" }
keep control. { echo "Smoke a bowl!" or "Loose it!" }
I remember { "What?" }
doing the time-warp.
{ "Kick Kick" or "1 2" }
Drinking { "Jack Daniel's" or "Patricia Quin" }
those moments when
The blackness would hit me { "Ouch!" }
Riff & Magenta And a void would be calling... { "What's it say?" }
Transylvanians Let's do the time-warp again.
{ echo "Let's fuck the middle class again"
or echo "Let's do the same shit again" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ Here are the instructions: Do it!
Use How to Time Warp Fliers }
{ "How's it done?" }
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
{ "2-4-6-8-Huh!" }
But it's the pelvic thrust
{ "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"
or "fuck" with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "How does cum taste?" }
Magenta It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
{ "Why do you wear all that makeup?" }
So you can't see me,
{ "do you douche?" }
no, not at all. { "smells it" }
{ "Where do you fuck/masturbate?" }
In another dimension,
{ "How/Why do you fuck/masturbate?" }
with voyeuristic intention,
{ "Where are your tits?" }
Well secluded,
{ "What do you see?" or "What do you see on acid?"
or "Do you see this?" while flipping her off }
I see all. { echo "The floor" }
{ "Oh, shit!" }
Riff Raff With a bit of a mind flip { echo "Fuck" }
Magenta You're into the time slip. { echo "Suck" }
{ "Fuck that bird! grease that pole! eat that bagel"
"no thanks, I'm not Jewish" / "no thanks, it's not kosher"
or "Tetley for your tea, sir?" "no thanks"
or "Fuck that bird!
Now that's what I call foul masturbation" }
Riff Raff And nothing { echo "bagels" }
can ever be the same.
{ argue about the doughnut being a bagel
or the other way around }
Magenta You're spaced out on sensation.
{ "What's it like fucking your sister, Riff?"
or "What's it like, watching this movie?" }
Riff Raff Like you're under sedation.
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Sing it Nelly" }
{ Sing 'Ooh-wee-ooh-ooh's, ala the Beach Boys }
Columbia Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
{ echo "He put his twelve-inch dick,
right between my thighs" }
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
{ alternate lyrics:
"I was walkin' down the street after havin' a drink
when a snake of a guy showed me his little dink.
He whipped it out and stroked it side to side.
It had a purple tip and was circumcised.
He smiled at me, and then he came.
Size meant nuthin', never would again" }
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's"
or echo "Put your dick in your lips"
or echo "Put your hands on my dick" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
{ "oooo ahhh" or "group sex" with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Out-in-out-in-out, just like sex!"
"I don't just like sex, I LOVE sex!" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
(Columbia tap dances)
{
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time
1, 2, 3, 4 Dance you little fuckin' whore"
or
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 If she can do it, so can I
10, 20, 30, 40 now we know you're really horny
4, 6, 8, 10 Clean it up and start again"
or
"2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate
3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time
4, 6, 8, 10 Do it for us once again
5, 7, 9, 11 Suck my dick and go to heaven
6, 8, 10, 12 She's so hot she'll blow a valve"
or "2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14 Eat your heart out Ann Miller!" }
{ "Eat your heart out, Ann Miller!
Eat yourself out, Ann Miller!
Eat ME out, Ann Miller! Who the fuck is Ann Miller?"
or "Eat me out, Paula Abdul!" }
{ "Don't fall... Don't fall... Awww!" }
All Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator It's just a jump to the left.
{ echo "Get the fuck off the desk" }
All And then a step to the right.
Narrator With you're hands on you hips.
{ echo "tits, or somebody else's" }
All You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust { "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"
with each thrust }
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Disco style!" "Disco has no style" }
Let's do the time-warp again.
{ "Fall down if you're horney!
Only virgins go all the way!"
or "Fall down if you're horney!"
"Stand up if you're a lesbian!"
"I'm a lesbian, I fuck women!" (standing up) }
{ collapse out of exhaustion! }
{ "next time use Duracell!" }
{ "Release the poison gas"
or "It's not over until the fat lady farts" "It's over"
or "Virgins get up now. Old Rocky get up whenever the hell
they want (or they can)" }
Janet Brad, say something. (whispered)
{ echo "say something stupid so we could all get up" }
{ "I'm not moving until I see a beached whale!" }
Brad Say, { "That wasn't stupid" }
do any of you guys know how to Madison?
{ "THAT was stupid" or "asshole!" or "I do the twist myself"
or "I do the rock myself, it's stimulating!"
or "I do the rock myself" "I swim!" "I drown"
"You would" "No, Natalie would" "No, Natalie did" }
Janet Brad, please, let's get out of here.
{ "Brad, give Janet some masturbation advice" }
Brad For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
{ stomp in time to Frank.
chant "Heel, Toe..." or chant "Oral sex, Anal sex"
or chant "Sex, and violence!"
or chant "Mucal sex, Bestial sex,
Nasal sex, Intraveinous sex!" }
Janet But it... It seems so unhealthy here.
Brad It's just a party, Janet.
Janet Well - I want to go. { "I want to come!" }
Brad Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with
their celebration.
Janet This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more folk { echo "fuck" } dancing.
{ "What do you say when a polar bear tries to fuck you?" }
Janet Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared
{ echo "stupid" or echo "horny" }
Brad I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
{ "WORRY!" or "SCREAM!" or "Except THAT!"
or "It's Blacula in whiteface! Scream, honky, scream!" }
{ "Don't SCREAM, Bitch! Don't SCREAM, Bitch!" repeatedly }
{ (While Brad and Janet are arguing)
stand on chair and begin clapping to the rythm.
When Janet screams and faints scream and then get down }
(Janet screams and faints)
Sweet Transvestite
Frank How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman. { echo "hand-job man" }
He's just a little brought down { echo "knocked up" }
Because when you knocked { "He rang!" or "He came!" }
He thought you were the candyman.
{ echo "vaseline man" or echo "vibrator repair man" }
{ throw CANDY }
Don't get strung out
{ "on drugs" or "like a tampon" or "too late" or "on PCP" }
by the way I look. { "you look like shit" }
Don't judge a book by its cover. { "price that is" }
I'm not much of a man { "No shit!" }
by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
{ echo "I'm one sick mother-fucker!"
or echo "I look just like your mother" }
{ "Take it off! Take it ALL off!" }
I'm a just a sweet transvestite
{ echo "god-damn faggot" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo "From San Francisco, California" }
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound. { echo "play with your mound" }
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
{ echo "Fucking Goofy" "And Micky and Donald"
or "Bull shit!" or "NOT!" }
Or if you want something visual
{ "Like this movie?" or "Try porno" }
That's not too abysmal,
{ "UN-like this movie!" or "Try kiddie porno" }
We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie
{ "Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?"
"Superman's gay brother"
"Did he do pornos?"
or "Much better choice!" }
Brad I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use { echo "abuse" } your phone?
{ echo "fuck your bone?"
or "Castles don't have phones asshole!" }
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
{ echo "We don't/both want to fuck Tim Curry" or "to fuck" }
{ "Left" }
Janet Right. { "Left" }
Brad We'll just say { echo "be gay" or echo "fuck" }
where we are,
Then go back to the car. { echo "fuck in the car" }
We don't want to be any worry
{ echo "I want to fuck Tim Curry"
or echo "If you're horny and you know it,
splash the screen" }
Frank Well you got caught with a flat, { "Janet" } well,
{ "Tough shit" }
{ echo } how 'bout that? { echo "fuck my cat" "miaow" }
Well, babies, don't you panic. { "It's organic" }
By the light of the night it'll all seem all right.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
{ echo "As we sink in the night,
it'll all be alright,
I'll get you a titanic mechanic" "Man the lifeboats!"
or echo "A hispanic mechanic" "Si, senor!"
or "S&M" }
I'm just a sweet transvestite
{ "Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom-boom"
or "coochie coochie coochie" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo "San Fransisco, California" }
Why don't you stay { echo "be gay" } for the night?
Riff Raff { echo } Night. { echo "Sega" }
Frank Or maybe a bite? { echo "Or maybe for life" }
Columbia { echo } Bite.
{ "Bite not lick bitch!"
or "I said a bite,not the whole leg!"
or "Don't bite off more than you can chew!"
"Don't chew more than you can swallow!" }
Frank I could show you my favourite { "perfume" }
obsession. { echo "position" }
{ "Sex!" or "Lazagna!" or "A new fragrence by CK" }
I've been making a man
{ "Not him!" or "You call that a man?" }
With blond hair and a tan
{ echo "With a long dick in his hand"
or echo "With NO hair and NO tan"
or "You call that a tan?" }
And he's good for relieving my...
{ "sexual" or "erection" or "anal" }
tension.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
{ "Check him out..." or "Fuck him with your eyes!" }
{ "Magenta, show us how you use Columbia's leg as a dildo!" }
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
{ echo } HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet transvestite { echo "sweet locomotive" }
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Sweet transvestite
Frank From Transsexual,
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Transylvania.
{ "Do, re, mi, fa..." }
Frank So, { "la, ti, do" or "What?" }
Come up to the lab,
{ "I can't cum that far/high" "I can" }
And see what's on the slab.
{ echo "And fuck me on the slab"
or echo "And get fucked on the slab" }
I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds)
{ "SAY IT!"
or "This movie would suck without audience partici..."
or "SAY IT! You've got consta..."
or "Say it! Say it! Master! Master!"
or "Say it! Say it! Consta! Consta!" }
pation.
{ "What the fuck is masterpation?"
or "That was hard to get out" }
But maybe the rain { "HALLELUJAH!" or "Is in Brad's hair" }
Isn't really to blame.
{ "Amen, brother. Pass the ammo"
or "Or maybe not"
or "No, Sue's to blame (Blane)!" }
So I'll remove the cause... { echo "your clothes" }
(Chuckles)
{ "What about the nasty little symptom?"
or "What about Bart Homer and Marge?"
or "What about OJ and Nicole?" }
But not the symptom. { echo "The Simpsons" }
(applause)
(Brad and Janet are given towels)
{ "What do you say when Frank fucks you?" }
Janet Thank you. { "Janet's on the rag..." }
{ "What do you say when Frank fucks you?" }
Brad Thank you very much. { "So's Brad" or "Fuck you very little" }
{ "Don't forget to wipe your asshole" }
(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)
{ "Here, lemme take your coat...and your dress...
and your pants...and your wallet, and your virginity,
and anything else we can get our hands on!" }
{ "What do you say when Brad tries to fuck you?" }
Janet Oh! Brad!
{ "That's not Brad!" }
Brad It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out
the aces when the time is right.
{ "You call those aces?"
or "We see your aces"
or "Show us your aces, Brad"
"Looks more like a joker to me"
or "Hey, Brad, maybe if you water it, it'll grow"
or "There's Brad's ace. Janet's got a pair!" }
{ "Hey Columbia, how do you give a blow job?"
or "How do you give the Pope a hand job?"
or "How does George Michael jack off?" }
Columbia Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a { "blow" } job to rush.
{ "Yay Rush" }
Brad Hi, my name is Brad Majors,
{ "It's the magical unbuttoning buttoning shirt.
Unbuttoned... BUTTONED! Ah, the magic of editing" }
and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss;
{ "Spell urinate" or "urethra" etc. }
You are... { "I-N-A-T-E asshole!" or "Close enough" }
Columbia You're very lucky to be invited to Frank's laboratory.
{ "Why?" }
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
{ "or their left tit or their eyebrows"
or "Take mine" or "I did" }
Brad People like you maybe?
Columbia Ha! I've seen it. { echo "I don't do laundry!" }
{ "Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!" }
(Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the
bottle, and lets it drop after Magenta says "Shift it!")
{ "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a
frontal lobotomy" }
Magenta Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
{ "Hey Magenta, what do you do when your five speed
vibrator is stuck in neutral?"
or "What do you do with an uncomfortable cock?" }
Shift it!
{ "Drop it!" or "Hey Riff, that's Zima!"
or "We will drop no wine before its time" }
(Riff drops the bottle)
{ "Thank you!"
or "Must've been its time"
or "Riff has a drinking problem, he can't hold his liquor"
"No! He can hold his liquor, it's just the bottle
that's so damn slippery"
or chant "Riff can't hold his liquor"
or "Alcohol abuse!" }
{ "Hey Riff, show us your serious look - thank you"
or "Hey Riff, no smiling in the elevator!"
or "Hey, no smiling in my fucking elevator"
"No fucking in my smiling elevator" }
{ "Look the other way!" }
(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
{ "First floor, lamps and shit"
or "First floor, lighted pineapples shaped like dildos,
and dildos shaped like lighted pineapples" }
{ "Second floor, stupid questions"
or "Second floor, boring conversation"
or "Second floor, midget floor" }
Janet Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?
{ "Third floor, stupid answers" }
Riff Raff The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever shall be.
{ "That's because you're going to kill him before the end
of th... Ooops, sorry, did I just ruin it?" }
{ "Who are you then?" }
We are simply his { "sex slaves" }
servants. { "same thing" }
{ "Fourth floor, stupid giggles" }
Janet Oh.
{ "Fifth floor, total darkness"
or "Fifth floor, Stevie Wonder's dressing room.
Don't worry, he didn't see it either"
or "Fifth floor, total darkness and masturbating
politicians" }
{ "Sixth floor, Kermit the frog in drag" }
{ "Who's that sailor dressed in green?
That's not a sailor, it's a gay marine. Sound off 1-2..." }
{ chant "Green and Sexy..." }
{ "Helllooo nurse!" }
{ "It's the Liberal-Cabinet/Clinton-Cabinet/
Conservative-Government"
or "We are the world, we are the children..."
or "We are the world, we are the wasted"
or "We are the world, we are the extras"
or "It's the Tucson Police Department in dress uniforms"
or "Hey look... Its the O.J. Simpson jury!"
or "We are the world... support abortion!"
or "It's the B-52's! All 52 of them!"
or "Who the fuck invited Coolio?" to black Transylvanian
or "Look! It's Princess Di's funeral!" }
{ "One day all this will be yours" }
{ "Ladies and gentleman, the music of Dick Hartley!"
or "I hear Dick Hartley composed this music on an ocarina!"
or (in synch with music) "Same... Three... Notes..."
(repeat over and over) }
{ "Look at those well hung speakers"
"Like you were looking at the speakers" }
{ "Invisible men first, Sluts second... Assholes third...
Servants, Groupies, and Dykes to the rear.
Side-step it, bitch!" }
{ "My, but those speakers are well-hung"
"You would notice" "I would know!" }
{ "Look, it's Ken and Barbie, with action-grip!
Anatomically correct!" }
{ "Here's your urine sample, master"
or "Here master, I give you my best urine sample now
so you can spill it on me later" }
{ "WHAT is your favourite color?"
or "What color is your dick after masturbating with
a cheese grater for six and a half hours straight?"
or "What color is your dick after thirty blow jobs?"
or "Hey Frank, what color is your foreskin?" }
Frank Magenta,
{ "Ooooh! you should have that looked at" }
{ "WHAT is the capital of Assyria?"
or "Where do you get your drugs/pot?"
or "What do you call Peter Falk in drag?" }
Columbia
{ "WHAT is your quest?" or "good place" or "Thai's better!" }
go assist Riff Raff. { echo "woof-woof" }
{ "Oh, okay, you may cross" }
{ "He can't get it up by himself"
"He needs six hands!"
or "Why can't he jerk-off by himself?" }
I will entertain...
{ "The cameraman with the world's largest hand job"
or "Get that thing out of my face,
I don't know where it's been" "I do"
or "Reach out and touch someone"
or "Ken and Barbie go to hell" }
uh huh huh... (chuckle) { "What are you laughing at?" }
(camera shows Brad) { "Oh, now we see" }
{ "He's not reaching for your hand, Brad" }
Brad Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". { "Slut" }
{ "Tight as a vice and twice as nice,
but not as nice as Janet Weiss" }
Janet Weiss.
Brad Weiss? um
{ "Say something in French"
or "Frank, do you speak French?"
or "How do you say 'big tits' in French?"
"Le grande mamans!" }
Frank Enchante.
{ "Your hand smells like tuna" }
(Janet giggles) { "Reunite on ice" }
{ "What does that mean?" or "What do you think of her tits?" }
Frank Well! How nice.
{ "That's not what it means!"
or "Bullshit, I took French... what's it really mean?" }
And what charming underclothes you both have.
{ "That's what it means!" }
{ "They're underoos! The underwear that's fun to wear.
And even more fun to eat off"
or "They're underoos! And Janet's wonderslut!
I wonder about that slut..." }
But here. Put these (smocks) on.
{ "What the fuck's a 'these on'?"
"The opposite of a 'those on'"
"What the fuck's a 'those on'?"
"The opposite of a 'these on'" }
{ "And take these off" }
They'll make you feel less
{ "Naked" or "Fuckable" } vulnerable { "Same thing" }
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality
{ echo "Horse-brutality" }
{ "Get tough, Brad!" }
Brad Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone,
Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
{ "Horse-brutality! All we wanted to do was use your
goats gawahawahd dammit!
A bestial request which you've chosen to ignore!"
or "Yeah and my sitcom is better than yours!" }
{ "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane,
it's a corpse, it's..." }
Janet Brad, don't be ungrateful. { "Slut!" }
Brad Ungrateful!
(Brad removes his glasses)
{ "It's super-asshole!"
"No, It's John Denver playing Brad Majors in the
Rocky Mountain Picture Show"
or "No, it's HE-MAN, masturbator of the Universe!"
or "No, it's a bird. Look at his chest"
or "Superman!"
or "Faster than a speeding fart"
"More powerful than a roll of charman"
"Able to leap tall outhouses in a single bound"
"look...up in the sky...its...its...its"
"SUPER-ASSHOLE" }
{ "Janet, there's a spider on your face!
Are you giving it head?"
or "Hey Janet, there's a spider fucking your face!"
"Leave her alone, she's giving it a blow job..." }
Frank How forceful you are, Brad.
{ "Describe Barbara Bush"
or "Describe K.D. Lang"
or "Describe Hillary Clinton!" }
Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... { "big" }
dominant. (crowd has a flurry of laughs)
{ "If he's so dominant, why does she need glasses?" }
{ "Check it out - Cover your dominance, Brad"
or "Hey Brad, your dominance is showing" }
You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
{ "Are you a slut?" or "Lie Janet" or "She doesn't know"
or "Are you having sex with your mother?"
or "Are you a cheap slut who fakes orgasms?" }
Janet Well, yes I am. (giggles)
{ "Thought so" }
Frank Do you have tattoos, Brad?
{ "How do you tattoo an asshole?"
"With a really small needle"
or "You can't tatto an asshole!"
"Sure you can, you just use a lot of really tiny pricks"
or "Show him the Teddy bear"
or "Show him the working fire hydrant!"
or "Hey Brad, do you like women?" }
Brad Certainly not!
Frank Oh well, how about you? (to Janet)
{ "How about you, Janet. Do you like women?" }
Janet No. (giggling)
{ "Show him the battleship/anchor on your chest!" }
Riff Raff Everything is in readiness, master. { "bater" }
We merely await your (pause)
{ "Orgasm" or "Erection" or "Sperm"
or "ejaculation" "It's in the glass" "Shit, split it..."
"And that was my best suit!" }
word.
(Frank spills wine on Riff)
{ "That was my new suit! That was my only suit!
I bought it for my sister's bat mizva"
or "Aww shit, I just had that hump cleaned yesterday,
And I still can't decide what side it's on!" }
{ "When's the orgy and who's invited?" }
Frank Tonight, my unconventional conventionists...
{ "Hey, that's US!" }
you are to witness a new breakthrough
in biochemical { echo "biosexual" } research...
and paradise is { "lost" } to be mine...
{ "In the navel..." "Lower Lower" "In the navel..." }
It was strange the way it happened...
suddenly you get a break...
{ "Snap that rubber and scare the shit out of yourself" }
whole pieces start to fit into place,
{ "Like a dick up your ass"
or "Sounds like sex to me, or at least correct sex" }
not a sign of being...
{ "suck on me" or "What's Dan Quaile?" }
what a fool! { "fool with me" }
The answer was there all the time
{ "42" or "69" or "What was the question?"
or "I love you and hope you love me!" }
it took a small accident to make it happen...
{ "What did your parents call you?"
or "What's in your pants?" or "Where were you conceived?"
or "A what?" or "What was your birth?" }
AN ACCIDENT! { echo "In a Volkswagen!" }
Magenta & Columbia An accident!
Frank And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient
{ "Who gives the best blow jobs on the Enterprise?"
or "Who did you lose your virginity to?"
or "Who is your favourite actor in Star-Trek?" }
that spark { echo "Spock"
"No, it's McCoy, that's why they called him 'Bones'"
"No, it's Ohura, her name says it all"
"No, it's Data, he's fully functional"
"No, it was Wesley"
"No, it was Gynan, she's a gynancologist"
"No, it's Odo, he's form fitting"
"No, it's Worf, his head is ribbed for your pleasure"
"Mine's Kirk, he gets to fuck the green bitch"
"Mine's the green bitch, she gets to fuck Kirk"
"Mine's Checkov, he's got the nicest vessels"
"Mine's Scotty, he's giving her all he got"
"Mine's Geordi, what he can't see can't hurt him"
or "You lost your virginity to Spock? That's dirty
Did you know that Vulcans can only get it up
once every seven years?" }
that is the breath of life...
{ "Are you gonna fuck everyone in the audience tonight?"
or "Can you deep-throat a salami?" }
Yes,
{ "Do you know about gay sex and bondage?"
or "Do you know how to fuck camels upside down underwater?"
or "Do you have that knowledge?"
or "Do you know how to reprogram my VCR?" }
I have that knowledge... { echo "I've been to college!" }
{ "What deodorant do you use that's strong enough for a man
but made for a woman?"
or "What do you hold under your arm?"
or "What do you hold between your thighs?" }
I hold the secret... { echo "a pizza" }
{ "To life?" }
to life...
{ chant "To Life, To Life Lechaim" }
{ "Itself?" }
itself!
{ cheers }
{ "Spelling bee... sound off: F" or "F" }
You see...
{ "No, I'm blind!"
or "K! Can't spell it, can't do it"
or "K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E Fucky mouse, Dildo duck..." }
you are fortunate
{ "That I'm blind?!?!" }
for tonight is the night that
my beautiful creature is destined to be born! { echo "fucked" }
{ "At the count of your favourite sexual position,
throw open the red curtain and yell 'fuck' in chinese...
67, 68, 69..."
or "How do you say 'fuck' (backwards) in chinese?"
"Fuck you, Yankee dog!"
or "Frank! Would you rather fuck a chicken or a duck?" }
Hoopla!
{ "It's tampon-man and he's self inserting"
or "LOOK! Its Rodney King"
or "It's a Stop-N-Go super burrito!"
or "It's the world's largest tampon!"
or "I'm stuck on band-aids, cause band-aid's stuck on me" }
{ "Rocky had a wet dream" "Rocky IS a wet dream" }
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...
{ echo "on your mother's vibrator"
or echo "Throw open the sonic oc... 'Oh dounughts...'"
or "Not the sonic oscillator!" }
{ "First one's easy, second one's a bitch"
or "One magic dildo. Put your wrist into it!
Two magic dildos" }
{ "What were the last words at Chernobyl?" }
and step up the reactor power three more points!
{ echo "THREE MORE TRIANGLES!"
or "And as Jay Leno would say..."
echo "THREE MORE DORITOES!" }
{ "Don't turn that, it'll make steam come out of your ass!"
or "He's working so hard, steam's coming out of his ass!
Save it for dinner!" }
{ "I think I can, I think I can"
or "I hate this scene, I hate this scene"
or "I hate this job, I hate this job" }
{ "Put your hump into it, Riff" }
{ "Pigs in spaaace..."
or "Dick's eye view of a blowjob!" }
{ "OK, Whoever's fucking with the lights - Please stop it!" }
Janet Oh brad!
Brad It's all right { echo "tight" }
Janet. { "I brought a condom" }
{ "Smile if you're horny, Riff" }
{ "I know I can, I know I can" }
{ "Hey Frank, how big is your dick and don't exaggerate" }
{ "What's that statue doing?" }
{ "Put your back into it Riff. No, your other back!" }
{ "I knew I could, I knew I could" }
(colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow,
Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet)
{ "Red hearts, Orange stars, Yello moons, Green Clovers,
Blue diamonds, more blue diamonds, Purple horseshoes" }
{ "The secret to life is FOOD COLORING!" }
{ "Its Rainbow Brite on her peroid" }
{ "Is it soup yet?" "It's not soup 'till the microwave
explodes" "Soup's on"
or "Is it done yet?" "No!" "What does it need?"
"Curry" "What kind of Curry?" "Tim Curry!"
or "Is it soup yet?" "No, need's more curry..."
"What kind of curry?" "Tim Curry!" }
(Rocky emits some guttural garbage)
{ "Rocky has parkinson's!" }
{ "And tampon-man lives! Does he reach for his first woman?"
"No" "Does he reach for his first beer?" "No"
"He reaches for his first screw"
or
"Look! It's Rocky's first screw!" "Too bad, it's a bolt!"
"It's a screw!" "It'd a bolt!"
"Tastes great!" "Less filling!"
"Tastes great!" "Less filling"
"It's filling enough for Janet!"
or
"Only seven seconds old and already searching for a screw,
but all he found were his nuts!"
"What a riveting experience" "What a lousy pun..." }
{ "And tampon-man stands fully erect" }
{ "Oh my God, he only has one ass! He is of NO use to me!" }
{ "And now Rocky will demonstrate to the audience how to
walk with a hard-on" }
{ "Give him some head Riff. Give him a GOOD head this week" }
{ "What do you day when someone puts gravel in your
K-Y jelly?" }
{ "It's... It's... It's... Ricky Schroder!" }
Frank Oh! Rocky!
{ "No! Ricky!" }
The Sword of Damocles
Rocky The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, { "Breathe!" }
{ "It's a chandelier!" }
And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be
cutting the thread. { echo "giving me head" }
{ "What thread, it's a F***ing chandelier!" }
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
{ echo "I missed-my/need-a lobotomy"
or echo "my dick is too small to see!"
or echo "I think that I need to pee!"
or echo "his dick is as big as a tree!" }
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty
big downer. { echo "boner" }
{ echo "...that I've got the start of a pretty big boner"
or echo "...that I'm at the start of a really bad movie" }
I woke up this morning
with a start when I fell out of bed.
{ echo "and I got myself a beer"
or echo "with a big, hairy guy named Fred"
or echo "with my dick hanging out of the bed" }
{ "What do you think about raping little old ladies?" }
All That ain't no crime.
{ "Yes it is, he's underage!" }
Rocky And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
All That ain't no crime.
{ "Watch out with those SCISSORS!" }
Rocky My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
{ echo "no one to blow" }
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh ho no no
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
All That ain't no crime.
Rocky And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting
the thread.
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh no no no
{ "Oh my god, there's a fag chasing after me" }
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
{ "Get out of my way, you fat bitch!" }
Rocky Oh no no no
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky Oh no no no
(repeat until end - Sha-la-la)
All Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
no crime,
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't
no crime,
Sha-la-la.
Frank Well really. { "Yes, really" }
That's no way to behave on your first day out.
{ "of the closet" }
Rocky Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)
{ "Aw, look at his dick and forgive him"
or "Are you gonna forgive him?"
or "What about his exceptional beauty?"
or "Look at his thighs and forgive him"
"He's not looking at his thighs" }
Frank But since you're such an exceptional beauty,
I am prepared to forgive you.
{ "Hey Rocky, how do you masturbate siamese twins?"
"Don't forget the twist!" "OOOWWWW!!!" }
{ "If you're horny and you know it beat your bars,
if you're horny and you know it
and you really want to show it,
if you're horny and you know it beat your bars"
or "If you're horny and you know it,
Then you're groin will really show it..."
"If you're horny and you DON'T know it,
then you're really fucked up"
or "If you're horny and you know it,
then you're groin will really show it..." }
{ "Grab them and twist them and call them George"
or "Don't forget the double-fisted titty twister!" }
Rocky Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky bangs his bars)
Frank Oh, I just love success. { echo "cheap sex" }
{ "You love anything with SUCk and SEX in it"
or "Sex sex sex"
or "No, you like to suck-seed" }
Riff Raff He's a credit to your genius, { echo "penis" } master.
{ "That's one" }
Frank Yes.
Magenta A triumph of your will.
{ "That's two" }
Frank Yes.
Columbia He's O.K. { echo "He's not gay" }
{ "Yes..." }
{ "O.K? You blew it bitch" }
Frank O.K.
{ "Hey Frank, how do you kill roaches?" }
{ "Kill the smurf! La La LaLaLa... movie 3 smurfs nothing" }
(hits tank)
{ "That's no way to kill roaches" }
{ "Get your tits off my tank!"
or "Get your pre-pubescent tits off my multi-colored
fishtank, you slickhead BITCH!" }
O.K.!
{ "Can you do better than that? "
or "What do you think of Bill Clinton?"
or "What did you say to your agent when you did 'Congo'" }
I think we can do better than that. Humph!
{ "Ask Brad and Janet" "It's an asshole poll"
or "Why don't you ask Ken and Barbie?"
or "Why don't you ask Asshole and Darkhole, that's
what they're here for"
or "Don't ask Janet, look who she's with" }
Well, Brad and Janet, { "Tap tap tap, snort!" }
what do you think of him?
{ "Lie bitch"
or "Lie bitch, keep your asshole happy"
or "Lie through your teeth to impress your fiance" }
Janet Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles.
{ "Just one big one, that Brad hasn't got"
or "Just one big one!" "Then why is she with Brad?"
or "Obviously" or "It only takes one!" }
Frank I didn't make him... for you! { "She gets him anyway" }
He carries the Charles Atlas seal { echo "squeal" }
of approval.
{ make seal barking noises }
{ "And he didn't even take the classes!"
or "...on his dick" }
I Can Make You a Man
{ "Describe Brad"
or "Describe Michael Jackson"
or "Describe Bill Clinton and how much pot he smoked
without inhaling" }
Frank A weakling { "That's Brad!" }
weighing ninety-eight pounds
{ "That's two Brads!"
or "That's two Michael Jacksons" "And one Madonna"
or "He had to get a contact high off of that!"
or "Ninety-seven and a half, he jerked-off last night!"
"Ninety seven and three quarters, he swallowed it!" }
Will get sand in his face { "At the beach" }
When kicked to the ground;
{ echo "in the groin" "Don't laugh Rocky, that would hurt" }
Rocky Ugh... Ugh...
Frank And soon in the gym with a determined chin,
{ echo "wipe that cum off his chin" }
{ "what's your favourite drink?" }
The sweat from his pores { echo "balls" }
as he works for his cause { echo "jerks Santa Claus" }
{ "Save the Hunchbacks!" }
{ "Oh great, now he'll think his first name is 'happy'"
or "What's this say? I can't read..." }
{ "Now there's 4 dumbbells on the screen" }
{ "Um, where do you put the batteries?"
"How do you turn these on?" }
Will make him glisten
{ "What's your favourite toothpaste?" }
and gleam. { echo "with vaseline" }
And with massage,
{ "What's for dinner?" }
and just a little bit of { "vaseline" }
steam, { echo "creem" }
{ "Go for the gold! Lower! Lower! Lower!"
"Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!"
"That's why he missed it!" }
He'll be pink and quite clean
He'll be a strong man.
{ "What does cum taste like?"
or "What's your favourite lubricant?"
or "What do Irish bees make?" }
Oh honey...
All But the wrong man.
{ "Oh my GOD, somebody circumsize thst thing
before it kills someone!" }
Frank He'll eat nutritious { "cum" } high protein. { "cum" }
And swallow raw eggs... { echo "cum" }
{ "Same consistency" }
{ "It's the world's largest dildo!" }
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and...
{ "Frank, what's your favourite organ?" }
legs { "Liar!" or "all 3 of them" }
Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days...
{ "And seven nights" or "And six hard-nights"
or "That's a week" or "And 7 ways" or "And one good fuck" }
Frank & Transylvanians I can make you a man.
{ echo "I can make you a fag, just like your dad"
or echo "I can make you eat Spam, out of a can"
or echo "I can make green eggs and haaaam Sam I am" }
{ "Hey, Rocky, give us your best Superman impression!" }
Frank He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
clean and jerk. { "off" }
{ echo "lick Janet's snatch, clean and jerk-off"
"Off! Harder! Harder!" }
{ "Hey, Rocky, give us your best Superman impression!" }
{ "Hey look, Rocky found a hole in the floor"
"Rocky's making a hole in the floor" }
He thinks dynamic tension { "Is dynamic" } must be hard work.
{ "Fuck that horse! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" }
{ "Now that's horse brutality!" }
Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
When in just seven days...
{ "and seven nights" }
I can make you a man.
{ "The next three words have been censored"
or "Oh, no, we got movie sign!" }
(Beep Beep Beep)
{ "Andrew dice clay"
or "Oh, no, we got movie sign!" }
{ "What's the opposite of ooh-ah?" }
Frank Ah... ooh!
{ "Watch out for the door" or "Incoming" }
{ "I'm hot and thirsty" "Hey, Kool-aid man!"
or "Mommy, mommy, I'm hungry. How about some meatloaf?" }
{ "Guess who's coming to dinner?" }
{ "The fat chick heard they were defrosting meatloaf
and came running" }
Columbia EDDIE!
{ "Checklist! Kickstand: check. Goggles: check.
Helmet: check. Attitude: check" }
Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)
{ "If you had half a brain you'd sing!" }
Eddie Whatever happened to Saturday night,
{ "Sunday morning!"
or "We went to the RHPS!"
or "It went Ape-Shit?" "No, that was Fay Wray!"
or "They got rid of Mr. Bill" }
When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light { echo "cow" }
{ "Cosby died?" }
Came into my life,
{ "Why did you blow Hugh Grant?"
or "Why did you eat dog shit?" }
I thought I was divine.
{ "No you're not, you're Meatloaf"
or "You look like Devine" }
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
{ echo "And take her to the Rocky Horror Picture Show" }
A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
{ echo "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll"
or echo "John Belushi's dead in a hole
'cause of sex drugs and rock-n-roll"
or echo "sex, drugs, and eight-year-old"
"sex, drugs, and four-year-old"
"sex, drugs, and embryos"
or echo "anal sex will take its toll"
or echo "Hugh Grant got blown by a mole"
or echo "Suck a titty, smoke a bowl,
Kinky sex with a nine-year-old"
or echo "Snort a line, smoke a bowl"
"Sex, drugs, and four-year-olds"
"Bend over and grease your hole"
"Anal sex will save your soul"
or echo "Smoke a doobie, smoke a bowl"
"at the Rocky Horror Picture Show"
"Pop a cherry, plug a hole"
"sex, drugs, and birth control"
"Anal sex will take its toll"
"ask Newt Gingrich, he should know"
"Hot patootie, bless my soul"
"THIS SONG GETS FUCKING OLD!"
or echo "Lacreesha Murray Bless my soul"
"beat and kill a 2-year-old" }
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
{ "Hey Eddie, how about some good sex?" }
(Sax solo)
{ "You never blew ME that hard!" "You never paid" }
{ "I said good SEX, not good SAX" }
{ "What do you think of the democrats?" }
Transylvanian Lovely party
{ "So THAT'S what happened to Mrs. Howell
from 'Gilligan's Island'"
or "Lousy lip-synch!" }
{ When Eddie stomps: "Eat shit... And die"
or "Kill The Cam-Ra" or "Eat dye and shit colors!" }
My head used to swim from the perfume { echo "finger" }
I smelled. { echo "cocaine i dealt" }
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
{ echo "black garter belt" }
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
{ echo "He'd whisper up my rear tonight it really was mine" }
{ "Psyche!" }
Get back in front, { "Psyche!" }
put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
{ echo "same damn song" }
{ "Kinky Daddy Longlegs" }
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
{ echo "around your guy you'd try to grab his schlong" }
It felt pretty good. { echo "hard" }
{ "Goose the slut!" }
Woo you really had a good time.
{ "Somebode say LOVE! somebody say HATE!" }
{ Before 'hate', "What do you think of this movie?" }
{ "How do you get head from a statue?" }
(a Transylvanian knocks the head off a statue)
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
(for a total of twelve times)
{ when the Transylvanians appear on the screen
"Step, step, step, kick. Step, step, step, kick.
Step, kick, step, kick. Kick, kick, kick kick"
"Who let all these fucking kickers in here?" }
{ when the Transylvanians throw up their hands
"Hey Macarena!" }
{ When Frank goes into the freezer
"Could you get my copy of The Shining out of there please?" }
(Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick)
{ "Please hammer, don't hurt 'im!" }
{ "That's no way to pick your friends!"
or "That's no way to pick your nose!"
or "That's no way to pick your friends"
"I'd hate to see the way you pick your nose/ass"
"I'd hate to see the way you pick your
freind's nose/ass"
or "You can pick your friends, & you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friends' nose -
unless you're Frank;
then you can pick anything you want!"
or "Picky picky picky"
or "Hey Frank, show us your best OJ impersonation"
"No, no, no! OJ ate the white meat, THEN he cut it up!"
or "Don't blame Frank, it's a basic instinct"
or "GO OJ! GO OJ! GO OJ!"
or "Oh my god! They killed Kenny/Eddie! Those bastards!"
"Oh my God! You killed a good line! You Bastards!" }
(Frank emerges from the freezer in a trail of blood
after killing Eddie)
{ "Eddie was a virgin"
or "You should have used a tampon Frank" }
(Frank drops the pick (hammer))
{ "STOP - HAMMERTIME!" }
{ "What's the score between you and the vault
and say it sweetly"
or "What do you say after you suck off a banker?"
or "What's your favourite Grateful Dead album?"
"Does it MATTER Anymore?" }
Frank One from the vaults. (chuckles)
{ "A greaser from the freezer like a bat out of hell" }
{ "Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to
do with used rubbers - turn them inside out and use them
again as teabags/poptarts/boil-them-for-soup/
tea-bags-for-the-Lost-Boys"
or "Magenta know what to do with bloody gloves -
Give them to the LAPD, to put in OJ's van"
or "Plant them behind the guest castle" }
Rocky Ugh...
{ "Master, master, my dick's caught in the door!"
or "I'm pissed. Boy, I'm pissed. I am SO pissed" }
Frank (opens door) { "OUCH! That fucking hurt" }
Oh Baby... { "I thought his name was Oh Rocky!" }
{ "I'm upset!" }
Don't be upset... { "I'm pissed!" }
{ "What did OJ say?"
or "What sort of killing was it?" }
It was a mercy killing...
{ "Mercy, mercy, mercy"
or "Bullshit! A messy killing"
or echo "smurfy killing" "La la lalala...SPLAT!" }
{ Columbia stops screaming
"What the hell are you screaming about?
I was only tenderizing the Meatloaf!" }
he had a certain naive charm,
{ "What did he lack?" }
but no muscle
{ "But what about a muscle?"
or "Show us your muscle, Rock!" }
(Rocky flexes a bicep)
{ "Not that one! The other one" } ...Oh!
I Can Make You a Man (Reprise)
{ "I can't believe it's not" }
Frank But a deltoid and a bicep.
{ "I can't believe it's not... But-ta! Deltiod?" }
{ "What did you have from breakfast?" }
A hot groin and a tricep.
{ Magenta walks onscreen "Ve're number vun!" }
Makes me, oooh,
{ echo "Boggie with a midget"
or echo "Wanna fuck a midget and drink a..." }
shake,
Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the { "Balls" }
...ha-ha-hand.
Frank & Transylvanians In just seven days { "and seven nights" }
I can make you a man.
{ "Step, strut..." }
Frank I don't want no dissention,
Just dynamic tension.
{ "Sing it, bitch!" or "Take it, Janet!" }
Janet I'm a muscle fan.
{ "Shut up bitch! You can't sing"
or "Who taught you the words, bitch?" }
Frank In just seven days, { "and seven nights" }
I can make you a man. { echo "I can digest some spam" }
Dig it if you can { echo "Eat it from the can" }
In just seven days, { "and seven nights" }
I can make you a man.
(Frank and Rocky's wedding march)
{ "Who invited Jimi Hendrix?" }
Transylvanians Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
{ throw CONFETTI }
{ "Assume the position!" }
{ "I say that life is an illusion" }
Narrator There are some who say that life is an illusion,
{ "There are those who say your neck's an illusion!"
or "Like your neck" }
and reality is but a figment of the imagination.
{ "So's your fucking neck" }
If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe.
{ "So's your fucking neck!" or "Unlike your fucking neck!" }
...however,
{ "There's ALWAYS a 'however'" }
the sudden departure of their host... { echo "your neck" }
and his { "neck" } creation... { "And his neck, too!" }
into the seclusion of his somber bridal
suite { echo "suite" } and left them feeling
{ "neckless" or "horney" }
both apprehensive and uneasy, { "And neckless" }
a feeling which grew
{ "unlike your neck" } as the other guests departed,
and they were shown to their separate rooms.
{ "You make it sound so dirty" }
(Janet and Brad are shown to their separate rooms by Riff
Raff and Magenta)
(Janet enters room)
{ "Pink is for virgins,but red is for sluts!
watch out for the slut-eating basin!" }
{ "Look, Janet's water broke"
or "Watch out for that slut detector...
beep beep beep beep BUZZ"
or "Look out, there's holy water in that bowl!"
"Burns, don't it bitch" }
{ Frighten Janet, "BOO!", and then "Sit! Sit!" }
{ "He sees you when you're sleeping,
he knows when you're awake,
He knows if you've been fucking Brad,
and when you masturbate!
Hey Janet, there's a dildo on the bed right there!
Works every time"
or "Hey, Transylvanian HBO! (I want my MTV!)"
"HBO - homosexual box office!" }
(Brad enters room)
{ "Blue is for assholes!" }
{ "Same room, different filter. What a cheap movie"
"Same line, different week. What a cheap audience"
or "Brad knows about the basin - he was here last week!"
or "Brad knows where to holy water is" }
(knock)
{ "Imitation asshole calling, 20% MORE filling!" }
{ Clap hands on 'one'
"Rocky Horror sex scene, take one! Pink filter"
or "Never worry, Never fear,
Frank the wonder fuck is here!
Fat or skinny, thick or thin, Frankie always gets it in!
Two, four, six, eight, Frankie's fucks are always great!
Yeah, Frankie!"
or "...
Long of short or thick or thin, Vaseline will get it in!
..." }
{ "Just like hamburger helper, just add the meat" }
(howling)
{ "Shut up, Magenta"
or "Sounds like someone's getting Mideaval on Scooby Doo"
or "There must be a dentist's office next door" }
Janet Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?
{ "It's the milkman!"
or "It's the plumber. I've come to lay some pipes"
or "It's the electrician. I've come to measure your amp" }
Frank (Brad) It's only me, Janet.
Janet Oh, Brad darling, come in. { "And out and in and out and in" }
{ "She said come in, not come on!" }
Oh! Brad, Oh Brad. Yes, my darling... but what if...
{ "Don't worry, I brought a rubber!" }
Frank (Brad) It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be all right.
{ "Don't fuck with the hair!" }
Janet Oh, I hope so, my darling.
{ "Has anyone seen my gerbil, Hugh?" }
Oh... Ah... ahh OHHH! Oh, it's you!
{ "You're right, it IS Hugh!" }
{ "We told you not to fuck with the hair!"
or "It's a dead tribble" }
{ "Give me back my tribble, Janet" }
Frank I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
{ "No, but it certainly is Weiss" }
Janet Oh, you beast, you monster...
Oh what have you done with Brad?
{ "Nothing yet, he's saving the best for last" }
Frank Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?
Janet You tricked... I wouldn't have... { "Yes you would!" }
I've never... never...
{ "Never? Never ever? Never ever ever?"
or "Virgin!"
or "will win the Oscar" }
{ "What about the football team, boy scouts, and the girl
scouts, and the chearleading squad" etc...
or "What about the football team?
We never found the goalkeeper"
"That was just practice" }
Frank Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?
{ "It isn't Brad either" }
I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Janet Oh, stop... { "Don't, stop, don't stop, don't stop" }
I mean help... Brad Brad!... Oh Brad!!
{ "He's not down there. He's never been down there" }
Frank Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now.
Do you want him to see you
{ "How do you fuck small farm animals?" }
like... This!
{ "Assume the position" }
Janet Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame...
{ "No, Sue's to blame, doesn't anybody read the credits?" }
Oh... I was saving myself...
{ "For what? A rainy day? Look outside bitch, it's pouring" }
Frank Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...
{ "Anybody got a change for a penny?"
"I've got a credit-card"
or "For a nickel, I will"
or "Spend me, spend me, but leave me enough for the bus home"
or "Spend her, spend her, make a deposit"
"Spend him, spend him, make a withdrawal" }
Janet Promise you won't tell Brad? { "Slut!" }
{ "Typical (city) girl"
or "I guess so, but is it okay if I fuck his
brains out anyway?" }
Frank Cross my heart and hope to die...
{ "And you will!"
or "Stick a dildo in my eye, shut your mouth
and spread you thighs" }
{ "Kick if you like it"
or "Watch out, she kicks" }
{ "OK! Now she's a SLUT!" }
(assorted sexual noises)
{ "I'm so glad we had this time together..." }
(Scene with Riff Raff and Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
{ "And here we have lovely Miss Magenta,
who's mopping her floor the quick
and easy way with new Mop 'n Glo,
while next door Mrs. Hapshatt has been
on her hands and knees all day long...
but she's not mopping the floor!"
or "Hey, Magenta. I've got a great idea. You stand
here and fuck yourself with the mop, and I'll go
give the monster a hot wax enema. All that in
one glance. God, I love that man. Great ass, too"
"Here take this bloody rag, you'll need it more
than I will. He's so fine and he's all mine"
or "You fuck with the mop, I'll fuck with the monster" }
{ "Hey Magenta! Over here! Look! MAGENTA! Hi"
or "Hey Magenta, there's a lesbian in the back row" }
{ When Magenta looks at Riff as he's leaving:
"Look at my brother, he's so fine..."
or "I know he's my brother, but god he's got a cute ass"
or "Isn't my brother dreamy/sexy?"
"He's so fine and he's all mine"
or "It's the Humchback and the Nutty Dame" }
(Riff Raff walks over to rocky)
{ "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah
Riff Raff does it twice as fast, oh doo-dah-day..."
"Leave him alone! He's blowing Atlas"
or "Servants entrance in the rear, oh, doo-dah-day..."
or "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah
Riff Raff hopes he don't pass gass, oh the doo-dah-day.
Gonna fuck all night, gonna fuck all day.
Big or small, thick or thin, candlewax will get it in" }
{ "That's why they call them butlers" }
{ "He's got the whole world on his shoulders..." }
{ "Can you spot the black hole in the golden arches?" }
{ "I want to see that muscle twitch! Thank you!" }
{ "What's hot, white and sticky?"
"Candle wax, but I like the way you think"
or "Not the 30-pronged dildo!" "You light up my life" }
(Riff Raff grabs the candelabra)
{ "Come on baby light my fire..." }
{ "Long or short, thick or thin, a vaseline will get it in.
On your back, or on your belly,
things go best with KY jelly
But that candelabra will NEVER EVER fit"
or "I know what you're thinking and it won't fit!"
or "Hey, are you friend or enema?" "ENEMA MOTHERFUCKER!" }
{ "No, not the Liberace treatment!" }
(Riff Raff scares Rocky with the candelabra)
{ "Ugh! Fire bad!"
or "Happy Hanukah, Rocky!"
or "Riff Raff says... HAPPY HANUKAH MOTHER FUCKER!!!" }
{ "How 'bout a little fire, scarecrow?"
or "FIRE! FIRE!" }
{ "Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me" }
{ "This is no time to be yanking your chain" }
{ "Looks like it's curtains for the butler" }
(Rocky runs away)
(Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)
{ "It's 'Rocky Kong Jr.'" }
{ "Mr. SULU, fire photon torpedo number one"
or "One for the road"
or "You forgot your free sample!" }
(Riff throws candle)
{ "Hey, sis, watch me make a table out of thin air" }
(sets down candelabra)
{ "Elbow sex... Elbow sex..."
or "Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!"
or "I'm so glad we have this time to-gether!" }
{ "If you do it with your sister, you won't get a blister"
"If you do it with your brother, you won't get another"
"If you can't keep it in your pants, at least
keep it in the family"
or "Incest is best, put your sister to the test"
"The closer the relation, the deeper the penetration" }
{ "Hey, there's a cockroach on Magenta's ne...
oh, you found it" }
{ "Riff Raff is a vampire!"
or "She's so tight, she squeaks!"
or "Suck her till she squeaks, Riff"
or "Give her a hicky! I said a hicky, not a blood transfusion"
or "Hey, brother, can you help me pop this zip on my back
that I just can't reach?" }
{ "Where's the bathroom?!" "Bathroom's to the left. LEFT!"
or "Run, Forest, Run!" }
{ Claps hands on 'two.'
"Rocky Horror sex scene, take two! Blue filter"
or "Never worry Never fear, Frank the wonder fuck is here!" }
{ "Hey asshole, what time is it?" }
Frank (Janet) Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.
Brad Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
{ "Someone close the curtain please" }
Frank (Janet) Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
{ "Like a good condom!" }
{ "Don't fuck with the hair!" }
Brad Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!
{ "Who'd you expect?" }
Frank I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...
{ "It isn't Weiss either" or "It's not even Weiss" }
Brad Why YOU! What have you done with Janet?
{ "Fucked the shit out of her, twice"
or "Fucked the shit out of her - and now I'm gonna
fuck the shit back INTO you!" }
Frank Nothing. Why? Do you think I should? { "Liar!" or "Again?" }
Brad You tricked me, I wouldn't have... { "Yes you would!" }
never never... never...
{ "Never? Never ever? Never ever ever?"
or "Only fairies do it in never-never land!" }
{ "What about the football team, boy scout pack 69, and
the girl scouts, and the chearleading squad" etc...
or "What about the football team?
We never found the catcher's mitt"
"What about the hockey team? We never found the zamboni"
or "What about the Boy Scouts? What about the Cub Scouts?
I hear you're up to three packs a day!" }
Frank Oh yes yes, I know... but it isn't all bad, is it?
{ "No, but this time it's ALL Brad!" }
Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.
(Brad starts moaning)
Frank Oh... so soft...
{ "Don't, stop, don't stop, don't stop!" }
Brad Stop it... stop it... oh Janet... JANET!
{ "She's not down there, she's never been down there" }
Frank Janet's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you
{ "How do you fuck boy scouts?"
or "How do you fuck LARGE barn animals?" }
like THIS? { "assume the position" }
{ "How many licks does it take to get to the center
of an asshole?"
"One...Two...Three...CRUNCH!" }
(Brad sits up and yells)
Brad Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,
{ "No, Sue's to blame, read the credits" }
I thought it was the real thing! { "It is!" }
{ "Look, Brad's got a tit on his back, and it's bigger
than Janet's" "Must be great for dancing"
or "Hey Brad, why is there a tit on your back?" }
Frank Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?
{ "He LOVED it!" }
It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure,
{ "It is in Ohio"
or "Not in this state"
or "It is in Oklahoma! EVERYTHING'S a crime in Oklahoma/NJ,
unless you're wearing your seatbelt"
"But we don't give a fuck!"
or "It is in Nebraska!(Iowa, wherever)"
"But we do it anyway!"
or "It's a misdemeanor.
The more I miss, de meaner I get" }
Brad.
{ "Road trip, I'm driving, bend over" }
We've wasted so much time already...
Janet needn't know, I won't tell her...
Brad Well, promise you won't tell...
{ "Where do you have sex, Frank?" }
Frank On my mother's graoouuuuu...
{ "Don't talk with your mouth full!" }
{ "Brad didn't want to be gay, he just got sucked into it" }
{ "How do you say 'fuck' in Morse code?" }
(Beep Beep Beep...)
Riff Raff Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. { "POOF" }
Your new playmate is loose { "Well, we KNEW it was loose..." }
{ "Who's pointing at Riff's ear?"
"Mickey Mouse"/"Mickey Mouse's hand" }
and somewhere on the castle grounds...
{ echo "and somewhere on the drugstore shelves"
or echo "in the coffee grounds'" }
Magenta has just released the dogs... { echo "her sisters" }
{ "Pink, purple and fuscia" }
{ "Look, E.T.'s giving us the finger! Fuck you E.T.!" }
{ "What are you doing, Frank?"
or "What's Brad doing in your mouth?" }
Frank Mmmm? Coming!
{ "So's Brad! No he isn't! now he is" shoot SILLY STRING up
or "So's Brad!" "That's redundant" "So is this movie"
or "How many licks does it take to get to the center
of an asshole? One...Two...Three...CRUNCH!" }
{ "It's the three faces of Janet Weiss with the same
fucking tear" }
Janet What's happening here?
{ "Nothing" or "Switch!" or "Bad editing!" }
Where's Brad? { "Fucking" or "Switch" } Where's ANYbody?
{ "Fucking" or "I'm anybody!" }
(Rocky is running outside chased by dogs)
{ "RAIN! RAIN!" }
{ "Where's the bathroom?"
or "Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and Bits, we're
gonna get us some Kibbles and Bits"
or "Nipples and Tits, Nipples and Tits,
we're gonna get us some Nipples and Tits" }
{ "Run O.J.! RUN! You can make it!"
or "Run, Forest, run" }
Oh, Brad. { "Oh Janet" } Brad, my darling,
{ "Janet my slut" or "Janet my fish" }
how could I have done this to you?
{ "It was easy, but it would have been easier without
the pantyhose"
or "On your back and through your pantyhose"
"Gee, I bet her toes are curled" }
Oh! { "Drip Drip Drip SPLASH! Wet feet" "How I like 'em" }
{ "Chicken legs! Women drivers, no survivors" }
{ "Not the 'if only's" }
If only we hadn't made this journey...
{ echo "...this movie" or "But you did!" }
if only the car hadn't broken down...
{ echo "...the plot hadn't broken down" or "But it did!"
or echo "...her tits would fall out of that bra"
"But they won't" }
if only we were amongst friends...
{ or "But you ARE!" or "Two out of three aint bad"
or in a Bette Davis voice "but ya aren't among friends,
blanche, ya aren't!" }
Or sane persons,
{ echo "...or real actors"
or echo "...or a sane cast"
or "If only George Michael could have waited
til he got home!" }
{ "Get tough bitch!" }
Oh Brad, Oh Brad, what have they done with him...
{ "Cut out his big song!"
or "Painted in blue, put him in a box" }
(she sees him on TV with Frank)
{ "Look! It's true! Assholes DO smoke after sex"
"And Brooke Shields is not impressed"
or "I didn't know Brad smokes"
or "This only goes to show,
the only thing you get out of anal sex
is a smoking asshole"
or "Yes, it's true. Brad smokes vagina slimes after sex"
or "And if you smoke after sex, then you're doing
it WAY too fast"
"If you smoke during sex, you're going to slow" }
Oh, Brad, Oh Brad - How could you?
{ "It was easy, no pantyhose" }
{ "She's only upset 'cause she can't jump that high" }
{ "That's what the ladder's for"
"Nice handle!"
"That's right, there's more than 50 ways to love your lever"
"And Janet only knows 33"
or
"Why is Janet so upset? She knows what she wants,
she holds it in her hands,
she's just too dumb to use the ladder to reach it!"
or "Janet is a Liverpooler!" }
{ "If you're looking for relief, there's a dildo on the wall" }
(she fondles lever)
{ "Fifty ways to love your lever" }
{ "Cheap sex to the left, Janet. LEFT!"
or "Hey, there's a monster over here with a dick THIS big.
And it vibrates. That's right, come and get it..."
or "Miss Sarandon, your agent's on the phone.
Says he can get you out of this bomb"
or "Week after week, I have to listen to you cry and moan.
Well I'm sick of it. Damnit, look at me when I'm talking
to you! Come here, there's a monster that wants to fuck
you..." }
(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
{ "Oh great, now you woke the baby,
now you gotta breast feed him"
"That's why she woke him" }
{ "Leave him alone, he's monsterbating!
Aw shit, caught again" }
(Rocky gets up)
{ "Who said that masturbation wasn't a dirty business?"
or "Ladies and gentleman, the sins of masturbation:
friction burns"
or "I thought cum was white?" "That's last week's"
"Oh, sperm burns..."
or "I told ya lady, the car won't be ready 'til thursday" }
Janet Oh, but you are hurt...
{ "No shit, Sherlock"
or "Of course I'm hurt!
He hasn't come, he didn't call" }
Did they do this to you?
{ "No, it's self inflicted"
or "No, I did it to myself with my Ronco beat-o-matic"
or "No, I did it to myself, and I liked it too!"
or "They sure did, the snivelling shits!"
or "No, the make-up man did"
or "No (Police-department/politician) did!" }
I'll dress your wounds...
{ "And then undress you" or "And undress mine"
or "Are you dressing his wounds or undressing your womb?"
"He's got more hurt than you've got skirt"
"He's got more scratch than you've got snatch"
or "Hey Janet, make me a 3-piece suit! Janet's into bandage" }
{ "Who's the dick in the middle?" "It's the penis between us" }
baby there...
(Janet rips her skirt and dress Rocky's wound)
{ "The mini's back!" }
let me make it all better.
{ "I've got more hurt than you've got skirt"
"He's got more rip than you've got slip"
"And he wants a three piece suit and a body cast" }
{ "Hi, my name is Rocky Horror. Wanna fuck?" "Schwing" }
{ "Hey Janet - look three ways and smile if you wanna fuck"
or "Hey, Janet. Smile if you want your eyes, ears, nose,
and throat fucked severely in a darkened room by forty-
seven great danes wired for electricity and gutted with
mayonnaise!"
or "Janet, are you gonna fuck Rocky or the audience?
Rocky...or the audience..?
YES! the audience wins again!"
or "He's no baby, and he'll prove it to you!
Everybody, 1-2-3... Hey Janet, ya wanna fuck,
or just sit on his face and wiggle?
Give us that cock sucker puckker,
that dick licker snicker, and smile if you're horny!"
or "Hey Janet, wanna fuck? Janet, if you're horny,
look three ways, smile,
and think of emotion in a man's voice"
or "Janet, being a careful and conscientious slut,
always looks both ways before fucking"
or "Janet, being the conscientious and well-trained slut,
looks both ways before fucking strange musclemen.
Left? Check. Right? Check. It's all clear, Janet,
go for it" }
{ "Chucky Gray's neck: Now you see it, now you don't"
or "His face is so big, we could all sit on his face
and wiggle violently... But who would want to?!"
or "What's your favorite Mariah Carey song?"
or (Aerosmith) "Sweeet..." }
Narrator Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...
Vehement or excited mental state.
{ "And you can only read about it, Shitlips!"
or "Look that up in your Fuck & Wagnall's" }
It is also a powerful and irrational master...
{ echo "mouthwash" }
and from what Magenta
{ echo "Magenter" "What's a 'magenter'?"
"one who magents" "How do you magent?"
"With both hands, and 2 'D'-cell batteries" }
and Columbia eagerly viewed on the television monitor
there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ...its slave.
{ echo "a nymphomaniac" or echo "a slut"
or echo "about to get laid" }
{ "Hey, she's getting a blow job and a toe job. No fair" }
Magenta & Columbia { echo } Tell us about it, Janet.
Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me
Janet I was feeling done in,
{ "and out and in and out and in..."
or "and pushed up" }
{ "Describe the Sacramento Kings"
or "Buffalo Bills" or "Mets" or "Patriots" etc. }
couldn't win.
{ "Ok, Janet's on the left, Rocky's on the right,
who's that dick in the middle?"
or "I know the slut on the left, I know the moron
on the right. Who the fuck's the dick in the middle?"
"Ah, that's David... he's just hanging out" }
I'd only ever kissed { echo "fucked" } before.
{ "Bullshit!"
or "What a crock of shit!" }
Columbia You mean she...
{ echo "You mean she's catholic?" or "a liar?" }
Magenta Uh huh. { echo "a 'ho" or echo "a whore" }
Janet I though there's no use getting { "laid" }
Into heavy petting. { "Same thing" }
{ "Reject that hand in the name of Bob!" }
It only leads to trouble
And { "stretch marks" } seat wetting
{ Stand up
"Hey, this seat's wet!"
"So sit back and enjoy it!"
"Oh shit, my fingers are wet!"
or "Yay wet seats!"
or after they sit "then what'ja sit back down for?"
or "Well, it all depends..."
or "Hey usher, this seat is fucking soaked!"
"Well, why the hell have you sat there for an hour?"
or echo "PERRY BEDDING!"
"Oh, shit, Perry Bedden!" }
Now all I want to know is how to go. { echo "how to blow" }
I've tasted blood { echo "cum" } and I want more.
Magenta & Columbia { echo } { "less" } More, { "less" } more, { "less" }
more. { "less" }
{ "Tonite and for 2 guitar riffs only,
it's Pete Townshend of the Who!"
Stand on seat and do trademarked
Townshend Windmill air guitar }
Janet I'll put up no resistance
{ "You never did!" or "I bet you won't" }
I want to stay { echo "fuck" } the distance
{ echo "I want to fuck your piston"
or echo "I want to fuck the Detroit Pistons!" }
I've got an itch to scratch
{ echo "itchy snatch"
or "Its the seven year itch bitch" }
I need assistance.
{ echo "ten inches" or echo "GyneLoTrimin" }
{ echo "I want some new long distance!
I've had AT&T Operator Assistance!"
or echo "I want to suck your distance!" }
{ run and attempt to touch Janet on the screen }
Toucha toucha toucha touch me!
{ (Rocky fondles Janet's breasts) "Got milk?" }
I want to be dirty.
Thrill me chill me fulfill me!
{ "Who's Batman?" }
Creature of the night.
{ alternate lyrics:
"Taco taco taco taco!
I want a buritto.
Chilli chilli, guacamole.
Refried beans and rice"
or
"Taco taco taco taco!
I want a buritto.
Sour-cream and guacamole.
Nacho cheese and more"
or
"Fuck-a fuck-a fuck-a fuck me!
I want to be dirty.
Eat me beat me mistreat me.
Creature of the night"
or
"Fuck-a fuck-a fuck-a fuck me!
I want to be dirty.
Drill me, fill me, then bill me
Dentist of the night"
or
"Fucka fucka fucka fuck me!
I wanna get HIV.
Eat me, beat me, mistreat me.
Cream between my thighs"
or
"Pluck-a pluck-a pluck-a pluck me!
I want to be a birdie.
Take me, shake me then bake me.
Chicken of the night" }
{ "Looks like taco, smells like tuna fish,
snaps like a turtle,
this looks like a good place for a stick up or a stick in,
somebody pass the tartar sauce please!" }
{ "So let me get this straight.
You're flirting with me, tight?" }
Then if anything grows,
{ "Suck it!" or "It will!" or "It won't, he's gay" }
while you pose,
I'll oil you up and rub you down.
Magenta & Columbia { echo } { "up" } Down, { "up" } down, { "up" } down.
{ "up" }
Janet And that's just one small fraction { "6/9" or "1/69" }
of the main attraction { echo "erection" }
You need a friendly hand { echo "job" }
{ "Take two!" or "My own works fine" or "Here, take mine!" }
and I need action.
{ "Hey, Frank didn't have these!"
or "How do you change the channel on these knobs,
there's got to be a better movie on somewhere" }
Toucha toucha toucha touch me!
I want to be dirty.
Thrill me chill me fulfill me!
Creature of the night.
Columbia Toucha toucha toucha touch me!
Magenta I want to be dirty.
{ echo "I want to have puppies" }
Columbia Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!
Magenta Creature of the night.
{ echo "Fuck me I'm a dyke" }
{ "It's a lesbian blow job" }
Janet Toucha toucha toucha touch me!
I want to be dirty.
Thrill me chill me fulfill me!
Creature of the night.
{ After each one: "Switch!" or "Next!" }
Rocky Creature of the night.
Brad Creature of the night?
Frank Creature of the night. { "Too much makeup" }
Magenta Creature of the night. { "Too much hair!" }
Riff Raff Creature of the night.
Columbia Creature of the night. { Scream! }
Rocky Creature of the night. { "No fair! Rocky got seconds!" }
Janet Creature of the night.
(scene change, Riff Raff being whipped by Frank)
{ "It's the Hunchback and the Neuter Dame"
or sing (to Whip It tune)
"Da da da da da... Crack that whip!... Da da da da da"
or sing (to Rock the Casbah tune)
"Barry don't like it! Whip the hunchback!
Whip the hunchback!"
or "Face it, Riff, you're whipped" }
Riff Raff Owwwwwwwww!
{ "Hit him! Hit him again! Hit him harder!" }
{ "Say thank you! Say it in French!"
or "Everybody sing : Ferry 'Cross The..." }
Mercy! { "beaucoup" }
(Being whipped by Frank)
{ "Thank you sir, may I have another?" }
Frank How did it happen? { "Beats me, but I have a hunch" }
I understand you were to be watching...
Riff Raff I was only away for a minute...
{ "Doing what?" } master { "bating" }
Frank Well, see if you can find him on a
{ "How's your forehand? Looks ok" }
monitor. { "How's your backhand? Needs work" }
{ "Frank swings both ways!" }
Riff Raff Master, master... we have a visitor.
{ "It's Mary Poppins on a wheel-chair" or "It's R2D2 in drag"
or "I didn't know Mary Poppins and R2D2 had a kid" }
{ "Brad, who do you want to blow?"
or "What does captain Kirk say when he wants a blow from his
chief engineer?" }
Brad Hey, Scotty!
{ "Suck my cookie"
or "Beam me up, there's no intelligent life down here"
or "...this planet sucks" or "...this movie sucks"
or "No, he's Irish" }
Dr. Everett Scott. { "Suck my cock" }
Riff Raff You know this earthling...
{ "Foreshadowing" or "Whoops!" or "You fucked up!" }
this person?
{ "Watch it O'Brien!" "Fuck you Curry, I wrote this script!" }
Brad Why yes. He happens to be an old friend { echo "fuck" }
of mine.
{ "Assholes don't have friends, only enemas" }
{ "What's your favourite fruit drink?" or "D" or "F" }
Frank I see.
{ "K" or "Oh, shit, I just spelled 'FICK'" }
{ sing a really high note }
So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. { echo "beating" }
{ "No, it was a date" }
You came here with a purpose.
{ echo "...on a porpoise. It was a dolphin!"
"Leave Flipper out of this"
or "My dolphin was in the shop" }
Brad I told you, my car broke down.
{ "I told you, my dolphin broke down and they wouldn't
free a willy" }
I was telling { "A lie" } the truth.
{ "Assholes don't lie, they just shit a little"
or "Assholes never lie, my doesn't even speak"
or "Assholes don't lie, they're just full of shit" }
Frank I know what you told me, Brad... { "Ow, quit it" }
But this Dr. Everett Scott,
his name is not unknown to me.
{ echo "his cock is not un-blown by me" }
{ "It's written on the bathroom walls" }
Brad He was a science teacher at Denton High School.
{ "It's written on the high school bathroom walls"
or "He taught sex ed.
He taught ed sex.
He taught Mr. Ed sex.
Ohhhhhh, Wilbur. That's not a carrot!" }
{ "Let's see his nipple... Nip-ple! Nip-ple!" cheers }
{ "Ow, quit it" every time Brad is prodded with the whip }
Frank And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad?
He's attached { "If he's attached, why do we care?" }
to the bureau of investigation of that which
you call UFO's!!!
{ echo "You Ass Hole!"
or echo "You Fuck Whores!"
or "UnFuckable Objects" "No suck things"
or "OH, Eff you!"
or (in the same punctuated timing) "He's Fox Muldur!" }
Isn't that right, Brad?
Brad He might be... I don't know. { echo "blow" }
Riff Raff The intruder is entering the building, master.
{ "Lucky intruder" "Lucky building"
or "And the building doesn't like it one little bit" }
{ "Now what room is he in? The bedroom? The bathroom?
The green room? The oval room?"
or "Where could he be?" }
Frank He'll probably be...
{ "Studying the art of motorcycle maintenence"
or "Studying the art of wheelchair maintenance"
or "In George Harrison's room" }
entering the Zen room. { "Zen, go get him!" }
{ "The Zen room? shit! I've left my joint there" }
{ "My house doesn't have roaches like these...
don't call Orkin, I'll take care of this" }
{ "It's Buddhist Lollapalooza!!!" }
Shall we inquire of him in person?
{ echo "In the National Enquirer?" }
{ "Not the triple-contact fagot magnet!
With optional leg lift!"
"First one comes easy! Second one comes harder!
Put some ankle into it!" }
{ "Do your impression of Santa Claus climaxing!" }
{ "Go speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer gooooo!" }
(Pause)
{ "We were talking, about the space between us all..." }
(When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's room)
{ "Ring around the lesbians"
or "Next time knock!"
or "Those fucken tourists again! Always in and out,
and never stop to eat anything!" }
(When Dr. Scott comes down the lab ramp)
{ "Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer!" }
{ "I'm hot and I'm thirsty... Hey, Kool-Aid!" }
Brad Great Scott!
{ "No, Mediocre Scott he's only a horny parapelegic" }
{ "Suck my cock"
"Suck your own cock"
"I can't bend that far" }
{ throw TOILET PAPER or PAPER AIRPLANES }
{ "It looks like Lockerbie SCOTTland in here!" }
{ "INCOMING!" "Boo-berry!" }
Dr. Scott Frankenfurter, { "Count Chocula" or "Mit Kraut!" }
we meet at last.
{ "No, we meet at first" }
Brad Dr. Scott!
{ "Put 'er there!" or "Suck my hand" or "Suck my cock" }
Dr. Scott Brad! What are you doing here?
{ "Getting good head" or "Fucking"
or "Eh, just fucking around"
or "Didn't you read the script?" }
Frank Don't play games, Dr. Scott.
{ "We already did that" or "But I like strip twister" }
You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here.
{ "Getting good head" }
It was part of your plan, was it not? { "Not!" }
That he and his female { echo "she-male" }
could check the layout for you.
{ "And lay out for you"
or "Or check out the lays or lay the checkouts"
or "And boy did they get laid out" }
Well, unfortunately for you all,
the plans
{ echo "Brad's underwear" or echo "Your sexual preferences" }
are to be changed.
{ "Who died and made you director?" "Roddenberry"
or "They still got laid out anyway"
or "Not heterosexual sex again"
or "Brad's pregnant, and Janet's got an erection" }
You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; { "AC/DC" }
{ "Is Brad gay?" or "Are you circumcised?" }
I know Brad is.
{ "You promised you wouldn't tell!" or "Suck and tell" }
{ "Brad, you're an asshole, look ashamed of it!" }
{ "Brad, mind fuck yourself on that wall dildo!" }
Dr. Scott I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a
complete surprise to me.
{ "When Brad comes, it's always a surprise"
or "Didn't you read the script?" }
I came here to find { "A good meal" }
Eddie.
{ "Dinner?" or "Same thing"
or echo "Sweatty" }
Brad Eddie! I've seen him! { "In the kitchen" }
Frank Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
{ "Get snotty Scotty" or "Get conceited!" }
Dr. Scott I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.
{ "Do you know how to walk?" }
You see, Eddie happens to be my nephew.
{ echo "my sexlife" or "my dinner" }
(Frank gasps and releases the magnet. Dr. Scott rolls back
a couple feet)
(Janet orgasms)
{ echo }
Brad Dr. Scott.
{ "Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!" }
Janet Ah! { "You blew it bitch!" }
Dr. Scott Janet!
Janet Dr. Scott!
Brad Janet!
Janet Brad!
Frank Rocky!
(Rocky flips his head toward Frank)
{ "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" or "Sega!"
or "Piss off!" or "Beefcake" }
Dr. Scott Janet!
Janet Dr. Scott!
Brad Janet!
Janet Brad!
Frank Rocky!
(Rocky looks at Frank with quickly lessening interest)
{ "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" or "Sega!" }
Dr. Scott Janet!
Janet Dr. Scott!
Brad Janet!
Janet Brad!
Frank Rocky!
(Rocky once again gleams at Frank, getting very upset)
{ "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" or "Sega!" }
{ "All present and accounted for, sir!" salute
or "All present and accounted for, sir! except for Fritz"
or "All present and accounted for, sir! except for Frankie and
Annette who are out on the beach fucking, sir" }
Frank Listen... I made you... and I can break you just as easily.
(to Rocky)
{ "How does this movie rate on the gong show?"
or "Somebody gong that transvestite"
or "Say something southern?" }
Magenta (Rings gong) Master, dinner is prepared!
{ "And we helped!" (hay-ulped)
or "And ah prepahad it" }
{ "Be like Bill and Ted"
or "Wayne's World, Wayne's World, party time!" }
{ "What does cum taste like?"
or "What do you think of oral sex?" }
Frank Excellent. { echo "egg salad" "egg salad?" }
Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.
{ "To-ga, To-ga..." "Na-ked! Na-ked!" }
{ "Rocky's not hungry. He just ate out" }
{ "Stop giving that glass a rim job and stick your finger in"
"It's not gonna come, just sweat a little" }
Narrator Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.
{ "How do you break an asshole?" }
The breaking of bread, the last meal
{ "Did your neck get a last meal?"
"His neck WAS the last meal" }
of the condemned man,
and now... this meal. { "The last supper" }
However informal it might appear,
{ "Ok virgins, count Dr. Scott's forks.
He's got 8 including the one up his ass"
"Naah, Dr. Scott's forked enough as it is"
or "Who the hell set the table, Stevie Wonder?
Dr. Scott only has seven forks!
Oh, that's because he hasn't 'eight' yet!"
or "Someone give Dr. Scott a fork, he only has 14 of them!"
or "can you spare a fork Dr Scott?"
"Fork you, asshole"
or "why does Dr. Scott have seven forks?"
"So he can get forked every day of the week!!!"
or "Why does Dr. Scott have seven forks?"
"Because Magenta's an alien - She can't set a table!"
or "Helen Keller set the table" "And Ray Charles helped!" }
you can be sure that there was to be little bonhomie.
{ "Bono-who?" "Bono from U2" }
{ "...If that's the Hostess, I would hate to see the Twinkie!"
"If that's the twinkie, I'd hate to see the cream filling!"
"They're both cream filled!" }
(Riff Raff and Magenta wheel in a cart)
{ "Hey! Check out the 'Cupcakes' on that 'Hostess'!
But wait! Where's the Twinkie?
He must be back playing with his Ding Dong.
Doesn't matte, their both cream filled"
"If that's the hostess, I'd love to see the twinkies"
"Fuck the twinkies, I'll eat the hostess" }
{ "For one night and one night only,
in the Pontiac silverdome" Riff opens lid
"It's HOT STEAM opening for MEATLOAF" }
{ "That Eddie, he has to go everywhere on wheels!" }
{ "They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and Spooky
But what the fuck is ooky?
The Addams Family" }
{ "Monday we had steam for dinner,
Tuesday we had steam for dinner,
Wednesday we had steam, Thursday we had steam,
what's for dinner tonight, Riff?" }
{ "I'll eat anything, except steam, please just no steam,
you'd think after 25 years they'd learn
not to burn the water!" }
{ "It's delicious! It's nutritious! High in protein,
low in calories, and yumy yumy good for you too!
It's... Steam!
But does it bounce? It bounces!" }
{ "I hate steam, and we got it every night.
If I have steam one more night, I'm gonna scream...
AAAAAaaaaahhhhh..." }
(Riff Raff opens the lid)
{ "Shit, steam again" "No, it's London fog" }
(Riff Raff places a large piece of meat in front of Frank)
{ "It's E.T's head"
or "Though it looks like E.T's head it's not...
It's Madonna's clit, but it's not,
cuz Madonna's clit is BIGGER!" }
{ "Meatloaf, get your ass off the table!"
or "Meatloaf, the table's for glasses, not asses!"
or "Oh, not meatloaf again!"
or "Meat Loaf - It's who's for dinner" }
{ "It's just a jump to the left" }
{ "You killed it, you cut it"
or "Here master, use my vibrator" }
{ "Transvestites, start your engines! Fuck fuck fuck..." }
(Frank carves the meat)
{ "The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker... It slices,
it dices, it circumcises!"
"It wines, it dines, it 69s"
"It even makes Julienne fries, whatever the fuck those are"
"It walks your wife and fucks your dog.
Good for all hemmorhoids and abortions!
Guaranteed not to dust, bust or rust! By ReamCo" }
{ "Go go Gadget vibrator" }
{ after the first cut "There goes the 'forth' skin.
Congratulations! You're a male!"
after the second cut "There goes the 'fifth' skin.
Congratulations! You're a female" }
{ "Anyway you slice it, it still comes up meatloaf" }
(Riff Raff serves the meat to the others)
{ "Hey Riff, throw me a slice"
or "It's Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal!"
or "New from Wham-O, it's Frisbee Meat!"
or "Hey, Riff, deal me a slice,
you sure know how to sling your meat!" }
{ sing "I would eat anything for lunch but I won't eat that" }
{ throw BOLOGNA }
(Riff Raff pours wine and spills some on the table)
{ "Check Rocky's ID, he's only 2 hours old!" }
{ "Aw man, I could'a had a V-8"
"Oh shit, I could'a BEEN a V-8" }
{ "What kind of wine is it? Oh, must be table-wine" }
{ "All sliced up, with noone to blow" }
(Rocky goes to drink out of the glass
and Frank threatens him with the knife carver)
{ "You wait for Elijah!" }
{ "What's burned bread with a hard on?" "A miracle"
or "A bagel! A pop-tart!" }
Frank A toast... { throw TOAST } { "With cheese" }
to absent friends...
{ "To cannibalism" "How many friends are in your mouth?"
or "To Melba! and the dalmation that died for Brad's cup"
or "Cheers, queers, maggots, faggots
bring on the beer, bring on the wine
toot-toot mother fuckers! it's party time!"
or "And the ones on our plates" }
All To absent friends. { "May they fucking stay absent" }
{ as Brad wipes his mug
"And dirty glasses, and present enemies" }
{ before Scott puts the napkin in his lap
"Hey, doctor Scott, that's a sanitary napkin,
so where do you put it? "
or "Hey, doctor Scott, that's a sanitary napkin.
Show us how to use it"
or "Did you come in your pants again?"
or "Scotty, cover up that erection... That's sick!"
or "It's a sanitary napkin, messy up here, messy down there,
cover that boner!"
or "Dr. Scott had another accident!"
or "Spill some ripple on your cripple"
"OH SHIT...my depends leaked" }
{ "My balls are hard" }
Frank And to Rocky.
{ "Oh my god, it's a transvestite unicorn" }
{ "Hey, this time finish the song. Last time you stopped
in the middle" }
{ "Now for a song even the virgins can sing"
"No they can't, it's not on the album!" }
(Frank starts a verse of staccato "Happy Birthday Rocky"
and cuts it off after "Dear Rocky" Janet continues until
she realizes she is the only one left singing)
{ finish the song "Happy birthday, fuck you!" }
Shall we?
{ "Boy, Riff sure knows how to sling his meat"
"Well, Riff's always been well slung"
"Yes, but it's not his meat he's slinging!"
"It's the Richard O'Brien deal-a-meal"
or "Hey Riff, deal me a slice!" }
{ "For those of you on acid, those are frisbee!
For those of you on frisbees, that is acid!" }
{ "Why is Rocky drinking from a specimen glass?"
"'Cause he's a piss poor actor!"
or "Why does Brad has 's coffeecup?"
or "Why can't the castle afford real wine glasses?"
"'Cause they spent all their money on forks!" }
{ "Rocky eats like a marine" "Use a fork dork!"
(Rocky uses a fork)
"Rocky eats like a marine-officer"
or "Eat like a civilized marine, this isn't Perkins!"
"Hey, fork you, bitch, that wasn't very knife!"
"but it spoon will be"
"Kiss my glass. Spooner or plater!"
"Please, don't as-salt me with your puns.
Just table the matter"
or "Rocky eats like a Cheerleader"
"Rocky IS a Cheerleader"
or holding up a sweet-n-low "Your so artificial!"
holding up a glass "I can see right through you!"
holding up a suger packet "I only like the real thing!"
"Lettice-leaf before this gets to"
holding up a lemon slice "bitter!" }
{ "Do you speak French?" }
Dr. Scott We came here to discuss Eddie. { echo "digest Eddie" }
Columbia Eddie! (Frank threatens her with the slicer)
{ "Shut up bitch or you'll be breakfast!"
or "Shut up, or I'll cut your other tit off!"
or "Shut up, or I'll use your tits for bookends!" }
Frank That's a rather tender subject.
{ "That's a rather tasteless joke"
or "That's a clue virgins!" }
Another slice anyone?
{ "That's another clue virgins!"
or "Gamera is really neat,
He is filled with turtle meat,
We're all eating Gamera!"
or "And you took the food right out of my mouth!
Oh, it must have been while you were chewing me" }
{ "Janet gets it... Brad gets it... Dr. Scott gets it.
Rocky gets it, but he doesn't care. Rocky LOVES Eddie
Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah doo-dah" }
{ "Did any of you see my skateboard?" "Oh, There it is!"
or "Did we fix the elevator?" "Guess not..."
or "Why don't you go play with some razor blades?"
or "We secretly replaced Columbia's dildo
with a straight razor. Let's see if she notices"
or "We've just replaced Columbia's dildo with a straight
razor. Let's see if she notices the difference"
or "Tonight we've replaced Columbia's dildo with a cactus and
her douche with spic-n-span, let's see if she notices"
or "What's it sound like when you get finger-fucked
by Freddie Krueger?"
or "Sorry Columbia, I left the plunger in the!...toilet..."
or "Hey, Columbia, masturbate with a razor blade
and fall down the stairs!"
or "Hey Columbia! What's it feel like masturbating
with a cactus?" "Sounds like fun!"
or "Hey Columbia! President Quayle!"
or "Hay Columbia! Marcia Clark!"
or "Columbia Wait! You're gonna walk in on George Michael!" }
{ "Sorry I left the plunger in the toilet" }
Columbia Excuse me. (Exits room, closes door behind her, and screams)
{ "That's what happens when you masturbate with razor blades
and douche with alcohol" }
{ "What's the matter? You ate him before -
you can eat him again!" "Yeah. but not with ketchup"
"It's not ketchup... It's hot patootie sauce" }
(Columbia screams)
{ "What? An orgasm without grey poupon?"
or "and she LIKES IT!" or "Too late!" }
{ "What did you think of 'The Cable Guy'?"
or "What did Charles Manson's mother say?" }
Dr. Scott (to camera) I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was
worse than I imagined... Aliens!
{ "Who the fuck are you talking to?
Who the fuck are WE talking to?" }
Rocky Ugh?
Brad Doctor Scott! { "Janet Brad Rocky Ugh" }
Frank Go on, Dr. Scott.
{ "Get off, Dr. Scott" }
{ "Or as they say in East Berlin"
or "Or as ve say in ze old country..." }
Or should I say Dr. Von Scott. { "Seig Heil!" }
Brad Just what exactly are you implying?
{ "That he's a Nazi! Shithead!" }
Dr. Scott It's all right!
Brad Doctor Scott!
Dr. Scott It's all right, Brad
{ "I can bullshit my way out of this with a song" }
Eddie
{ "How long was he gay?" "About six inches..."
or "How long have you been fucking Eddie, Dr. Scott?" }
Dr. Scott From the day he was born { "Not the night, but the day" }
He was trouble.
{ "With a capital 'T'"
or "Not monopoly, but trouble"
or "With the pop-up bubble"
or "Fat as a bubble, caused nothing but trouble" }
He was the thorn
{ "Not the rose but the thorn"
or echo "Axel Rose is a dork" }
In his mother's side.
{ "Not the ass/back but the side"
or echo "Axel Rose must DIE" }
She tried in vain...
{ "Not the artery but the vain"
or echo "cocaine in both the artery and the vain"
or echo "cocaine"
"In the artery, in the vein, she was a fucking mess"
or echo "...tried to hit a vein"
"Which led to drinking and snorting cocaine" }
{ "What's HE doing here?" }
Narrator ...but he never caused her nothing but shame.
{ echo "But he fucked her so hard he cleaved her in twain" }
{ "shame, shame, shame" }
Dr. Scott He left home the day she died.
{ echo "He got laid the day she died"
or echo "He got stoned and then got fried!" }
{ "Hit it!" or "Do the Dr. Scott Rock!" }
From the she was gone
{ "Bop shebop bop" or "They got they got fucked" }
All he wanted { "was Dr. Scott's cock" }
Was Rock-n-Roll porn
{ "and Dr. Scott's cock"
or "And kincky sex" }
{ "Hi, mom!" "Hi, sis!" (wave at women in book) }
And a motorbike
{ "Woooooooo..." or "I said a bike, not a dyke" }
Shooting up junk...
{ "What was he?"
or "What the fuck was he Chuck?"
or "J-U-N-K. Junk. Good stuff" }
{ "Him again!" }
Narrator He was a low down cheap little punk! { "Yay punks!" }
Dr. Scott Taking everyone for a ride.
{ whining "He never took me" }
All When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
{ throw TEDDY BEAR }
{ echo "didn't like spaghetti"
or echo "finger-fucked his Teddy"
or echo "circumcised his Teddy"
or echo "gave his Teddy head"
or echo "liked Wilma more than Betty" }
You knew he was a no-good
{ echo "Jewish" or echo "fucked-up" or echo "flintstones" }
kid. { clap clap or "Oy vey!" }
But when he threatened your life { echo "thighs" }
with a switch-blade knife
{ echo "with a dick this size" while showing how big
with your hands }
Frank What a guy!
{ echo "What a fag"
or echo "What a bore"
or echo "What a goy!"
or echo "What a dork!" }
Janet Makes you cry.
{ echo "Makes you gag"
or echo "Makes you snore"
or echo "Makes you 'Oy'"
or echo "smells like pork" }
Dr. Scott Und I did.
{ echo "And run away"
or echo "he's a pig" }
{ "Switch" }
Columbia Everybody shoved him.
{ echo "Everybody sucked him"
or echo "Everybody fucked him" }
I very nearly loved him.
{ echo "I very nearly fucked him"
or echo "I very nearly sucked him" }
I said, hey, listen to me;
{ echo "I said, hey listen screw me"
or echo "I said, hey stick it to me"
or echo "I said, Hey Eddie, screw me" }
Stay sane inside insanity!
{ echo "Stay hard inside my pussy"
or echo "Stay hard inside my cavity"
or echo "Stay hard and come inside of me"
or echo "stay long and hard inside of me"
or echo "Put a rubber on before you screw me!" }
But he locked the door and threw away the key.
{ echo "But he pulled it out and came all over me"
or echo "But he pulled out early and came all over me"
or echo "But he fucked the dog and threw the cat at me"
or echo "but he locked the door and gave me a disease"
or echo "But he didn't have one so I just gave him head" }
Dr. Scott But he must have been drawn
{ "With a pencil or a pen?"
or "With crayola crayons"
or "Not sketched but drawn"
or "With a pencil by Walt Disney" }
Into something,
{ "What the fuck is a zum-zing?"
"It's notzing" }
Making him warn { "Who?" or "Not you but..." }
Me in a note that reads...
All { echo } What's it say? What's it say?
Eddie's voice I'm out of my hed.
{ "Spelled H-E-D"
or "Spelled like a ____ student"
or echo "I'm getting good HED" }
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead.
{ "Spelled right"
or "Spelled dead" "and underlined"
or "Too late" }
They mustn't carry out their evil deed.
{ echo "They mustn't fill me with their evil seed"
or echo "They musn't try to make my peter bleed" }
(scream)
{ or echo over the whole verse
"I went out for bread and some ____
So we may be fed.
I don't want another fucking B.L.T" }
All When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid.
But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife
Frank What a guy!
Janet Makes you cry.
{ "What do you need to get into a bar?" }
Dr. Scott Und I did.
All When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
{ echo "wouldn't wear his Teddy" }
You knew he was a no-good kid.
{ echo "wasn't good in bed" }
But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife
{ echo "...with a ball-point pen" " Must've been a penknife"
"It's a dildo for Teddy!" }
Frank What a guy! { "What the fuck is a guy-uuy-uyy?" }
{ "What does Santa say when he wants a blow job?" }
All Oh-oh-oh...
Janet Makes you cry.
{ "What does Fat Albert say when he wants a blow job?"
or "What does horses eat?" }
All Hey, hey, hey...
{ "What do you need to buy beer in ?"
or "And who gave them both a blow?" }
Dr. Scott Und I did.
{ "What the fuck is an 'unt'?"
"It's a three-fourths of a cunt without a 'C'
and seeing is believing"
"What happened to the other fourth?" "I ate it!"
or "It's a german cunt without the 'C' to swim in!" }
{ "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat,
nothing up my sleeve...presto!"
or "Watch a trick"
or "Watch me pull a greaser outta the table!"
or "Show us Jerry Garcia after the autopsy!" }
(Frank pulls the tablecloth off of the table
and the slaughtered remains of Eddie are seen
under the glass surface)
{ "I told you, I hate celery!" throw CELERY
"But I love magic tricks"
or "I hate baby triffids!" }
{ "I would eat anything for lunch, but I won't eat that..." }
(All scream)
{ "The Phantom of the Opera is there... Inside the table"
or "Y'know, some parts of this movie are just dead"
or "Eddie seems to have a liver problem. It's on his hand"
or "looks like Meatloaf had the guts to be in this movie!"
or "all right! leftovers!"
or sing "Hot patootie, slice my soul,
serve me up with a dinner roll" }
{ "Slap that bitch! Slap that bitch!"
or "Hey Frank, let's play 'slap the slut' - You go first!" }
Frank Rocky! How { "Heterosexual of you!" } could you?
{ "The pantyhose were ripped!" }
(slaps Janet)
{ "Don't forget the cripple" }
Dr. Scott (To Brad, who's guiding his wheelchair) This way, this way.
{ "Back, no the other way, no back that way, no over here" }
(General mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff Raff and
Magenta laugh, until Riff suddenly says "Shut Up!")
{ "Riff do your impression of the prison guard in
A Clockwork Orange" }
Riff Raff { echo } Shut up!
Planet Schmanet
Frank I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice.
You'd better wise { echo "douche" } up, Janet Weiss.
{ "Did you say rice?" throw RICE }
You apple pie don't taste too nice.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. { "Kick him!" }
{ "Did you say rice?" throw RICE }
{ echo over the whole verse
"When I met you, I thought you were nice.
So then I fucked you once or twice.
But now you're gonna pay the price.
Because you gave me PUBIC LICE!" }
{ "Look! Brad finally gets it up!" }
I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.
You're as sensual as a pencil;
wound up like an E or first string. { echo "G-string" }
When we made it, did you hear a bell ring? { ring BELL }
{ "No, I heard a piano" }
Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
{ "Did you say rice?" throw RICE }
The transducer will seduce ya.
Janet { echo } My feet! I can't move my feet!
{ "My tits, I can't move my tits!"
or echo "My shoes, I can't move my white shoes!" }
Dr. Scott { echo } My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!
{ echo "I can't move my cheeks" or echo "my mustache" }
Brad It's as if we're glued to the spot!
{ "My socks! I can't move my socks! }
Frank You are! { "Nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah" }
So quake with fear, you tiny { echo "tight assed" } fools!
{ "Melodrama" }
Janet We're trapped! { "No shit!" or "In a bad movie" }
{ "Bad melodrama"
or "Cut the theatrics, bitch!" }
Frank (sung) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind
fuck can be nice.
{ "One, two, three, four, next time use the fucking door" }
Dr. Scott You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you
imagine. This sonic transducer... it is I suppose, some
kind of audio-vibratory physio-molecular transport device?
Brad { echo } You mean... { "A vibrator!" }
Dr. Scott Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on
for quite some time. { "a working vibrator!" }
But it seems our friend { "a friendly vibrator" }
here has found a means of perfecting it.
{ "a perfect vibrator!" } A device capable
of breaking { "a broken vibrator?" or "a demolition vibrator" }
down solid matter and then projecting it through space and,
who knows, perhaps even time itself.
{ "a cosmic vibrator!"
or "Dr. Who's vibrator"
or "vibrators in spaaaaace"
or "a time-traveling vibrator!"
"it fucks you in the past, present, and the future!" }
Janet You mean he's going to send us to another planet?
{ "HA!" or "I'll go!" }
Frank Planet, schmanet, Janet! { "Goddammit" }
{ "Hey Frank, what do you do when you
run out of toilet paper?" }
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
{ "Did you say rice?" throw RICE }
You better wise up, build your thighs up,
You better wise up...
Narrator And then she cried out... { "for..." }
Janet Stop! { echo "More" }
{ "Oh shit, my armpit fell out again" }
Frank Don't get hot and flustered!
{ "What do you do when you run out of KY jelly?"
or "What's a good sexual lubricant?" }
Use a bit of { echo "use KY with" } mustard.
{ throw HOTDOGS on "you're a hotdog!" }
{ throw FRANKFURTERS }
Brad You're a { echo "Stick a" } hot dog, { "up your" } but you
better not try to hurt { echo "fist fuck" or echo "squirt" }
her,
{ "What's his name?"
or "Oscar Meyer"
or "With your two inch" }
Frank Furter.
(Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and
Brad turns to stone)
{ "Aces!" }
Dr. Scott You're a { echo "Stick a" } hot dog, { "up your" } but you
better not try to hurt her, { echo "squirt her" }
{ "What's his name?"
or "Oscar Meyer"
or "With your two inch" }
Frank Furter.
(Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and
Dr. Scott turns to stone)
Janet You're a hot dog -
{ "Shut up. It wouldn't have rhymed anyway" }
(Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and
Janet turns to stone)
{ "Who's Tim-Curry/Jerry-Garcia/David Koresh?" etc. }
Columbia My God! { "Mine too" or "My mortal" }
I can't stand any more of this! { "Then sit down" }
{ "Bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag,
first you wanted a dog, so we got you a puppy.
Then you wanted a baby, so we got you pregnant.
Now just because the dog ate the baby,
you want to send the dog back.
Bitch bitch bitch, nag nag nag" }
First you spurn { "Sperm?" } me for Eddie, and then you
throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky!
{ "He was heavy!" }
You chew people up and then you spit them out again...
{ "You mean he doesn't swallow?"
or "Bad blow job, huh?"
or "What do you expect? He's on diet!"
or "They taste better that way!" }
{ "Chew chew chew, spit spit spit.
Doesn't anybody swallow in this movie?" }
I loved you... { "What did you say?" }
d'ya hear me! I loved you And what did it get me?
{ "I've paid seven bucks to see this movie, so if I don't
see some shoulder soon, I'm leaving!" "Thank you!"
or "A hole in your shirt!" }
{ "What's cleavage?" }
Yeah, I'll tell you - a big nothing.
{ "Yes, they are big!"
or "at least it was a BIG nothing!"
or "At least it was BIG" }
You're like a sponge.
{ throw SPONGE }
{ "Always sucking up other people's dribblings!" }
You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and
emotion. { echo "come and erection" }
Yeah, well, I've had enough! { "Peek-a-booby" }
You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because
of the rocks in his head.
{ "Nobody flashes their tit at me and gets away with it!"
or "I say we stone her!"
or "That Columbia what a bitch,
quick Magenta throw the switch!"
or "Oh shit, what a bitch, quick Magenta flip the switch" }
(Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and
Columbia turns to stone) { "lopsided" }
{ "It's only a shadow" }
{ "Now YOU have rocks in your head" }
{ "BLT: Bigger Left Tit"
"Hefty lefty, slighty righty"
"Now we know which side Eddie slept on"
"Columbia's a size 32 A.D"
"Some like them big, some like them small.
Columbia likes to please them all"
"Eddie must have been right-handed"
"No, he was left-handed. He just liked it from behind" }
Frank It's not easy having a good time...
{ "Try Disneyland"
or "Try six flags on acid"
or "It's not good having an easy time" }
{ "What's Rocky thinking about?"
"Nothing! He accidently Krazy Glued his fist to his chin"
or "Rocky, the thinking man" }
{ "Rocky must get stoned!" or "Turn him around!" }
(Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and
Rocky turns to stone)
{ "That's one way to keep Rocky hard..." }
{ "What a great party, everyone's either plastered or stoned"
or "What a party, even the rocks are getting stoned"
or "What a great party, everyone got stoned"
"No its a cheap party, everyone got plastered" }
{ "What do you say after giving 500 blow jobs?"
or "Hey Frank, what's it like after you've been sucking
dick all day?" }
Even smiling makes my face ache...
{ "Comes from biting your knuckles!"
or "That's not from smiling!"
or "Your face makes my face hurt"
or "Then bite your knuckle and talk to a big red door"
or "Go cry to your favourite red wall"
or "What did Michael-Jackson/Woody-Allen claim in court?"
or sing "I see a red wall and I want to paint it black" }
and my children turn on me...
{ "Don't you mean your children turn you on?"
or "Mommie dearest"
or "That's what Michael Jackson said!" }
Rocky's behaving just the way Eddie did.
{ "Show us your only virgin orifice"
or "Show us your only part of your body that hasn't fucked
in this movie... eargasm"
or "Make Mike Tyson hungry" }
{ "what do you think of John Major and Michael Hazzeltine"
or "What do you think of Bob Dole and Jack Kemp" }
Do you think I made a mistake, { "Yes" }
splitting his brain { echo "balls" }
between the two on them?
{ "That could be it" }
(Magenta walked over to where Frank is. Riff Raff follows)
{ Sing "I see a red wall and I want to paint it black" }
Magenta Ahhh! I grow weary of this world!
{ echo "accent" or echo "movie" }
When shall we return to Transylvania, { echo "Denny's" } huh?
{ "vednesday, vhen else?"
or "When you can say your w's, bitch!"
or "Vhen ve get Moose and Skvirl"
or "Vhen you learn ze vucking language" }
{ "Where the fuck is 'Transylvania huh'?"
right next to 'Transsexual huh'" }
{ As Frank speaks the next line and Magenta's head starts
turning towards Riff "Going... going..."
when she stops moving her head "Gone!" }
{ "Where's Magenta's other hand, and why is Riff smiling?"
"Where's Riff's hand, and why is Magenta smiling?"
"Where are MY hands and why am I smiling!?!"
or "She's not listening, her hand is missing
and Riff-Raff is SMI-LING!" }
Frank Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as
yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when
the mood takes me, { "Take me! Take me!" }
I can be quite generous. { echo "genderless" }
{ "How much for a blow job?" }
Magenta I ask for nothing... { "I'll take two!" or "Under 12 inches" }
nothing.
{ "Should have asked for a big nothing"
or "That's why you're still fucking your brother!"
"Hey, if he were your brother you'd be fucking him too!" }
{ "Will she get it?" }
Frank And you shall receive it...
{ "Where?" or "Where do buns go to dance?" }
in abundance!
{ echo "In the buttocks!" }
{ "Fe Fi Fo Fum, First I jerk off then I..."
or "What's your favourite high protein breakfast food?"
or "What's McDonald's Secret Sauce?"
or "What tastes good after cornflakes?"
or "What does Brad want to do?"
or "What do they serve on the popcorn at this theatre?"
or "Hey Frank, what does your mother do when you
kiss her goodnight?"
or "What's the secret sauce on a new McDonald's Arch Deluxe?"
or "Frank, what do you want on your cornflakes?"
or "What's your favorite high-protein breakfast drink?"
or "What tastes best when it sits on a Ritz?"
or "What does this theater put on its popcorn?"
or "What turns cornflakes into frosted flakes?"
or "What is on the Natchoes in the snack bar?" }
Come,
{ "And you had the large!"
or "Not just for breakfast anymore!"
or "Oh, so THAT'S why kids don't like them"
or "Is THAT why it's only for adults?" }
we are ready for the floor show. { "Yay floor show!" }
{ "Quick, check the floor. Magenta's eyes fell out again"
or "Nobody move, Magenta's lost her eyes"
"Squish, squish, I found them" }
{ "Elbow quicky, elbow quicky" }
{ "Look out for the finger; if you touch it,
it's statutory rape!"
"You can't rape the wheeling!"
"The handicapped are always getting fucked over" }
{ "Sit on his finger, he'll guess your weight.
Sit on his lap, he'll guess you size!
Sit on his face, he'll guess your sex!"
"Three tries to a customer" }
{ "Hey Brad, I always thought you were crazy,
but now I see your nuts" }
(A small black spot appears on the Janet statue's arm)
{ "There's a little black spot in my arm today,
it's the same black spot as yesterday" }
{ "First one to the top, gets to be on top"
"Look at Magenta run"
"She always run, the sores never heal"
or "By day, they're Riff Raff and Magenta,
but by night, they're Banana Head and Brother Fucker,
also known as Stiff Staff and Placenta!"
"First one in the bedroom gets to use the vibrator,
second one gets to lick it off. Run Magenta Run!" }
{ "Coming up next - '69 Minutes' with Chuck Wallace" }
{ "Quit making those farting noises with your hands" }
{ "Why has he got vents on his desk?"
"He likes a good steady blow" }
{ "Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew, and sew, and sew" }
Narrator And so, by some extraordinary coincidence,
{ "Tick, tick, tick, tick..." }
fate, it seemed,
had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that
appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it
was to be in a situation which none of them could have
possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing
their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted...
{ "Terrible" or "Frank's cock!" }
forbidden fruit.
{ "same thing" or "Yay Frank's cock!" or "cumquats!" }
This in itself was proof { "120 proof" }
that their host was a man of little morals...
{ "Yay little morals!" or "No morals!"
or "What do you know of morals?
My mother's under that desk!" }
and some persuasion.
{ "Yay some persuasion!" or "Gay persuasion" }
What further indignities
{ "Yay indignities"
or "What do you know of indignities?
YOUR mother's under that desk!" }
were they to be subjected to?
{ "More OJ coverage!" }
And what of the floor show
{ "What OF the floor show?" or "Yay floor show!" }
that had been spoken of? { "What about it?" }
{ "Where do you masturbate?"
or "Where does George Michael masturbate?" }
In an empty house?
{ "Best place" }
{ "When do you masturbate?"
or "When does George Michael masturbate?" }
In the middle of the night?
{ "Best time"
or "Rates are cheaper"
"You pay to masturbate?"
or "Who charges for masturbation?"
"The same idiot who charges for air at the gas station" }
What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination?
{ echo "What diabolical chicken walked on your forehead,
stole your neck and fucked your chin?"
or "Yay! Diabolical plan that seized Frank's
crazed imagination!" }
{ "What indeed" or "What what what" }
What indeed?
{ "My thoughts exactly" or "I asked you first!" }
From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be...
{ "Can we have a picnic?"
or "Uncle Chukie, are we gonna have an orgy or a picnic?" }
no picnic.
{ "Aww... and I brought the ants" (dejectedly) or "YAY" }
Rose Tint My World
A. Floor Show
{ "Hey Frank, wipe that cum off your face"
or "Ladies, this is what will happen if you don't swallow"
"Guys, this is what will happens when you masturbate
in front of a fan"
"Anyone want to join my Fan Club?"
or "Wow! Look at Frank's face!
I didn't know Brad had it in him"
"Well, he doesn't any more!"
or "Next time swallow!" }
{ "John Belushi as Samurai Electrician!"
say 'Samurai' when Frank hit the first switches }
{ Frank doesn't touch Dr. Scott "Forget him, he's hopeless" }
(Unfreeze - Columbia)
{ "Describe the Clinton presidency"
or "How was the orgy?"
or "How was this movie?"
or "How was your first period?" }
Columbia It was great when it all began. { "Hip, hip" }
I was a regular Frankie fan.
{ echo "I was straight when it all began,
now I'm a regular lesbian" }
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a muscle man.
{ echo "To start douching with Spic-and-Span" }
Now the only thing that gives me hope { "is smoking dope" }
Is my love of a certain dope.
{ echo "Is my fantasy of fucking the pope"
or "Same thing" or "Yay dope!" }
{ "There goes the PG rating..." "Those better be buttons!" }
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Rocky)
{ "How old are you?" }
Rocky I'm just seven hours old,
{ "and fucked twice" or "and can't dance" or "and can't sing" }
And truly beautiful to behold.
{ "Conceited too" or "Modest too" or "And still can't dance" }
And somebody should be told
{ "I can't sing"
or "That you can't sing OR dance!"
"How the f*ck did you get in this movie?" }
My libido hasn't been controlled. { "Mowny Mowny" }
Now the only thing I've come to trust { "Is Janet's bust" }
Is an orgasmic rush { "Yay rush!" } of lust.
{ echo "Is an orgasmic Russian named Gus"
or echo "now the only thing that gets me off,
is a thing called the Body Floss!" }
{ "Same thing" or "Anal floss" }
{ "Ride 'em cowboy" }
Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
{ echo "while I polish my balls" }
(Unfreeze - Brad)
{ "What's two plus two?"
or "Hey Brad, where's your balls?"
or "What do you say when you can't reach your K-Y?"
or "Brad, what did you earn at ?" }
Brad It's beyond me; { "What do you say when you masturbate?" }
Help { echo "fuck" } me Mommy!
{ "How are you in bed?" }
I'll be good; you'll see,
Take this dream { echo "thing" or echo "damn boa" } away.
{ "Just try and get rid of it!" }
What's this? { "The floor!" } Let's see,
{ "Your left leg" or "It's STILL the floor" }
I feel sexy!
{ echo "I've got epilepsy"
or echo "my leg" or echo "Sheer Energy!" }
What's come over me? { "Frank!" }
{ "Look, it's the joker" }
Woo! Here it comes again.
{ "Double orgasm!" or "No, that's you..." }
(Unfreeze - Janet)
{ As Janet does a pelvic thrust, gag at the smell.
Thank her when she covers her crotch. }
{ "How do you feel?" }
Janet I feel released; { echo "real cheap" }
Bad times deceased.
{ echo "I like to fuck sheep"
or echo "... diseased"
or echo "Like I've been fucking dead sheep" }
My confidence { echo "cunt size" } has { "been" } increased;
{ or echo over the whole verse
"I feel real cheap
'cause I've been snogging sheep
I'm pulling wool out of my teeth..." }
reality is here
The game { echo "gang bang" } has been disbanded;
my mind { echo "cunt" or echo "twat" } has been expanded.
It's a gas { echo "Show us where..." }
that Frankie's landed! { "Fall into the gap" }
{ "'X' marks the G-spot" "X makes any spot a G-Spot" }
His lust is so sincere.
{ "Kiss my ass" or "Now kiss my ass and show me your's" }
(Janet kisses the air)
B. Fanfare / Don't Dream It
{ "For one time, and one time only,
Frankie goes to Hollywood"
or "introducing the first transvestite on the moon" }
{ "What the hell is a radio picture?"
"It's a picture of a radio, what else?"
or "It's stereo for the hearing impaired!"
or "It's sort of like a TV dinner" }
{ "What's RKO?" "a Really Kinky Orgy" }
{ "Ladies and gentlemen, his majesty, the queen" }
{ "What is the $69,000 question?" }
Frank Whatever happened to
{ "Saturday night? Oops, wrong song"
or "To Shock treatment in the theaters!"
or "To Peter Hinwood's career?" }
Fay Wray? { echo "Reggae" }
{ "She went ape-shit!"
or "She got fucked by a 40 feet ape with a 3 feet dick" }
That delicate, satin-draped frame?
{ "Bullshit, it was polyester. I know my fabrics" }
{ "Describe the abortion" }
As it clung
{ "It was stuck" }
to her thigh
{ "What? The ape-shit or the abortion?"
or "Like a homesick abortion!"
or "Like a sorority girl on a fraternity guy" }
How I started { "To laugh?" } to cry { "Why?" }
{ "You'd cry too, if you were fucked by a 40 feet ape!"
or "You'd cry too if you were a homesick abortion!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
or "I'd cry too if I had abortion on my thigh!"
or "You'd cry too if you were covered in ape shit/polyester"
or "You'd cry too if you had an abortion stuck
to your thigh!"
or "I would too... What a waste of a good frat boy!" }
'Cause I wanted to be dressed
{ "like a chicken" }
just the same.
{ echo "Cause I wanted to be wrapped in cellophane"
or echo "By Sue Blane" or echo "just like shit" }
{ "But you ARE!" or "So did I, honey" }
{ "Kick that dick...OUCH!"
or "Don't kick it, don't kick it, don't kick it... OW!" }
{ "Look! Even the stage gets a hard on"
"And Frank's going down on it!" }
{ "Has anybody seen my cat, Fluffy?" "What's he look like?"
"Well, he's long, skinny, black, furry, has about 9 tails
and fifteen legs...anybody seen him? Fluffy? Fluffy?"
"Why don't you ask Frank?"
"Frank, have you seen...FLUFFY! ACK! Poor Fluffy..." }
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares,
{ "describe your penis" or "How big is your cock?" }
beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
{ "What do you say to piss-off Stevie Wonder?" }
Can't you just see it? { "No!" } Oh, oh, oh.
{ "What's your favourite scene from the Lost Boys?" }
(Frank jumps into pool, fog clears, and he is floating in
a life-ring labeled USS Titanic)
{ "Take the nestee plunge!" }
{ "Hey god, get your finger out of my ass!"
"And god said 'Adam, pull my finger'" }
{"Wait a minute! You mean to tell me the link
between man and God is a faggot in a life preserver?" }
{ "Fog on! (clap clap) Fog off! (clap clap)" }
{ And on the eighth day, god created the winds!" }
{ "Go ahead, pull my finger!" }
{ "It's a scene from the Lost Boys"
"Quick, it's a cop, get rid of the smoke" "Everybody blow!" }
{ "Hey waiter, there's a fag in my soup"
"Shhh... everybody'll want one!"
"But I'm a vegetarian" "And Frank's a fruit!" }
{ "Frank's having a wet dream" }
{ "It's a fruit filled lifesaver!"
"You suck it, it sucks ya back!"
"It's a queer-e-o!"
"It's Honey Nut 'Fruit' Loops!" }
{ "It's queerios, the only cereal that eats itself,
just add water" }
{ "Hey, what's that shit on the bottom of the pool?"
"It's creation" "I thought Rocky was the creation"
"Okay, it is shit on the bottom" }
{ "The ceiling, Michaelangelo, the ceiling!
That's the last time I pay a Ninja Turtle to do ANYTHING!" }
{ "Now we know how Michaelangelo died - he drowned" }
{ "Why does God have his finger up Frank's ass?"
or "How does it feel to have god's finger up your ass?"
"Heavenly and divine" "Divine's dead"
"That's why it's heavenly" }
{ "Did we strap the cameraman?...Guess not" }
{ "Does that say 'USS Titanic' or 'TIT A NICK'?"
"I thought it said 'Lick a tit'"
"I'd rather 'Lick a tit' than 'TIT A NICK'" }
{ "That's why the Titanic sunk, fags will go down on
anything full of seamen" }
{ "I didn't know the Titanic was a fairy-boat" }
{ "Why'd the Titanic sink?" "Because Frank blew a hole in it
and suck out all the seamen" }
{ "What's the difference between Frank and the Titanic?"
"...We know how many people went down on the Titanic!" }
Don't dream it, be it. (four times)
{ echo "Don't drink it, Frank peed in it"
or echo "Don't drink it, fish fuck in it"
or echo "Don't drink it, I came in it" }
{ "I smell tollhouse cookies..." "And they're burning"
throw COOKIES }
{ "Last one in the pool is a heterosexual!"
"It's a tie...they must be bi"
or "Last one in the pool stars in 'Shock Treatment'"
or "Last one in the pool is a heterosexual and has to be
in Shock Treatment"
"At least they paid you to be in Shock Treatment"
"They paid Sal to be in Shock Treatment?"
or "Hey look! It's Drag Racing!" }
(Brad, Janet, Rocky and Columbia jump into the four
corners of the pool. Columbia hits the water last)
{ "Waiter, there're FIVE fags in my soup!" }
{ "It's queerios. Just add water and they eat themselves" }
All Don't dream it, be it (eight times)
{ On sixth time: "Use the force!" or "the schwartz" }
(On sixth line, De-Medusa handle falls,
and Dr. Scott is unfrozen)
{ "Who did it?" }
Dr. Scott Ach! { "-choo! Bless you!" or "tung, baby!" }
We've got to get { "the fuck" }
out of this trap { echo "wheelchair" } { "and into that pool" }
{ "B-one, B-two, B-three..." }
before { "Damn, you sunk my battleship" }
this decadence { "Yay, decadence!" }
saps our wills. { "Too late" }
I've got to { "Do my best Richard Nixon impression" }
be strong,
{ "Like a good condom" or "Like my hard-on" }
and try to hang on,
{ "Like a good condom" or "to my hard-on"
or "to Franks dick" }
or else { "My face will shake" }
my mind { echo "my shoe" or "and my hardon" }
may well snap { "Like a bad condom" or "Crackle! Pop!" }
and my life will be lived...
{ "In a wheelchair" or "as a bowl of Rice Crispies"
or "Ok! America, show us your underalls!" }
{ "Why do you fuck boy scouts?"
or "Why do we come to Rocky?"
or "Why did you fuck Imelda Marcos?" }
for the thrills!
{ echo "the money" or echo "the COOKIES!"
or echo "the shoes!" }
{ screams and cheers }
{ "What's two plus two?" }
Brad It's beyond me; { "Grab his salami!" }
{ "What do you say when you masturbate?" }
help { echo "fuck" } me Mommy!
{ echo "Matt Biandi; fucked my mommy!" }
{ "Somebody shut him up!" or "That's not your mommy!" }
Janet God Bless Lilly St. Cyr.
{ echo "Very Safe Sex" }
{ "Hey, Frank, how does Janet taste?" }
C. Wild And An Untamed Thing
{ "Whose pool is this?"
or "Who's movie is this?"
or "Who's line is it anyway?"
or "Hey everyone, there's a six foot spiked dildo out
in the lobby. Who's is it?" }
Frank My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
{ "One Two Three Four"
or "Who are the Beatles?" "John, Paul, George, Ringo"
or "Four, One, Two, Three! Brad always comes early"
or "Four Spice Girls... And one Weiss girl!"
or "Sailor Venus Sailor Mars Sailor Jupiter SAILOR MOON!" }
All We're a wild and an untamed thing.
We're a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
{ "There's no place like home, there's no place like hom..." }
We're a wild and an untamed thing.
We're a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
{ "This is where the choreographer died"
or "Unexpected plot twist"
or "It's almost over! It's almost over" with jumps }
(Riff Raff and Magenta enter from the rear door in silver
space-outfits)
{ "Riff isn't a man, he can't even keep his hair erect"
or "Hey Riff, where did you get your hair done,
Dairy Queen?" }
{ "Hey Magenta, your ears are smoking"
or "magenta has had so much sex that cum is
shooting out of her ears" }
Riff Raff Frank N Furter, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure;
Your lifestyle's { echo "sex life's" or echo "teeth are" }
too extreme.
I'm your new commander;
You now are my prisoner.
We return to Transylvania.
Prepare the transit beam.
{ alternate lyrics:
"Frank-n-Furter, the movie's almost over,
your acting is a failure, your wardrobe's too extreme...
I'm your new director, you now are an extra!
We're about to roll the credits, Magenta start the house"
or
"Frank-n-Furter, the movie's almost over,
Your mission is a failure, the plotlines's too extreme...
I just fucked my sister, you can smell my finger
We return to have an orgy. Magenta makes me cream"
or
"Frank-n-Furter, it's all over,
You're out of rolling papers, your hairstyle's too extreme
I just fucked my sister, you can't comapare with her
We're turning heterosexual, Magenta makes me cream"
or
"Frank-n-furter hates Road Rovers
So his mission is a failure,
besides his lifestyles too extreme"
or
"Frank-N-Furter, You're not kosher,
Your bris was a failure, Your sex style too extreme
I'm you're new rabbi, You now are my sex slave
We return to Jerusalem, Prepare my menorah"
or
"...I just fucked my sister, you can smell my finger
It reaks of rotten tuna, even though she licked it clean"
or
"...I just fingered my sister, won't you smell my finger.
We return to anal sex now, prepare the vaseline!" }
{ "Hey Magenta, there's an orgy in the parking lot"
or "Hey Magenta, there's a lesbian in the parking lot"
"PSYCHE" as she hesitates }
{ "Look, it's a dildo for Wilson Philips"
"With an attachment for Debbie Gibson!" "Electric youth!" }
{ "What do you say when you get caught butt-fucking the
neighbour's dog on the couch wearing your Rocky costume?"
or "What is the direct result of gravity?"
or "What did George Michael say to the police?"
or "What's your favorite White Lion Song?"
or "What do you need to lose?"
or "What's the direct result of gravity?"
or "Describe Rosanne!"
or "What does monkey need?"
or "Make a noise like a duck - Quack!" }
Frank Wait!
{ "Can you explain?"
or "I have no clue what the fuck is going on!" }
I can explain!
{ "I thought it was my sister"
or "You'd better be able to explain
when the dog's pregnant!"
or "It's better be good, you got shot last time...
and you know that the dog isn't allowed on the couch!"
or "The cat was busy"
or "The cat was busy and the hamster was
no where to be found"
or "Explain it to the puppies!"
or "This better be good, he's been dead for five years!" }
{ "You get the purple-onion light, and you get the other shit!
I'm going to get it up the ass" }
(Frank goes and speaks to Columbia, who goes and turns on
the spotlight; and to Rocky who goes and turns on the
stage lights)
{ "Hey, Little Nell, do you shave your..."
She lifts her arm to raise spotlight
"That answers my question!" }
{ when Rocky get the stuff: "Rocky do good! Rocky do good!"
or "Four years at for this?"
or "Look! It's a Graduate!"
or with each flick of the switches
"ONE year at MIT" "TWO years at MIT"
or "Me push red, me push blue me play football for KU!" }
{ "Someone call batman!" }
{ "And now, for one night, and one night only,
Liza Minelli with Alfalfa's shadow and Buckwheat's dick
singing 'I'm Going Homo!'/'fucking stoned'/'cumming home'"
or "And now, for one night, and one night only,
Dr. Frank N. Furter standing in front of the
shadow of Alfalfa with a penis in the foreground"
or "For tonight and one night only, it's Donnie as Marie
with Alfalfa's Shadow"
or "For tonight, and one night only, we present Liza Minelli
in Alfalfa's Shadow, And Buckwheat's dick, center stage" }
I'm Going Home
Frank On the day I went away... { echo "gay" }
All Good-bye... { echo "Who fucking cares?" or echo "kum-bay-ya" }
Frank Was all I had to say...
All Now I... { "Now you die!" or "Now I'm bi..." }
{ "What do you say when you come a thousand times?" }
Frank I want to come again,
{ "and again, and again"
or "So does Brad" }
and stay. { "hard? That's impossible" }
All Oh, my, my...
{ "What do you say after you come a thousand times?" }
Frank Smile, { "No shit" }
and that will mean I may. { echo "I'm gay" }
'cause I've seen,
{ "The RHPS too many fucking times" or "Brad naked" }
{ "A, E, I" }
oh, { "U, And sometimes Y" }
{ "Ow!!" when Frank kicks the dick-shaped lever" }
{ "Where's that come from?" "The props dude" }
blue skies { echo "Brad's thighs" }
{ "No, it's a blue curtain!"
or "Barfy burgers, girls!"
or "Frankie is compatible with Windows-95" }
Through the tears { echo "By my ears" }
{ "And where did Brad come?" or "Where do you drop acid?" }
in my eyes
(Magenta yawns with disinterest) { "Boring" }
And I realize,
{ "After smoking a really big joint"
or "That I have smurf cum on my chest" }
I'm going home.
{ echo "I'm fuckin' stoned"
or echo "I look like shit"
or "Look, it's Greg Brady in drag!"
or "Visine gets the red out, but it doesn't do much for the
blue or the green"
or "I look like a stoned raccoon!" }
All I'm going home.
(Magenta yawns) { "Insensitive bitch!" }
{ "Frank, where have you been known to fuck hamsters?"
or "Where do you masturbate?" }
Frank Everywhere
{ "How's it been each time?"
or "Would you say it's been the same?" }
it's been the same...
All ...feeling...
{ "What does it feel like when Brad cums on your face?"
or "What's it feel like to pee into a fan?"
or "What's it feel like when you're outside in the rain?"
or "What does it feel like when Rocky cums
in the ceiling fan?" }
Frank ...like I'm outside in the rain...
All ...wheeling...
{ "How much for a blow job?"
or "How much do you charge for a blow job
for kids under 12?" }
Frank ...free { "I'll take two to go please" or "Overpriced" }
to try and find a game...
{ "Games? I love games. What game do you play when you can't
get it up?" }
All ...dealing...
{ When you see the Betty Ford look alikes...
"It's Betty Ford! And that isn't Gerry!
Look! It's another Betty Ford!
It's a Betty Ford convention" }
{ "Instant audience - just add acid"
"Instant math - just add"
or chant "LSD! LSD! LSD!" }
{ "What are Macy's cards for?" }
Frank ...cards for sorrow, cards for pain. { "Deal me in!" }
{ throw CARDS }
'cause I've seen, { "Brad naked" } oh, blue skies
Through the tears { "Where do you drop acid?" } in my eyes
And I realize, I'm going home.
Frank & All I'm going home. (3 times)
{ "Total eclipse of a transvestite" }
{ "It's the NBC peacock" }
(applause, then crowd disappear)
{ "Reality check" "It bounced" "Reality money order" }
Magenta How sentimental. { "You bitch!" }
(Frank turns around and sees the house empty)
{ "You bitch, you made the drugs wear off!" }
{ "Look, it's a Michael Jackson concert -
such a Thriller, they all Beat It!"
"No, it's a Michael Jackson concert for kids -
They all got a backstage pass"
"No, it's a Tiffany concert - 'I think I'm alone now'"
"No, it's Milli Vannili concert -
they'll dub in the audience later"
"No, it's a New Kids concert after 7:30"
"No, it's a Garth Brooks concert
when you need an IQ to get in"
"No, it's Steve Wonder concert - shhh, don't tell him"
"No, it's a Nirvana concert"
or "Now playing : Barb Wire" }
Riff Raff And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said we were
to return to Transylvania, { "I was speaking French" }
I referred only to Magenter { "Magenta, not Magenter!" }
and myself.
I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading,
{ "or my sister bleeding" }
but you see, you are to remain here; { "In a body bag" }
{ "How?" or "In what metaphysical form?" }
in spirit, anyway.
{ "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father,
prepare to die"
"My name is Chiquita Banana, you peeled by father,
prepare to die"
"My name is Luke Skywalker, you are my father,
prepare to die"
"My name is Darth Vader, I am your father, prepare to die"
"My name is Oedipus, I killed my father and fucked my mother,
I want to die"
"My name is Richard O'Brien, you fucked up my movie,
prepare to die"
"STOP SAYING THAT!" }
{ "What is that?" }
Dr. Scott Great heavens! That's a laser!
{ "No, it's a vibrator for Charlie's Angels"
or "No it's not, it's a fork" }
Riff Raff Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of
pure anti-mater.
{ "Then it's not a laser!" or "Then it doesn't matter?" }
Brad You mean... you're going to kill him? { "Yep" }
What's his crime?
{ "He fucked you, didn't he?"
or "Checked your asshole lately?"
or "Premature ejaculation" }
Dr. Scott You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
{ "Fuck society!" "I'm trying, I'm trying"
or "Fuck society before it fucks you"
or "Fuck society, one by one, starting right here"
or "Fuck society!" "I'm society, fuck me!"
or "Fuck society!" "I tried, they had a headache"
or "Fuck society!" "Society's fucked! Look at us!"
or "Fuck society!" "Is she sexy?" }
Riff Raff Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter,
your time has come.
{ "Even time comes in this movie!"
or "Or your come is time" }
Say good-bye to all of this, { "Good-bye all this" }
and hello { "Hello" } to oblivion.
{ "Hi, oblivion, how's the wife and kids? Your wife, my kids!
Explain later"
"The wife was great, The kids were better,
but the dog was the best!"
or "Hi oblivion, how's the wife and kids?
Still fucking the secretary?"
"No, I'm fucking the boss" "Bad choice" }
{ "A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,
First one to scream gets zapped in the tits!"
or "A wink of an eye, a twitch of the lip,
first one to scream gets it right between the tits!"
or "Violets are blue, roses are red
I've got a laser, and a banana on my head
Magenta gets her hair done at the tastee freeze
and im going to shoot you
cause your the homecomming Queen" }
(Columbia screams - get zapped)
{ "That's alright, That's OK, I like warm milk anyway"
or "Nice shot" or "She's coming right for us" }
{ "Now what was that you were saying about 'going home'?
Oh, you were finished? Well, then, allow me to retort" }
{ "Oh shit, it works"
or "Oh shit, he put the batteries in!"
or "Hey Frank, disco's making a comeback" }
{ "Frank, you went down on everybody in the movie.
Now go down the curtain" }
(Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)
{ "NO! UNDER the curtain! UNDER!
Fucking faggots, can't follow directions" }
(Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)
{ "For all those concerned, he is NOT dead yet..." }
{ "Curtain!... Thank you! Rope please!... Thank you!"
or "I paid 4 fucking dollars and I want to see
Magic Johnson's dick! Thank you"
or "Can I see King Kong's pubic hair?"
or "Hey! This movie was made in New York City!
New York City!!! Get a rope..."
"Hey! This hold water was blessed in Vatican City!
Vatican City!!! Get a pope..."
or "It ain't over until the camel shits"
or "Oh my god they killed Kenny/Frank! You bastards!" }
{ "He's at the 30...the 20...the 10...TOUCHDOWN!"
"Now he's dead" }
(Rocky moans over and falls on Frank's body)
{ "He's not dead yet... He's dead now" }
{ "Don't lift that up, you'll let out the bad music" }
(Picks him up and begins to climb the tower -
gets zap, zap, zap, zapped -
falls into the pool to his death)
{ "Chest of steel... Back of steel... Shoulder of steel...
Armpit of steel... Tower of plastic!"
one of them can be "Transvestite of steel..." }
{ "Cartoon lasers can't kill me!" }
{ "Get you hand off my ass... And put it on my chest"
or "That's not the way the buttler did it!" }
{ "It's my two favourite fairy tails"
or "It's the two best seat in the house" }
{ "Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok,
I sleep all night and work all day..." }
{ "SPLASHDOWN!"
or "3...2...1...Splashdown!...
Another successful Challenger launching!"
or "Thanks you for flying Valujet"
or "This is proof of my theory that rocks float
and fags sink"
or "Look it's a dead two-pack de jour"
"Hey Coolio, your friend is here!"
or "Look! It's the Natalie Wood Swimming Contest!"
or "And as another graduate of the Natalie Wood swimming
academy floats by for his diploma..."
or "Hey Rocky, do your impression of David Caruso's career!"
or "Oh my God! They killed Kenny/Rocky! YOU BASTARDS!"
or "Rocky, show us your John Denver imitation"
or "What's the last thing John Denver heard?" }
{ blow WHISTLE "All right you two, out of the water" }
{ "What does James Brown say?" }
Brad Good God! { "Where?" }
Janet Oh! You killed them! { "No shit" or "Yep" }
{ "Hey, why does Magenta have a hard-on?" }
Magenta But I thought you liked them. { "Nope" }
They liked you. { "in bed" }
{ "Get paranoid!"
or "What did OJ say about Nicole and her boyfriend?" }
Riff Raff He didn't like me!
{ "Get real paranoid!"
or "What did OJ say about the media?" }
He never liked me!
{ "That's 'cause you've got a banana on your head
and no head on your banana, that's why"
or "Do you blame them?" }
Dr. Scott You did right.
{ "Shoot him!"
or chant "(Doctor) Scott must be shot"
or "Kill him, save a parking space"
or "Brownnose, kiss-ass, paraplegic prick!"
or "Brownnoser, is that a shitstain or a moustache?
Shoot the cripple, they get all the best parking places!
Shoot him right between the ball-bearings"
or "Who CALLED ME PEBBLES FLINSTONE?"
or "Did you just call me a BIG DYKE?"
or "Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man..." }
{ "Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch,
centimeter by centimeter, millimeter by millimeter, ...
Oh, fuck the metric system"
or "... millimeter by millimeter,
idy-bidy little things by idy-bidy little things"
or "... millimeter by millimeter,
I point my three-pronged dildo at your nanometer peter" }
{ "Listen up all you primitives screw-heads.
This, is my BOOM stick. The next one of you PRIMATES
so much as TOUCHES ME and I swear..." }
Riff Raff A decision had to be made.
{ "Magenta had to get laid"
or "My sister had to be laid"
or "And you fucked it up" }
Dr. Scott You're O.K. by me.
(holds out his hand as to shake it with Riff Raff)
{ "Kiss ass!" or "Nanu, nanu... shit, wrong aliens" }
Riff Raff Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your...
{ "Indigestions?" or "Dinner" }
nephew. { echo "sexlife" or "Same thing" }
Dr. Scott Eddie? { "No, Blanche" } Yes, well, perhaps it was all
for the best, heh, heh, heh.
{ "You got a free meal out of it, didn't you?"
or "He was delicious" }
{ "Hey Riff, what should they do?" }
Riff Raff You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.
{ "You mean it was possible in the first place?"
or "...to get the night bus from Traffalgar" }
We are about to beam the entire house
{ "House? I thought it was a casstle!
Does that mean it has a telephone after all?" }
to the planet Transsexual, { "Where's that?" }
in the galaxy of Transylvania.
{ "In the city of San-Francisco"
or "In the state of New-Jersey, just ten minutes
from the George Washington bridge"
or "In the state of Orgasm, county of Multiple,
zipcode OU812, room 6969" }
Go...
{ "When?" or "Apocalipse..." }
Now.
{ "Does this mean we can't use your telephone?"
or "Does this mean we can keep our costumes?" }
{ "So are we gonna start fighting androids pretty soon?
'cause the song said we would,
and the movie's almost over" }
{ "Roll out your cripples, we'll have a wheelchair of fun" }
(Brad and Janet wheel Dr. Scott out of the house)
{ "Chicken, underwater, clucking, on acid: CUE!"
or "Show me the cover of the next Nirvana album"
"It SMELLS like Nirvana"
or "Riff's a miracle worker! He can turn fruits
into vegetables!"
or "And as another graduate of the Natalie Wood
swimming academy floats by for their diploma..."
or "Hay, it's River Phineox, in the River!"
or "It's the unsinkable taste of queerios!" }
(to Magenta) Our mission is completed, my most
{ "Hideous Q-Tip" or "Anything but" }
beautiful { echo "ugly" } sister,
{ "If that's the beautiful one,
I'd hate to see the ugly one"
"I did, and she was" or "You are the ugly one" }
and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our
{ "gitchee goomee!" or "Moon drenched planet" }
beloved planet.
{ "Where the women look like cupcakes,
and the men have bananas on their heads" }
{ "Oh no! She's gonna SING!" "Go for the Oscar, Magenta"
"The cue-cards are on the ceiling!"
"And see how far you can stretch Riff Raff's invisible dick
while you're at it" }
{ "Whoop, whoop! Ham it up, cupcake head. Sperm perm.
Hostess brain. Cum ears" }
{ sing "Don't cry for me Transylvania..." }
Magenta Oh... sweet transsexual
{ "You called?" or "You talking to me?" }
Land of night...
{ "And high electric bills" }
To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain.
{ "Is it better to give or to take?" }
To take... { "Thought so" }
that... { "White shit out of your hair" }
{ "Starts with an 'S'... Ste... Ste... Ste" }
step to the right!
{ "Show us your karate" }
{ "I tawt I taw a fwashback!" }
Riff Raff & Magenta Ha!
Riff Raff But it's the pelvic THRUST!
{ "At least, there's no flashbac--- AHHH!" }
{ "Let's have some flashbacks" }
(flashback to Time Warp sequence)
all That really drives you insaaaaane
{ "That scene wasn't in the movie!" "Now it is" }
{ "I did! I did tee a fwashback!" }
Magenta And our world will do the time warp AGAIN!
{ "We have liftoff! The tower has cleared the tower" }
{ sing (to Wizard of Oz tune)
"Somewhere over the rainbow, castles fly..."
or sing (to Madness tune)
"Our house, in the middle of the sky..."
or "There goes the neighborhood" "Good bye, Mr. Rogers!" }
{ "this is our version of the Oklahoma City Bombing...
And those are the Kids from the day care center"
or "Yeah! I beat Tetris!" }
Super Heroes
(Brad and Janet are crawling around on the ground outside
the castle, in mist)
{ "What do you think of LSD?"
or "Hey Brad, have you done a lot of drugs?" }
Brad I've done a lot { "Of drugs!" or "Of little boys" }
{ "Have you tried LSD?" }
God knows I've tried
{ echo "fried"
or "To find the hole between Janet's thighs"
or "Forbidden Fruit" or "Them all"
or "Some little boys" }
{ "Why did you try LSD?" }
To find the truth. { "I took LSD" or "About drugs"
or "About little boys" or "Is out there!" }
{ "What did you do to get those drugs?"
or "How did you get the drugs?" }
I've even lied.
{ "To get more drugs!"
or "I thought assholes never lie (They just fudge a little)"
or "In a pool of my own vomit"
or "To little boys" }
But all I know is
{ "...that I look like J. Edgar Hoover at a company picnic" }
{ "How do you feel after sex with Frank?"
or "I need more drugs"
or "How do you know Frank has a twelve-inch penis?"
or "How do you know frank fucked you?" }
down inside I'm...
{ echo "down inside my hemriods are"
or echo "feasting on Janet's twat" }
All bleeding...
{ "Somebody hand that man a tampon!"
or "Nothing a lil' preparation-H won't cure"
or "Must have used the wrong drugs"
or "That time of the month again"
or echo "pregnant" }
{ "Here slut, come here slut, I've got a good treat for you" }
(Janet comes on the screen like a cat)
{ "That's good slut. Good girl, now get up and beg" }
{ "Tell us about the Lesbian Avengers" }
Janet And super heroes { "Stumble, stumble, fall!" }
come to feast { "Stumble, stumble, fall!"
or "On Janet's twat" }
To taste the flesh { echo "fish" or "Stumble, stumble, don't fall!" }
{ "How's the Queen Mum?" }
not yet deceased. { echo "diseased" "too late for that!"
or "Stumble, stumble, sit!" or "Stumble, stumble, beg!" }
And all I know { "Stumble, stumble, beg!" }
is still the beast is... { "Eating me" }
All feeding... { echo "bleeding" }
(Brad is on the ground)
{ "My glasses! I can't find my glasses!
Here's Janet's diaphragm, but I can't find my glasses!"
or "My slut! I can't find my slut! Where's my slut?"
or "Hey Brad, can you do the Backstroke?
What about the Australian crawl?" }
(Janet is on the ground)
{ "My diaphragm! I can't find my diaphragm!
Here's Brad's glasses, but I can't find my diaphragm!"
or "My asshole! I can't find my asshole!" "look down!" }
(Dr. Scott is laying on his back on his wheelchair)
{ "My wheelchair! I can't find my wheelchair!" }
(Red light on Brad)
{ "Turn the asshole over, he's done that side"
or "Hey Brad, show us your good side" }
{ go up to the screen and start spinning the picture,
fall down when it stops
or climg on seats and fall everywhere
or stand in front of your seat, and when he stops the globe,
scurry sideways across the row and slam into the left-hand
wall of the theatre, as if inertia is carrying you }
{ "Give to Gerry's kids, but don't give BICYCLES!" }
{ "Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn,
tell us the lesson that we must learn!" (Globe stops)
"Lesson 69, Never trust a transvestite" }
(Scene starts to spin, and fades into a spinning globe,
which the narrator stops)
{ "Stop the world, I want to get off!" }
{ "Splat! You just killed over a billion people!"
or "Oh shit, there went North Korea"
or "Get your hand off my cunt-ry"
or "Aw, shit, he just eliminated all of "
or "Get your finger out of Columbia!"
"You don't know where she's been"
or "Get your finger out of Columbia!"
"She likes it there!" }
{ "Hey, Australia's not purple!"
"Yeah, but China is red enough" }
Narrator And crawling { "Where?" or "Where'd you sit?" }
on the planet's face
{ echo "And creaming on Magenta's face" }
or "What did you have for breakfast?"
or "What are disco people?" or "Are what?" }
Some Insects
{ "I THOUGHT my phone was bugged!"
or "Fuck you! I ain't no bug!" }
{ "What're they called?"
or "Why is your phone bill so high?" }
called the human race... { "Oh shit, that's us!" }
{ or echo over last sentence (for someone from the audience)
"And dripping from face,
the remnants of the girl/guy he/she dates" }
{ "Where are your balls?" or "Where's your fucking neck?"
or "What time is it?" }
Lost in time
{ "Where is your neck?" or "What's your favourite TV show?"
or "What's your favourite sci-fi TV show from the 60s?" }
and lost in space
{ "necks in spaaace..." }
{ "What does this movie lack?"
or "This movie lacks taste, talent..." }
And meaning.
{ "Hey, Chuck, there's an all-male dance revue in the lobby" }
(Narrator exits)
{ "And so ends another grim fairy tale"
or "And now off to hooters!"
or "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Sal Piro"
or "There's the bathroom!" }
{ "Don't forget to turn off the globe"
or "If you turn off the globe, we'll give you
your neck back!" }
{ "Once more for the virgins... With angels"
or "Sing it for the virgins" }
All Meaning...
{ "Turn off the lights and turn on the world"
or "You forgot to turn off the globe!"
"Fuck the globe, turn off that spot on the screen!"
"Thank you"
or "Oh, GREAT! There's an energy crsis goin' on,
and you left every fuckin' light in the world on!"
or "No wonder we have an energy crisis!
He left the whole damn world on!"
or "Keep your eyes on the globe! It is the point.
Don't take your eyes off the globe..."
(when Crim leaves the room)
"No, what was next to the globe? Did you see it?
Ahh, forget it, it was beside the point!"
or "Look, it's the guiding light!"
or "THERE'S the fucking bathroom!"
or "This is a test of the emergency asshole system.
only true assholes will stare at the globe"
or "Oh I get it. Its a movie about a globe!" }
{ "Thanks for coming, and if you came, clean it up!
We made you laugh we made you cry, we made you
kiss bye-bye!" }
Science Fiction / Double Feature - Reprise
Usherette Science fiction
Double feature.
Frank has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Brad and Janet
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show.
I want to go, { "I want to come!" }
oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture Show.
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